Queer as Folk (US TV series) Quotations

Queer as Folk by Ron Cowen and Daniel Lipman. For the UK version (1999 – 2000) by Russell T. Davies, see Queer as Folk (UK TV series)

"Pilot" [Episode 101]

Michael [voice-over]: They say men think about sex every 28 seconds. Of course, that's straight men. With gay men, it's every 9. You could be at the supermarket or the laundromat, or buying a fabulous shirt, when suddenly you find yourself checking out some hot guy. Hotter than the one you saw last weekend or went home with the night before, which explains why we're all at Babylon at 1:00 in the morning instead of at home in bed. But who wants to be at home in bed? Especially alone, when you could be here, knowing that at any moment you might see Him. The most beautiful man who ever lived. That is, until tomorrow night.

Michael [voice-over]: Emmett can be a little campy. Okay, a lot campy. But you've got to admit, these days it takes real guts to be a Queen in a world full of commoners.

Michael [voice-over]: Ted's this really smart guy and he's got a really big heart. Only, nobody here is interested in the size of that organ.

Brian: C'mon, Mikey, let's fly... like in all those comic books. I'm Superman. I'll show you the world!

Michael: Why am I always Lois Lane?

Brian: Fucked him.

Michael: You did not. You looked at him.

Brian: That may appear to be what happened, but we did it all.

Michael: How was he?

Brian: Fabulous.

[Episode 102]

Emmett: I could be a... a r-real man, if I wanted to. You know, just lower my voice, stop... gesturing with my hands, make sure my face is expressionless... never, never use words like "fabulous" or "divine"... talk about, I don't know, nailing bitches and R.B.I.'s. But I'd rather my flame burn bright — than be some puny little pilot light.

Michael: We need a secret code word like "Shazam" so that if I get in a tight spot, you can come in and rescue me.

Brian: A tight spot. How about "buttplug?"

Michael: "Buttplug" might be a little hard to work into a conversation.

Brian: There's only two kinds of straight people in this world: the ones that hate you to your face, and the ones that hate you behind your back.

Brian: You know, I'm getting a little sick of people telling me what's my responsibility. If Lindsay and Melanie want to go off and have a kid, that's their responsibility. If what's-his-name, Justin, wants to go out and pick up guys while he's still in high school, that's his responsibility. My responsibility is to myself! I don't owe anybody a goddamn thing!

Brian: I don't believe in love. I believe in fucking. It's honest, it's efficient. You get in and out with the maximum of pleasure and minimum of bullshit. Love is something that straight people tell themselves they're in, so they can get laid. And they end up hurting each other, because it was all based on lies to begin with. If that's what you want, then go find yourself a pretty little girl... and get married.

[Episode 103]

Michael: I wished for a moment that I too could be a lesbian. But then I remembered I'd have to eat pussy, so I said forget it!

Emmett [to Brian]: You really showed those dykes who's got the low hangers.

Michael: And for once, it was us.

Michael: What the fuck did you do that for? You practically got us engaged!

Brian: Well, I want to dance with the bride at her wedding. And Tracy, too.

[Episode 105]

Brian: Look, I told you, I'm not your lover. I'm not your partner. I'm not even your friend.

Justin: I could be, if you gave me a chance.

Brian: Where did you learn to talk like that? Watching some teen drama?

Justin: I need you.

Brian: You think you do, because that's what we're taught to think: "We all need each other." Well, it's a crock of shit. You're the only one you need. You're the only one you've got.

[Episode 106]

Brian: I tune out self-pity, it makes my dick soft... And we wouldn't want that... would we?

[Episode 108]

Brian: It's not lying if they make you lie — if the only truth they can accept is their own.

Brian: So in order for Justin to stay here with you, he has to deny who he is, what he thinks, and how he feels. That's not love, that's hate.

[Episode 110]

Brian: I know I can be shit to you sometimes, I know that. But it's only 'cos I know you'll love me no matter what.

Michael: I do.

Brian: I do, too. Always have, always will.

[Episode 111]

Ted: [after finding out his HIV test was all clear] I'm negative.... I'm a negative!

Mel: That's ok, happy people can be really annoying.

Ted: So, listen. I know there's this part of us that thinks we don't deserve to be loved —

Mikey: What are you talkin' about?

Ted: Let me finish. So we fall in love with someone we know we can't have and who's never gonna loves us, and we fantasize about the day when, all of a sudden he realizes and sees everything he's been missing. You know, and all our dreams come true... and only, that day never comes, and before you know it, it's your fortieth birthday, it's your fiftieth birthday and you're still alone. Don't let that happen to you, Michael. Love someone for real, someone who loves you.

[Episode 112]

Matt: I'm Matt.

Emmett: Course you are. You're always Matt, or Scott, or Todd, or some other wonderful one-syllable name.

Matt: I'd offer to buy you a drink, but something tells me you don't need another.

Emmett: Something tells me you might be right! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go home; it's always nicer to vomit in your own toilet.

Brian: Hey, How's it goin'?

Justin: What? You actually wanna know?

Brian: Well, I asked, didn't I?

Justin: Everything's fine.

Brian: Good. What are you doin' tonight?

Justin: Huh?!

Brian: [laughs] Are... These... Particularly... Hard... Questions? Do you wanna come over after work?

Justin: Really? Sure.

Brian: His life was just going to hang there, like some shirt in the closet you never wear.

Justin: So you pushed him away.

Brian: It was the only course of action.

Justin: Yeah, but now he hates you.

Brian: That's okay. As long as Mikey's happy.

Justin: God, you must really love him.

[Episode 114]

David: Mind your own business!

Brian: He is my business, and he's going to be my business long after you've gone!

Emmett: Ted! Melanie, hi... this is Heather, my date.

Mel: I'm sorry, I thought you said...

Ted: He did.

Heather: We're goin' for pizza. Wanna double?

Mel: "Double"?

Emmett: They're not really a couple, Heather.

Ted: I'm a homo.

Mel: And I'm a lesbo.

Heather: I thought from the hug that maybe you were normal.

Mel: We are. What the hell's gotten into you?!

Ted: He's "seen the light."

Mel: Where they shinin' it? Up your ass?

Emmett: Well, this is a surprise. Welcome to "See The Light."

Mikey: They way some of these people dress, they should change it to "Turn Off The Light."

Ted: We just... we wanted to let you know that we still love you. Maybe not as much as Jesus, but almost. And we're gonna miss you.

Mikey: I'll especially miss the way you dance with your hands over your head. That's the way I'll always remember you.

Emmett: Well, thanks, but I don't think God appreciates it as much as you do.

Ted: I think God appreciates it even more. Because he created you in his image. At least that's what I was always taught. And since God is love and God doesn't make mistakes, then you must be exactly the way he wants you to be, the way he intended you to be. And that goes for every person, every planet, every mountain, every grain of sand, every song, every tear... and every faggot. We're all his, Emmett. He loves us all.

[Episode 115]

Michael: [talking about meeting David's son] He's gonna hate me!

Brian: He's not gonna hate you!

Michael: What makes you so sure?

Brian: I'm crazy about you.

Brian: [trying to get Gus to stop crying by giving him his Pacifier] Think nipple... think cock... whatever gets you there.

[Episode 116]

Justin: You do! You give a shit! You so care about me! You love me so much!

Brian: [laughing] Get out!

[Episode 117]

Brian: Well, don't think you've won. 'Cos if you do, you're dead.

Justin: Not as long as I've got you to protect me.

Lindsay: Do you still love me?

Mel: I never stopped.

[Episode 118]

Michael: I don't wanna be a saint. I wanna be a ruthless, heartless shit who fucks whoever he wants without conscience or remorse!

Brian: Sorry, that position has already been filled.

Brian: And I thought I was finally rid of you.

Justin: Not until I say so!

Justin: [after being refused service at Babylon] Who do you have to fuck around here to get a drink?!

Brian: Me! [to the bartender] Two beers please; I'm thirsty!

Brian: I know it's scarier finding your own way than doing what's expected.

Justin: I'm not scared.

Brian: You're fucking terrified, just like the night you met me. I was sure you'd go back home, but you didn't. You said: "I'm going with him."

Justin: I cannot believe that you remember that, considering how you couldn't remember my name.

Brian: And look what happened.

Justin: I turned into a big queer.

Brian: Yeah, lucky for you, otherwise I wouldn't be wasting my time. But it's too late now, there's no turning back.

[They dance and kiss]

[Episode 119]

Michael: Wow, I forgot what it was like at your house.

Brian: Yeah, that's why I was always at yours.

Brian: I need coffee.

Ted: Someone was up fucking 'til the wee hours.

Justin: Was he cuter than me?

Emmett: [about Ted] He loves you so much, he even believes you're clean! Imagine that!

Blake: I love him, too.

Emmett: No, you love drugs. So get drugs. I will even give you the money, but leave him alone! Because if you break his heart, I'll break your face!

Brian: That's right. The fucking fairies got a strike! The fucking fairies are jumping up and down! The fucking fairies are going to celebrate. [dips Michael for a movie-style kiss]

[Episode 120]

[They have all decided to go to Babylon]

Emmett: Hooray! Only... it's starting to feel like couples night, seeing as I'm the only single boy left.

Brian: Excuse me? What the fuck do you think I am?!

Justin: [rushes over and grabs Brian's arm before anyone can reply] Are we going to Babylon?

[Everyone laughs]

Emmett: I don't know why I insisted on coming here. It's always the same. The guys who are interested in me, I'm not interested in them. And the ones I'm interested in, well, aren't interested in me.

[Episode 121]

Justin: [to Brian] Please don't go. You can't go. What are you going to do without me?!

Justin: [talking about Brian moving away] I love him, Michael.

Michael: I know. All the more reason to let him go.

Justin: You must not care very much.

Michael: I care more than you'll ever know.

Lindsey: [to Brian] When are you going to realize that Justin really loves you?! And that Michael would give up his life for you?! And I love you, too!

Michael: [at the cinema] Man, when I think of all the Saturdays we spent here.

Brian: Yeah, I used to buy a ticket and let you in at the fire exit.

Michael: We never got caught!

[They high-five]

[Episode 122]

Lindsay: [About Justin asking Brian to the Prom] Oh! I think that's so adorable that he asked you! Despite the somewhat questionable difference in you ages, and that fact that emotionally he's 12 years your senior.

Brian: Not going; too old.

Lindsay: Oh, so you're 30, I know. It's so dramatic, but it is something we all go through, if you're lucky enough to live that long, but to carry on like it's the end of your life?

Brian: It is.

Lindsay: It's the begining! A whole new way of thinking about yourself, feeling a whole new sense of accomplishment.

Brian: That's from the 'La Jeunesse' anti-aging commercial; I wrote that fucking copy!

Lindsay: Oh, Ok, I guess I only quote from the masters...

Brian: Why do you always have to ruin everything?

Michael: Ruin? I'm saving you! Just like Toby Harper saved Captain Astro in issue 231 of Astro Comics, when Captain Astro thought that he lost all of his super powers.

Brian: God, you are so pathetic.

Michael: No, you are! Don't you see that you still have your powers? All of your powers. And you always will. Whether you're 18, or you're 30, or you're 50, or you're 100. You will always be young and you will always be beautiful. You're Brian Kinney, for fuck's sake!

Brian: We gave them a prom they'll never forget.

Justin: Me neither. It's the best night of my life.

Brian: Even if it was ridiculously romantic.

[Episode 201]

Emmett: Pink champagne? Yeah, um, yeah, that's too nelly even for me!

Melanie: [At Lindsay's sister's wedding] What did she think we were going to do? Perform cunnilingus on top of the wedding cake?

Brian: There you have it, ladies and gentlemen, proof positive that making other people happy can cause nausea, severe cramps, even diarrhea.

Mikey: Got any TUMS?

Brian: Know what TUMS is spelled backwards?

Both: SMUT!

[Episode 202]

Justin: [after Brian doesn't reply to why he's letting Justin stay with him] I know why. It's because you love me, madly, passionately, deeply. Just like I always suspected.

Brian: [to Justin] What are you doing all the way over there? Come closer! Do you want to take off some of those clothes? You might get a little heated...

[Episode 203]

Brian: [to Michael] It wasn’t stupid when we used to lock ourselves up in your room and read Captain Astro and Galaxy Lad, wishing we were invincible like them, and pretending that no ugly force could separate us like them, and swearing that we’d always be there for each other, like them.

[Episode 204]

Brian: Where you goin'?

Justin: I'm leaving you to your wicked ways! Go find a stud and ask him to dance. [Starts to leave]

Brian: [follows Justin and grabs his shoulder] Hey stud, want to dance?

[Episode 205]

Brian: How's Daphne?

Justin: She and her roommates had to study. Fortunately, that’s not my problem. I went to Woodies, I let guys buy me drinks, they all wanted to fuck me. At least I still have my looks. But, I told them no; I’m saving it for you.

[Episode 206]

Brian: [after Debbie, Mel and Lindsey have all kissed Justin] With all this kissing, you're going to turn him straight! [Brian kisses Justin.]

Debbie: Oh, my God! They're gonna do it right here! [Justin and Brian go upstairs] Holy crap! They're like fucking newlyweds!

Mel: I never thought I'd live to see the day!

Lindsey: I think it's wonderful!

Debbie: [about Justin] You think you've got everybody fooled, don't you? Well, not me, honey. I’ve known you too long and regrettably too well. And no matter how hard you try to deny it, I can tell you care as much about him as he cares about you, only you haven’t got the big hairy cojones to say it.

Brian: Maybe I could borrow yours.?

Debbie: Whatever it takes for you to admit that you love him. And I know that you do, despite all your efforts to never let another heart touch yours. And that’s assuming, of course, you have one. That little persistent kid has somehow gotten in under the wire. And that’s what’s happened, huh? Now admit the truth. You love him, don’t you? [Brian looks at her, then looks away.] I thought so. Then tell him! Tell him what you could never say to Michael!

Brian: You were right. The reason I took you in was because you got a bat to the head. But it’s not the reason I want you to stay. But don’t get the idea that we’re some married couple, 'cause we’re not. We’re not like fucking straight people, we’re not like your parents and we’re not a pair of dykes marching down the aisle in matching Vera Wangs. We’re queers, and if we’re together it’s because we want to be, not because there’s locks on our doors. So if I’m not in, assume I’m exactly what I want to be doing: I’m fucking. And when I come home, I’ll also be doing exactly what I want to do: I’m coming home to you.

Justin: Okay. I want some things, too. You can fuck whoever you want, as long as it’s not twice. Same for me. And no names or numbers exchanged. And no matter where you are, no matter what you’re doing, you always come home by 3. And you don’t kiss anyone on the mouth but me. [They kiss.]

Brian: [to Justin] I want you safe. I want you around for a long time.

Michael: [reading the personalized dedication in the book Ben gave him]To Michael, beneath whose mild-mannered appearance beats the heart of a superhero... Ben.

[Episode 207]

Michael: I knew how to put a condom on a cucumber before I could drive!

Ben: Yeah, well, I was gonna ask you out tonight, but now I'm not so sure.

Michael: Why not?

Ben: A cucumber is a lot to live up to.

Michael: [about Debbie] She actually said she wished I wasn't gay!

Brian: Well, I'll always be glad that you're a big fat queer. [They kiss.] She's right, you know.

Michael: What the fuck do you know?

Brian: Let's see... advertising, and... you.

[Episode 208]

Justin: I'm not going to that hetero-hop with beer-chugging breeders!

Emmett: [to himself] Well, in a modern re-telling, coach would be a limo, footmen would be the driver and Cinderella would, of course, be a fag rather than a woman, since no self-respecting woman would let herself be enticed into a strange man's home with jewelry, a limo, champagne and caviar!

Michael: [talking about the ideal boyfriend and not realizing that he is describing Ben] He's got to be passionate about life. He's worked hard to survive it, yet he's maintained his humor. He's charming and kind and he does something creative, maybe a writer. He's into spiritual stuff, like Buddha. And he focuses on living in the now, 'cause there's no time to waste... And when I'm with him, I feel like a better person.

[Episode 209]

Brian: If you want Ben back, go fucking get him.

Basketball Player: [talking about Michael not giving back the ball until Ben agrees to go on a date with him] I suggest you say yes, 'cause if he's like the bitch I got at home, we're gonna be standing here all day.

Ted: I took Viagra last night! It's been 18 hours and it won't go down! What am I gonna do?

Emmett: Have you tried soaking it?

Lindsay: How about a cold shower?

Brian: How about scaring it?

Justin: That's hiccups...

Brian: Boo!

Justin: [about himself and Brian] Our sex life isn't what it used to be: we're down to, like, four times a day!

[Episode 211]

Brian: Competition: world class. Wardrobe: crucial. Margin for error: zero. So long, Pittsburgh; hello, Miami Vice!

Justin: I thought your all-expenses-paid fuck-fest was just for the weekend?

Brian: Each beach party has its own theme and a strict dress code. The White Party: 15,000 horny queers all in white.

Justin: I'll be busy, too. I have a paper due on Renaissance art...

Brian: Then there's the muscle beach party...

Justin: Then there's the laundry and, of course, the wedding...

Brian: I mustn't forget the Cowboy contest...

Justin: I have to remember to write to my Grandmother...

Ted: Look, just take it back.

Michael: I can't take it back!

Ted: What store did you buy it at?

Michael: I didn't get it at a store!

Ted: Where'd you get it?

Michael: Off a blanket... It's symbolic of love and pride!

Ted: It's symbolic of stupidity and bad taste.

Michael You take that back!

Ted: I can't! [in a mocking voice] I got it off a blanket!

[Episode 213]

Emmett: What kind of homosexual are you?!

Brian: The kind that fucks men...

Jennifer: He [Justin's Dad] says he won't pay for your school anymore.

Justin: That lame-ass shit! What's his feeble excuse?

Jennifer: The stock market and supporting 2 households... basically 'cos he's a lame-ass shit.

Mel: I told you; he's a total hetero-phobe!

Justin: It's true; he is.

Brian: It's true; I am.

[Episode 214]

Brian: [Stumbling out of the car drunk, to a Police officer] I was more than happy to drive these two gentlemen home...

[Episode 215]

Justin: [about Brian] All this time I've been fooling myself thinking he loves me!

Michael: He does love you.

[Episode 217]

Brian: [arriving home, shouting to Justin) Hey sunshine, come congratulate me! Your partner... just made partner!

[No one is home]

[Episode 218]

Brian: Are you listening?

Michael: [In tears] I'm listening.

Brian: The night Justin was bashed, and I called you and you were about to get on a plane, and you came here and you sat with me for three days, waiting to see if he was gonna live or die; if it hadn't of been for you I never would have made it. [Almost in tears] It was because of you. You're strong enough for both of us. And you're gonna be strong for Ben.

[Episode 219]

Emmett: Y'know something Ted Schmidt? I love you. [Kisses him]

Debbie: To the 'Liberty Balls'!

Vic: Long may they hang!

[Episode 220]

Michael: [hugs Brian] Love you.

Brian: Me too. Always have, always will. [They laugh]

Emmett: [after Michael says that Ben wants to go to Tibet for six months] What's in Tibet? Nude beach? Circuit party?

Ted: [laughing] Nude beach! Circuit party! He is so funny! You are SO funny!

Emmett: What'd I say?!

Michael: Ma, would you stop overfeeding him?

Debbie: He's one of the family now!

Ben: Yeah, I'm one of the family now!

Michael: My sincere condolences!

Michael: [after Ben says that he's not going to Tibet] But you said it's what you need.

Ben: I've already got what I need... and I don't need to go to Tibet to find it [They kiss]

[Episode 301]

Lindsay: So you'd rather be alone than be with the one person who loved you enough to almost put up with all your bullshit.

Brian: I never loved him! And even if I did, I'd never ask him to put my needs above his, or be something he's not to make me happy. Tell him if he's not getting what he wants, then go find it someplace else.

Debbie: The new boyfriend. I'm Debbie; I've been keeping an eye on Sunshine ever since he left home.

Ethan: Sunshine?

Debbie: You got a problem with that?

Ethan: No. No problem.

[Episode 302]

Justin: I could be poor for a long time...

Brian: Well, knowing your tastes, you'd better not be.

[Episode 303]

Justin: What's it for?

Brian: It's for the centre Carnival.

Justin: [Laughs] You fucking hate the centre!

Brian: Not when they're paying me. So how much do you want?

Justin: It's for a good cause, so it's free.

Brian: Christ — didn't I teach you anything?

Justin: 500.

Brian: 200.

Justin: 500; take it or leave it.

Brian: I like the way you do business.

[Episode 304]

Emmett: Does this mean you two will be related?

Brian: Yeah; lesbians once removed.

Brian: Don't get wound up about it.

Michael: I'm half-Italian, half-drag queen; I'm allowed to get wound up!

Mrs. Kinney: This is what happens when you turn your back on the Lord!

Brian: Fuck the Lord. And fuck you.

[Episode 306]

Sunny: [Ted and Emmett's new neighbour] So where's Mrs Schmidt?

Emmett: That'd be me!

[Episode 307]

Debbie: [On Brian] I don't get why he does that.

Justin: What? Act like a shit?

Debbie: When it's clear he just saved Ted's life.

[Episode 308]

Ben: [as Michael goes to throw his shoe at something making noise outside his window] Mikey, save your shoe. It only works on cartoon cats.

Justin: I was going to tell you.

Brian: When?!

Justin: After I got the job.

Brian: Ah, you don't have the job until I sign off. And I don't sign off until I ask the potential candiate a few questions, such as, what the fuck are you doing here?!

[Episode 309]

Emmett: [About Brian and Justin getting back together] Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?

Ben: Yes, you are seeing it, the most historic reunification since Germany.

Emmett: What happened to the fiddler?

Michael: He fell off the roof.

Brian: It will all seem like a distant memory except for you, 'cos wherever I go and whoever I'm with I'll always love you.

Michael: Bullshit.

[Episode 310]

Debbie: Once upon a Godforesaken time, there was a beautiful princess. She worked her ass off until she popped her kid, and went back to work 3 days later.

Brian: That Diana was an inspiration.

Debbie: The bottom line is; I couldn't afford the luxury of not working. I had to earn a living.

Michael: Yeah, but you were 17! Mel's in her thirties, and she's got endo-metri- whatever the fuck it's called and now she's taking on the biggest court case of her life!

Brian: Yeah, and don't forget; she's a cwazy wesbian!

Ben: [on Hunter's HIV status] There are no words to take away the illusion that every kid is entitled to: his invincibility.

[Episode 311]

Debbie: I brought Tuna Macaroni; It was your favourite as a kid.

Brian: No it wasn't.

Debbie: Don't argue with me; you fucking loved it!

[Episode 313]

Brian: That kid you picked up out front the other night? What a rascal! He must have snatched a condom you used, and, guess what? The police did a little science project and your little swimmers and the ones found in Dumpster Boy's ass are members of the same team. [Raises glass] Bottoms up!

[Episode 314]

Justin: I can't believe you did this. It's so...

Brian: Noble?

Justin: Out of character. What made you do it?

Brian: Some asshole told me that if you believe in something strongly enough, you have to be willing to sacrifice everything.

Debbie: We may have been the last vote to be counted, but we're the vote that counted the most!

Debbie: A word of advice, my sweet Emmett. Mourn the losses, because they're many; but celebrate the victories, because they're few.

[Episode 404]

Justin: What's the matter? Are you scared?

Brian: [Laughing] Yeah, I'm incapacitated with fear...

Cody: Mind if I ask you a question, Pastor?

Pastor: Please.

Cody: This book, you have to believe all of it, not just some of it, right?

Pastor: That's right.

Cody: So, do you like shrimp?

Pastor: Well, as a matter of fact I do.

Cody: Because in Leviticus, a few scriptures before that man lying with man is an abomination one, it also says it's an abomination to eat shellfish, and shrimp are shellfish, right?

Pastor: What's your point, young man?

Cody: I believe the point is, if you can eat shrimp, we can eat cock.

Pastor: Son, you need the Lord. You need to accept Jesus.

Cody: Oh, I accept Jesus. It's assholes like you, I have a problem with.

[Episode 405]

Brian: [To Michael] Wanna bite? And you can have some of my sandwich too...

[Episode 407]

[Brian has been acting uninterested in sex with Justin.]

Justin: He's never turned me down before.

Emmett: I have to admit, that doesn't sound like the Brian Kinney we all know and... feel ambivalent about.

[Episode 409]

Michael: Hey, where have you been? I need those panels so I can come up with some dialogue for the evil anal probers.

Justin: How about up your ass?

Brian: It's "the big C," Ted.

Ted: Cocaine?

Brian: It's bigger.

Ted: Crystal?

Brian: Bigger.

Ted: Caffeine?

Brian: It's cancer, Theodore.

Ted: C-c-ca...

Brian: I thought I told you to get out.

Justin: I guess I didn't hear; you tend to mumble a lot.

Brian: Listen to me, you little shit. I don't. Want. You here.

Justin: I don't care what you want. You're not getting rid of me.

[Brian tries to pull Justin out. Justin shoves Brian, who falls.]

Justin: Shit. Are you all right? Tell me you're all right!

Brian: I'm all right!

Justin: You're not all right!

Brian: [Shouting] Then what the hell are you asking me for?

Justin: [Shouting] So I can tell you what a motherfucking piece of shit you are for not telling me, for shutting me out, for thinking that you could handle this on your own and most of all for thinking that I would leave you! Why would you think that? 'Cause you had a ball removed? 'Cause you're no longer perfect? Well, believe me, Mr Kinney, that is the least of your imperfections. And if I wanted to leave you, I've had better reasons, plenty of them!

Brian: Maybe you should have.

Justin: Yeah, maybe you're right. But I thought we had a commitment, and I plan to stand by it. Now get your ass back in bed, you son of a bitch!... And eat some fucking chicken soup!

[Episode 410]

Brian: You think God gave me cancer to punish me?

Joan: It's not too late. You can still change. I know you can.

Brian: I can?

Joan: Well, it won't be easy. You'll have to fight temptation. Be strong. Harden yourself.

Brian: I wanna be hard, Mom. You have no idea how much I want to be hard. Oh, Lord, make me hard so that I can fuck every hot guy I see! That's why God gave me a second chance, Mom, so that I can use the one ball I have left.

Joan: Shame! Shame on you!

Brian: If I have to spend an eternity of eternities burning in hell, it's better than spending one good day in heaven with you.

[Episode 411]

Lindsay: My house has many rooms; I occupy but a few, The rest go unvisited.

Michael: [Hunter comes into the Comic book store] Well, look who it is! Come to shoot the breeze, a heart to heart, spend a little quality time with your dashing young dad?

Hunter: I need 20 bucks.

Michael: I knew it. What do you want it for?

Hunter: My upwardly mobile lifestyle; being a teenager's expensive.

Michael: Well, you should have thought of that before coming one.

Michael: [About Hunter's boyfriend] We're very open minded. We don't mind if he has tattoos, or, piercings. He doesn't, does he?

[Episode 412]

Doctor: How does that feel?

Brian: It'd be a lot better with poppers.

Doctor: Try to describe the sensation...

Brian: It feels like someone is rotating my artifical ball.

[Episode 413]

Debbie: So you wanted to tell me something? Go ahead I'm all ears.

Carl: Debbie, honey...

Debbie: Fuck! I need ear muffs! It's supposed be as colder than a witch's tit in Canada!

[Episode 414]

Michael: You're seriously gonna do this?

Brian: Seriously!

Ben: But you're seriously injured!

Brian: Can we stop using the word "seriously"?

Emmett: [reading a map intently] Maybe we should have made a left at this little squiggle.

Ted: I thought you knew how to read a map!

Emmett: Of course I do! You go down here, take a left at "Up yours" and continue on to "Go fuck yourself"

Ted: If it turns out we’re hopelessly lost and, for whatever reason, I don’t survive the elements, I want you to know that you have my permission to eat me.

Emmett: Thank you, Teddy. That’s the most generous thing any person said to another.

Brian: [after asking Justin to move back in with him] And as for the times when you're not around... I wouldn't particularly mind it if you were.

Justin: I've been waiting for you to ask me that since the first night you brought me here.

Ben: [talking to Michael about their marriage] Let me ask you a question. Even if it was real for just a day, was it worth it?

Michael: SO worth it! [They kiss]

[Episode 501]

Ted: You think I'm fat?!

Brian: Well, put it this way; if you sing, it's all over.

[Episode 502]

Emmett: Just call me the Queer Guy!

Ted: Isn't that like calling the Pope the Catholic guy?

[Episode 506]

Brian: I'm not going to their fucking party!

Justin: Why not?!

Brian: Because I'm going to a fucking party.

[Episode 508]

Ted: Come on Brian, you can't fool me. You gotta free yourself of this burden; release it, let it all hang out!

Brian:[Deadpan] My mom is a frigid bitch, my dad was an abusive drunk; they had a hateful marriage, which is probably why I am unwilling, or unable, to form a long-term committed relationship of my own. The fact that I drink like a fish, abuse drugs and have more or less redefined promiscuity doesn't help, much. As a result I've lost the two people in my life that mean the most to me. [Referring to Justin and Michael].

[Episode 510]

Brian: [after finding that Justin escaped the fire] All I could think was, "Please don't let anything happen to him." [grabs Justin and holds him close] I love you.

[Episode 511]

Brian: You said that your small, charmless studio would have to do until your country manor came along. I'd hoped this would be all you dreamed of.

Justin: And more, but I told you I...

Brian: ...Won't marry me. Who could blame you? I am , without doubt, the worst candidate for marriage alive, but, conversely, that's also the reason that I'm the best candidate.

Justin: And how's that?

Brian: Because, as strongly as I was opposed to the idea, now that I'm behind it, I am as fervently and passionately committed.

Justin: Uh huh. And what changed your mind?

Brian: I finally thought of one good reason to do it.

Justin: And what is that one good reason?

Brian: To prove to the person that I love, how much I love him. That I would give him anything, that I would do anything, be anything, to make him happy.

Justin: You bought this? This...palace?

Brian: It's for my Prince. I'm also selling The Loft and The Club.

Justin: WIhtout even knowing what my answer would be?

Brian: I'm taking a chance on love.

Justin: Then you mean it?!

Brian: I've never meant anything more.

Justin: Ok.

Brian: Ok?

Justin: Let's do it!

Brian: Say it...

Justin: Yes.

Brian: Yes what?

Justin: Yes! Yes, I will marry you. I will marry you! [They kiss]

[Episode 512]

Brian: I only have one question. After were married, will you still blow me?

Justin: [Laughs] Ever the romantic! That depends. If you still fuck me in every room of, um, what are we gonna call it? Mandalay? Xanadu? Wuthering Heights?

Brian: I'll leave the christening up to you.

Justin: Britin.

Brian: [Looks confused, before realising] Bri-Tin!

[Episode 513]

Michael: They say that change is good for you, that it keeps you on your toes. Well, if that's true, I should be a fucking ballerina.

Brian: Wouldn't you rather just cuddle?

Justin: What?

Brian: I said wouldn't you rather just lie here —

Justin: No no no, I heard what you said. You said "cuddle"!

Brian: So?

Justin: So? I have never ever once heard you use that word, much less actually want to do it.

Brian: Okay, can we just turn the lights out?

Justin: No, no! Brian Kinney fucks, sucks, rims, rams but never cuddles!

Brian: Okay, so I used a word that offends your sensibilities. Forgive me, I apologize. I'll never do it again!

Brian: Whether we see each other next weekend, next month, never again, it doesn't matter. It's only time.

Michael: Come on, come on. Shake that groove thing.

Brian: You shake it, Mikey. I'm too...

Michael: What? Old? You'll always be young, you'll always be beautiful. You're Brian Kinney, for fuck's sake!

Michael: So the thumpa, thumpa continues. It always will. No matter what happens, no matter who's president. As our lady of disco, the divine Miss Gloria Gaynor, has always sung to us: we will survive.