Unsourced

• Nina nanna has landscaped her garden around the theme of my ball-bags. I wouldn't mind but she's let some gypsies set up camp there and now they're up all night dancing. I haven't had a winks sleep in a fortnight... the swines!

• Ben Fogle said that, during his canoe trip around the galaxy, the only thing that kept him sane was the intimate correspondence he kept with my ball bags. Imagine his dismay when he realised they can neither read nor write and the entire episode was brought about by delusional cabin fever.

• Finding heroin, it's like God, home, a lover. Just this feeling of being engulfed by warmth, everything moving away, your life, everything, and withdrawing into this beautiful sanctuary.

• Have you been out in society recently? 'Cause it's SHIT.

• 'citing!

• I don't like doing anything that makes you sweat if you don't come at the end of it.

• It's difficult to believe in yourself because the idea of self is an artificial construction. You are, in fact, part of the glorious oneness of the universe. Everything beautiful in the world is within you. No-one really feels self-confident deep down because it's an artificial idea. Really, people aren't that worried about what you're doing or what you're saying, so you can drift around the world relatively anonymously. You must not feel persecuted and examined. Liberate yourself from that idea that people are watching you.

• I'm sure Hitler was a lovely bloke. You know. Beneath the mustache and all.

• Interesting to me is the relentless gratitude to God [by winners of awards]. Because I, myself, believe in God, right, but I kinda think it's a complex idea, God, you know? And if there is an omnipotent, omniscient being controlling all from the infinitesimally small to the inconceivably large, I don't reckon He cares what happens at the MTV VMA awards.

RE:Brand [2002]

• You know, the relationships we 'ave, everything sort of bubbles under the surface. No one ever says what they actually mean, do they? It's all a bit pappy and rubbish.
  • Episode 1 - Dad Fight

MTV Video Music Awards [2008]

• Some people, I think they're called racists, say America is not ready for a black president. But, I know America to be a forward-thinking country, right, because otherwise, you know, would you have let that retarded cowboy fella be president for eight years? We were very impressed. We thought it was nice of you to let him have a go, because, in England, he wouldn't be trusted with a pair of scissors.

• "One minute, he's just a teenage lad in Alaska having joyful unprotected sex, the next minute- get to the Republican Convention! I think that is the best safe sex message of all time. 'Use a condom, or become Republican!' "

Brit Awards [2007]

• Let's send actual love to Robbie Williams. Get well England's Rose. One day at a time old bean. Ooh, those bloody drugs!

• What about the rumours David Cameron smoked drugs as a schoolboy? What worries me most is that he dressed up as a schoolboy to do it, the pervert. Though perhaps, let’s not condemn him regardless. Who among us didn’t smoke just a little bit of weed at school, just to take the edge off those irksome crack come-downs? Actually, as it turns out, it’s about as good an anti-drugs campaign as you’re going to get, don’t take drugs you might end up leader of the Tories with a face like a little painted egg.

Radio 2 Show

• Pin, Pin!*

• Noel Fielding's not in, Noel Gallagher's not in, I think the message is don't trust Noels! Noel Edmunds, deal or no deal? No deal Noel!

• After the revolution we will be broadcasting constant messages into a microchip inside your brains. It's gonna be great!

• I've got a Migraine

• I'll riverdance while that's happening, 'cause it seems to be what I naturally do anyway.

• That diamond encrusted goat's skull is the height of good taste!

• This is Hollywood, mate. People bring chihuahuas round!

• Oh no, my brain is broken.

• That's what keeps me alive, perversion and star quality.

• I believe Finland's economy is based on Moomin juice.

• I'm genuinely and actually a bit like Jesus.

• Cilla Black: What are you like?
  Russell: A bit like Jesus but with an electric willy.

• That's right middle America, I loves Jemus!

• Matt Morgan: Have you been thinking about your religion/new order?
  Russell Brand: Yes I have actually Matt, and I've got a few more theories for it to make it absolutely watertight. We'll all be living on a nice island, vegetarians doing yoga and that. We'll get rid of ideas such as the nuclear family and like in African tribes the word 'mother' will mean all female members of the tribe and the word 'father' will mean all male members. There will be a lot of [wolf whistles] ... and also we're not going to have no more currency, stuff like that, no brain-bending or mind-washing and we'll all be free to explore ourselves although there will be an age of consent and it'll be the same as usual so as people don't go 'Oh no...'.
  Matt Morgan: Pretty watertight, isn't it?
  Russell Brand: Pretty watertight so far Matt, I'd like to see a political theorist drive a bus through that. If so where did he get his licence? As we're in charge of issuing bus licences and they're not issued to possible dissenters, who are immediately killed on traitor's cove; one of the nicest parts of our island, decorated with all lovely corpses.

Big Fat Quiz of the Year [2006]

• Let's look beyond the divisions of football teams and look at the unifying force within our souls... SEX!
• October... Is that when there's conkers?
• The whole thing stinks, Carr!
• Where's Guy?!
• (after Noel Fielding has written "peep scarf" to describe a piece of muslim apparel) That's its proper name!

Shame [Live DVD]

• The Neptunian underworld king unleashed a barrage of eels from his abdomen and each of the eels was carrying a zippo lighter and as they flew by they spelt across the sky in fire 'Tara can a borrow your eyeliner please?'...if you're gonna make stuff up go mental!

• I'm a sexy wild man!

• It's not really over. There's a little part of my brain that is: 'Russell, where are the opiates?' - 'I'm afraid we can't have any more opiates..' 'Why?' - 'You nearly killed me, didn't you?' 'Oh, that was just a joke!'

• Maybe put your finger up your arse a little bit.. maybe.. a little bit.. come on.. this lad here looks disgusted. I beg you, do not go to your grave not knowing what it's like! It's such a short journey from here to here. bodobodoo bodobodoo dadadadadadaaa uh! You better find out about it! We have access to a world of wonder! Our own internal brown Narnia..

• I'd like to do a fuck on you

• I like them blow jobs when it goes in their neck a little bit

• She took my cock out of her mouth..."AAAAAGH"...That's an exaggeration!

• Ridicul-arse

• hmm, wa'er! If, right, your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?

• Well, stick around love, cos I've got worse(chat-up lines). The worst being, simply, "Get in the van."

• I'm a MAN!

Doing Life [Live DVD]

• I kat you?

• So by being offended you've sorta acknowledged that you are thick, and none of us are, so we're all back on speaking terms!

• You'd think, if you was me, you would think this and I am me, so I'm in a perfect position to offer conclusive evidence on that... innit like when you go away on holiday, you think 'oh yeah, I'd better go away on holiday, cheer myself up, get away from it all" but when you go on holiday, you're there, so it's shit!

• so when I was staying with him, he went 'alright, okay, so what time do you go to bed then?' and I thought 'fucking hell! he doesn't know what he's doing!! SHIIIIIIT!!' I went 'oooh, about, 10 oclock?', 'ah yeah, alright then'. YEEEES!! it's like the same feeling that as an adult I would get walking through customs with heroin in my bottom. 'I'm getting away with iiiiit!

Friday Night with Jonathan Ross [2006]

• It's like Kilroy only talking about Big Brother and there's no racism allowed.
  • Describing Big Brother's Big Mouth

• Blimey - Thank god my jeans are this tight - you could wear me like a puppet.

Big Brothers Big Mouth

• Charles Ingram’s views are so pugnacious that when I heard them I went back to ancient Arabia, sauntered into Aladdin’s cave said “open sesame” perused all the treasures and trinkets until I got Aladdin’s attention, pulled down my trousers and panties and forced a genie into my dinkle’s peep hole and shouted “Aladdin rub the lamp you’ll get more than three wishes.” He said he wished I’d leave his cave.

• Spiral's views are so enchanting that when I 'eard 'em, I cleared off to Australia, strolled up Ayres Rock to the meditating Aborigines, pulled down my trousers and pants, polished my dinkle 'til it was as stiff as a pipe, prised its end open and shouted: "Lads! Who wants a blow of my didgeridoo?!" They said they faced this ignorance from the white man on an almost daily basis.

Radio One Interview, July 5th 2007

• If you're going to use 'theatrical' and 'bent' in such close proximity, you're going to give people the wrong impression.

• In an infinite universe; eternal time, why just do what people tell you? 'ave a laugh; do what you want.

• If that's a euphemism - an egg and spoon race, - I'm probably gold medal class.

• "Could you imagine a wand that was not camp? Could you imagine, for example, Ray Winstone, with a wand? (Impersonating him) 'RIGHT OK. IT'S A KIND OF MAGIC, SIT DOWN.' "

• When asked what he puts on his hair: "Mostly orphans' tears, old clock parts, lizard's tails, spit, the concept of freedom; all up there, all shooshed up right nice and tight, like a bonfire that's never actually burned... it mutters follicular oddities into my mind."

• "I emerged from the womb, right, I was wearing a top hat and I had a cane and said: 'Mother, that was an awkward and embarrassing birth. You should be ashamed of yourself dear. Now pull your nightie down; that doctor looks salacious.' Then I trotted off outside, met up with Kenneth Williams and we both had tea, and we looked down at our dinkles with disgust."