Scary Movie Quotations

Scary Movie is a 2000 comedy film which spoofs many horror films such as Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer.

Shorty

OH...SHIT, SON!!!
RUN, BITCH! RUN!
I'm on TV! Oh, jeez! First Cops, now this! I'm gonna be a star, son!
Yo! Party at Cindy's house! Drunk white women for everybody!
There's a killer in the house! There's ass, blood, and guts everywhere!
He shot me in the lungs..[inhales smoke coming out of the wound] You wanna hit this shit? (dies)
SNATCH AND RUN, Y'ALL!
I got papers, blunts, bongs, all the ingredients to make a high nigga pie (Laughs)
(to the killer after he killed all his friends freestyling)Yo...that was the illest ryhme I ever seen, son!!(laughs and hugs Killer)

Ray

(starts to sing "It's Raining Men") What? It's a classic.
Does this shirt make me look gay?
C'mon, Brandon! Take it! Take it!

The Killer

Oh, man, I gotta stop drinking.
What's your favorite scary movie?
(rapping) I'm gonna slash and gash, cut another hole in your ass. I spill blood on the wall and play tennis with your balls, cuz if the phone rings, don't answer da call. I'm gonna slit yo throat, fuck you like a goat, peel yo foreskin off and make a winter coat. Peace!

Other

Gail Hailstorm: You don't get it? Well, here's what you will get. (holds up her forefinger) This little piggy went to the market. (holds up her middle finger) This little piggy stayed home (points at cameraman) And if this fat little piggy doesn't roll the goddamn camera... (camera clicks on)
Gail Hailstorm: Kenny, I know you're about 50 pounds overweight, but when I say hurry, please interpret that to mean move your lard sweatin', bacon burpin' jello shakin' ass now!
Gail Hailstorm: [reporting live while a student is in the back fooling around] Hello, I'm Gail Hailstorm, author of the book "You're Dead, I'm Rich". A small college town is in shock after the unthinkable has happened. A brutal killing spree that left one teen dead...that's it! [pulls out gun and shoots the student]..two teens dead and this small town shaken and stirred.
TV Reporter: Reporting live for Black TV! White folks are dead, we're getting the fuck outta here! C'mon nigga, let's go, motherfucker!
Buffy Gilmore: Don't worry, Cindy! We'll pretend this never happened. You know, like the time we got drunk and went down on each other!
Buffy Gilmore: Oh my God! We hit a boot!
Greg: Bobby's got a little baby-dick, too?
Greg: A small dick's like a disability, man! Would you make fun of a guy in a wheelchair?! Huh? Where are you, you sick fuck?! I'll kick the shit outta you, all right?! It's not the size of the hammer, it's the nail you're throwing it at!
Beauty Pageant Spokesman: [singing] Here she comes, Miss Teen, she's so fine! Such lovely tits and a great behind! There she is! Doggy-style any time!
Doofy: [with a vacuum cleaner] I said don't disturb when I'm cleanin' my room!
Ms. Man: Come in, dear. Have a seat. Take off your bra if you like.
Ms. Man: Always wipe front to back and never ever believe someone when they tell you that shaving your pubic hair will rid you of crab infestation.
Ms. Man: We all have our secrets dear [leans back to expose testicles, to Cindy's suprise]. Some for money, some to gain the athletic edge on the field, and sometimes those secrets come back to haunt us [as he says this his testicles once again are exposed by Cindy's ear, much to her horror.]
Brenda: [watching Shakespeare In Love] Damn, this is some scary shit!

Dialogue

Cindy's Dad: I thought I heard screaming.

Cindy: No, you didn't.

Cindy's Dad: Must have been that crack I smoked earlier. Look, I gotta leave town. A recent business venture went bad, some money came up missing. I gotta lay low for a while. If a man named Tito calls, tell him to page me. If they raid the place…

Cindy: I never heard of you.

Cindy's Dad: And don't forget…

Cindy: …to flush your stash.

Cindy's Dad: If you need some money, I left a little something in the coffee can. Be sure to step on it or somebody's gonna O.D!

Cindy: Have a good trip.

Cindy's Dad: Sleep tight, sweetie.

Buffy: I'm more of a people person. I'd rather help my fellow man than some animal.

[A homeless man approaches.]

Homeless Man: Spare a dollar?

Buffy: Eww! Get away from me, you bum!

Cindy: Buffy!? Can't you see that he's just hungry?

[Cindy gives the man a sandwich from her lunch bag.]

Cindy: Here you go, sir. A nice sandwich.

Homeless Man: I said a dollar, bitch!

[The bum hits Cindy in the back of the head with the sandwich.]

Reporter: Were you close to the victim?

Shorty: Real close, 'till the roofies wore off and she woke up, talkin' about pressin' charges. So I just pulled my tongue out her ass and left.

Heather: That's whats so important about the First Amendment. It gives us the right to say what we want without fear of retaliation.

[The teacher smacks Heather and knocks her down.]

Teacher: Oh, shut the fuck up!

Doofy: You shouldn't be here.

Gail: I know. I should be on my knees covering the next presidential election. But who knew?

Doofy: [to runners] Hey! Slow it down!

Runner: Blow me!

Doofy: All right.

Football coach: All right, hit the showers, guys.

Ray: Yes!

Gail Hailstorm: You don't look a day over twelve. Except for that big head and glazed over look in your eyes. Ooh, look a little drool.

Deputy Doofy: Yeah, I forgot to swallow.

Gail Hailstorm: Don't worry, because I never forget.

[Gail tickles Doofy and he farts]

Gail Hailstorm: Remind me never to do that again.

Greg: I'll grab one arm.

Bobby: I'll grab the other arm.

Ray: I'll grab his ass!

Cindy: Wait, shouldn't we check his wallet?

Buffy: For what?

Brenda: Shit, he might have some money. We already committed murder. Might as well rob his ass.

Bobby: Good idea, I'll take credit cards!

Brenda: I want the jewelry!

Ray: I'll take his drawers!

The Killer: Do you know where I am?

Cindy Campbell: Um, you're behind the couch, I can um, see your feet.

The Killer: What?! Oh....! Okay, okay close your eyes! And don't peek!

[The Killer hides under the rug, but then gets up, then hides in the curtains.]

The Killer: Now, do you know where I am?

Gail: All right, who copped a feel?

Kenny: Gail, it was me.

Gail: Oh, my God.

Kenny: I only touched the top of the breast. It was so tender and juicy....

Gail: SHUT UP!!!!!

Doofy: I go poopie.

Sheriff: Did you say you went "poopie?"

Doofy: Yeah, it was good.

Drew: Listen, you ass, my boyfriend will be here, and he's Black and he'll kick your ass!

Killer: You mean the one who wears make-up and dresses like a woman?

Drew: How do you know?

Killer: Turn on the patio lights. [man dressed like Prince is tied up.]

Man: Help!!! Help!!!

Drew: That's not my boyfriend, I mean, I fucked him a couple of times, but that's it.

Cindy: We have to call the police.

Ray: No way, I ain't goin' to jail!

Cindy: We have to.

Greg: Do you know what happens to a young boy in prison? All those sex starved convicts just waitin' for a fresh piece of meat.

Ray: You're right. Maybe we should call the police.

Gail: Cindy, your ass is fat!

[Cindy turns around and smacks Gail]

Cindy: Bitch!

Brenda: Shorty, I know you ain't out here drivin' with no papers.

Shorty: I got papers, blunts, bongs, all the ingredients to make a high nigga pie! Oh shit, son!

Greg: Oh yeah, I love it when you play with my ass.

Buffy: I'm not playing with your ass.

Greg: Ray!

Ray: Oh, sorry. My bad.

Cop #1: Hey, guess what I just did to those hookers we busted.

Cop #2: No way.

Cop #1: All the way. Watch this. Hey Doofy, come here.

Doofy: Yes?

Cop #1: Smell my finger.

Doofy: What's that?

Cop #1: That's when you'll know you've become a man, Doofy!

[They laugh at Doofy.]

Doofy: Hey, smell my finger.

Cop #1: (disgusted) What the hell is that?

Doofy: My ass.

Doofy: Mom says when I wear this badge your supposed to treat me like a man of the law.

Buffy: Yeah, well, Mom also said for you to stop stickin' your dick in the vacuum cleaner! Now, let's go!

Gail: Have you located Cindy Campbell's father?

Sheriff: No.

Gail: Is he a suspect?

Sheriff: That's classified. Where are you getting your information?

Gail: My source is strictly confidential.

Doofy: Hey, Gail. Gail swallows!

Cindy: Someone murdered my friends!

Cindy's Dad: Yeah! And the sick bastard planted drugs all over the house!

Cindy: Greg, you're not the only one who got one.

Greg: You mean, Bobby's got a baby-dick too?

[they all look at Bobby]

Cindy: No, I was talkin' about the note.

Cindy: I thought you loved me.

Bobby: Oh, I did, baby, I did. But being in abstinence makes you discover new things about yourself. That's right Cindy, I'm gay. And in case you haven't noticed, so is Ray.

Ray: What? I ain't gay!

Bobby: What are you talking about? You took me to that club.

Ray: So? They play good music.

Bobby: What about our trip to San Francisco?

Ray: I wanted to go shoppin'.

Bobby: [on the verge of tears] But... you made love to me.

Ray: First of all, you sucked my dick.

Bobby: Whatever!

Brenda: And make sure you take your behind to class today.

Shorty: Yo, I do be goin' to class.

Brenda: Lunch is not a class, Shorty.

Shorty: It is when you got the munchies! Ha ha ha, shit.

Brenda: See, that's why you such a dumbass.

Shorty: Yo mother!

Brenda: You my brother, that's your mother too, jackass.

Shorty: Oh yeah..well, than your father's stupid! Ha ha ha.

Brenda: So? I don't know him.

Shorty: Yeah...me neither.

Bobby: See all the reporters out there? They're saying that girl Drew got killed last night.

Ray: You know what, I think I knew her.

Bobby: Really?

Ray: Yeah. She had a brother named Steve.

Bobby: Yeah.

Ray: Long hair, pretty little mouth, perfect ass.

Bobby: That was her.

Ray: Nah, I was talkin' 'bout Steve. Wonder what happened to that guy..

Greg: [strangling Cindy] "We take this to our grave" Say it! "We take this to our grave" Say it!

Cindy: We..take this to..our grave..oww.

Greg: And we never mention this again!

Cindy: Mention what?

Greg: The guy we just killed!

Cindy: Well, you just mentioned it, Greg!

Greg: Starting now!!

[Buffy is part of a beauty pageant]

Spokesman: And contestant number three!

Greg: That's my girl! That's my girlfriend!

Audience member 1: Yeah! That's my girlfriend too!

Greg: Hey, kiss my ass!

Audience member 2: Yeah, I'm hitting that too! All right, Buffy!

Greg: Hey, shut the hell up, man!

Audience member 3: Oh yeah, man! Best pussy I ever had!

Cindy: If you see Bobby, tell him I love him.

Ray: Okay. If I see Bobby, I'll tell him "I love him".

Bobby: This is just like a movie.

Cindy: Except it isn't a movie, Bobby. This is real life.

Bobby: It's all a movie, baby...there's the sound guy, the script supervisor [to script supervisor] How you doin', baby?

Cindy: Why are you doing this, Bobby?

Bobby: Why?! WHY?! You hear that, Ray?! I think she wants a motive. Did "Scream" have a plot?!

Ray: No.

Bobby: Did "I Know What You Did Last Summer" make any sense?! Don't think so! What the hell's with the sequel, huh?! What the hell's with that fat, white Jamaican guy?!

Ray: Ah, I want to kill that motherfucker, man.

Cindy: It's just bad casting, Bobby.

[Ray is stabbing Bobby]

Cindy: You guys are psychos! You've seen one too many t.v. shows!

Ray: No! Watching TV shows doesn't create psycho killers ...cancelling TV shows does! [continues to stab Bobby with more violence] The Wayans Brothers was a good show, man! It was a good ass show! And we didn't even get a final episode!

Killer: (rapping) I'm gonna slash and gash, cut another hole in your ass. I spill blood on the wall and play tennis with your balls, cuz if the phone rings, don't answer da call. I'm gonna slit yo throat, fuck you like a goat, peel yo foreskin off and make a winter coat. Peace!

(the camera turns back to see the killer killed everyone except Shorty)

Shorty: Yo... that was the illest rhyme I ever see! (Hugs Killer)

(The Killer calls Shorty)

Shorty: Yo.

Killer: Hello, Shorty. What are you doing?

Shorty: Nothin'. Sittin' here watchin' the game, smokin' some bud. (Takes a drag)

Killer: Are you all alone?

Shorty's Roommate: (Comes in) Wazzuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup?!!!!

Shorty: Wazzuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup?!!!!

Killer: What the---?! Who's that?

Shorty: (To roommate) Yo, pick up the phone. (Roommate picks up phone)

Shorty's Roommate: Wazzuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup?!?!!?!??!!?

All, including Killer: Wazzuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup?!?!?!?!!?!

Shorty: Yo, Doogie! Pick up the phone!!!!

Doogie: (Picks up phone) Yo.

All: Wazzuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shorty: (Gasps, then talks on phone to Killer) What you doing, son?

Killer: Nothin', just chillin'. Killin'.

Shorty: True, true.

Taglines

A Killer Comedy.

Merciless. Shameless. Unique.

No Mercy. No Shame. No Sequel.

Obey The Rules... Or Die Laughing.

Funny As Hell.