Raines Quotations

Raines is a crime drama television series that premièred on the NBC network in the United States on March 15, 2007 It focuses on Michael Raines (Jeff Goldblum), an eccentric LAPD detective, who interacts with hallucinations of dead crime victims in order to solve criminal cases. Raines must deal with his unique, unintentional method, as it causes problems between his co-workers and his personal life.

Pilot [1.01]

[Opening narration; first lines]

Raines: Maybe I read too many detective books when I was a kid. Chandler, Hammett, MacDonald: all the great California guys of the 40's and 50's. I even tried writing a story once. Couldn't make it past page one- too many decisions. Where do you find the body? 'Cause all these stories start with a body, right? Do you find it by a pool under a sunset the color of a blood orange? Or is it night, with the twinkling lights of the city? And what about the victim? A movie producer in a sharkskin suit who we think probably got what he deserved? Some beautiful starlet who fell in with the wrong crowd and never saw it coming? But you know, the real reason that I never wrote one of those stories? I became a cop, and I found out that the images that I had in my head weren't like real life.

Lewis: It’s good to have you back, Michael.

Raines: Is this where I say it's good to be back?

Lewis: Oh no no, this is the part where you say something clever to remind me how smart you are.

Raines: I’m rusty. Give me a couple of days.

[Raines, in his car, prepares to play a mix CD that belonged to the victim.]

Raines: Probably rap. [laughs]

[Someone To Watch Over Me begins playing. Pause. Raines looks out the window, tears in his eyes.]

[At the end of the episode, Raines passes a cemetery worker after a conversation with another of his hallucinations.]

Cemetery Worker: Hey! Who're you talking to?

Raines: [deadpan] The dead. They hunger for human brains. The feasting will begin at sundown.

Meet Juan Doe [1.02]

[Raines' hallucination, Julio, is singing the Frito Bandito song. Because he is an hallucination, he knows only what Raines knows.]

Julio: [pauses] Is that really the only Mexican song you know?

Raines: Uh, the Macarena. I know the Macarena.

Julio: Oh, I can just see you doing that. [demonstrates]

Raines: This is my life. Watching a hallucination do the Macarena. It doesn't get any better than that.

Raines: I like the guacemole. That, uh, that's the good fat.

[Raines is meeting for the first time with Dr. Kohl, a therapist whom he was ordered to see by Captain Lewis.]

Raines: So if you uh, don't see cops anymore, how come you're seeing me?

Kohl: Your captain asked me.

Raines: Well, why'd you agree? Does he have a picture of you with a goat?

Kohl: Not a goat.

Kohl: You talk to yourself, detective?

Raines: Yes, um, I can't think of anybody more interesting to talk to. Ooh, my gosh, I’m a Narcissist!

Kohl: Tell me about yourself.

Raines: What uh, what would you like to know?

Kohl: Where did you grow up?

Raines: New York.

Kohl: Parents?

Raines: [smiles] One of each.

Kohl: Tell me about them.

Raines: Uh, my dad was a transit cop. My mother was a school teacher. Uh, one brother. Older. Mark… [pause]

Kohl: What?

[Scene cuts ahead. Raines is holding a tissue and crying.]

Raines: And the boat was going under and, um, Mark he couldn’t hold on, and I’m yelling, “Mark, Mark, hold on,” and then he was gone. And I just can’t help thinking that it should have been me.

Kohl: [looks at clock] I’m afraid that that's all the time that we have.

Raines: Really?

Kohl: Mm-hm. Next patient.

Raines: Wow, see I think we really did some good work here today. Should we, should we make an appointment?

Kohl: Call me when you know your schedule. Just one thing. Next time I would really appreciate it if you didn't waste my time. [beat] Did you really think I would buy that? You stole the whole brother drowning story right out of Ordinary People. Did you think I wouldn't pick up on that? Do you think I’m stupid? Look, I know you're good at gaming the shrinks; that's what you cops do. Point of information, detective, and my ex-husband was a cop. So I know all the tricks. Which means that you can't game me.

Reconstructing Alice [1.03]

[Raines chats with deceased homeless woman Alice as he imagines her in yet another insulting outfit.]

Alice: Like to see what you'd look like after a few years on the street.

Raines: Yeah. We keep talking like this, you're going to get your wish.

[Kohl tells Raines to imagine Alice sitting in the chair next to him.]

Kohl: Can you imagine her there?

Raines: No.

Alice: Liar.

Stone Dead [1.04]

[Jimmy is drawing in his sketchbook]

Raines: Whatcha drawing there?

Jimmy: My newest superhero. Captain Raines.

[He holds up the sketch; it's a portrait of a very muscular Raines in a superhero suit and cape.]

Raines: And I like what you've done here; you've captured my enormous, enormous quads. Me and Jerome Bettis. The bulge is a little modest, but you don't want to scare the children, I understand that.

[Raines is interviewing one of Jimmy's neighbors, an old woman who is high.]

Raines: Did Jimmy have any problems with anybody lately?

Woman: Um, last week he... [trails off]

Raines: Last week?

Woman: I’m not a mind reader! What about last week?

Jimmy: Is that old age or the weed?

Raines: Old age put her on the bicycle but weed's doing the peddling.

The Fifth Step [1.05]

[Raines is about to interview a woman whom he believes was having a lesbian affair with the victim; he fixes his tie and hair.]

Carolyn: Did you just primp?

Raines: What?

Carolyn: You primped! Just now. Didn’t you?

Raines: No, I don't, I don't think I did. Why. Do I not look good?

Carolyn: Men are idiots. Here. [hands him the file]

Raines: What?

Carolyn: [walking away] It's okay, Raines. I’m sure she's just been waiting for the right man to show her the glory of switching teams.

Inner Child [1.06]

[Raines is interviewing a known pedophile.]

Raines: There’s nothing to be nervous about. Everybody’s got a thing. You know, I can sympathize. Hey, I like younger women. Maybe not quite as young as you. But uh, you know, 19, 18, French, in a one piece, preferably a nice Riviera tan. And sure there are people, Charlie, I don't know personally, but I’m told there are people who think that... I’m too old? That it's disgusting? Can you imagine? Are you with me? But you know what I say? I say screw ‘em. Screw them and their frankly bourgeois sensibility and their protestant moral code. That’s what I say.

Closure [1.07]

[Last lines (also last lines of the series)]

[Raines is talking to his ex-wife about the death of her second husband.]

Raines: I know what you're looking for. Some sort of closure. Something to ease your pain. But closure doesn't exist. You're gonna feel this in some form or another forever 'cause that's how it feels when you lose the love of your life. And even if you could wake up tomorrow and not feel this pain, you wouldn't really want that either, 'cause that hurt is the most sure reminder you have of what he truly meant to you. And that you won't ever want to forget.