Unsourced

• Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

• When you see the hand writing on the wall, you're in the toilet.

• What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? A pickpocket snatches watches.

• I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why.

• We were poor. If I wasn't a boy, I wouldn't have had nothing to play with.

As Fred G. Sanford

• You big dummy!

• Lamont, when I die, it's not gonna be "Sanford and Son" no more; it's gonna be Nobody and Son.

• This is the big one! You hear that, Elizabeth? I'm coming to join ya, honey!

• My Elizabeth was as pure as the driven snow; and I am the only driver she ever had!

• The name's Sanford. That's S-A-N-F-O-R-D, period.

• I'm callin' you ugly, I could stick yo face in some dough and make some gorilla cookies.

• How about I give you five across yo' lips?

• Esther, you wouldn't want a drink, because you are a drink — a ZOMBIE!

• I'm going to get my bud-nipper and start nipping some bud!

• I tell you what I could use, new color TV.

• I'm gonna put five of these where you sneeze.

• Esther, warn me before you come in so I have a chance to cover all of the mirrors!