Newlyweds Clean House [1.01]

Jessica: Is this chicken I have or is it fish? I know it's tuna, but it says chicken... by the sea... is that stupid?

Jessica: What?! Don’t make fun of me right now. I’m not in the mood.

Nick: You act like you’ve never had tuna before.

Jessica: I’ve had tuna fish, like, sandwiches and stuff, like this...

Nick: Baby, you and I have eaten tuna like this before.

Jessica: Why is it called "Chicken by the Sea" or "in the Sea"?

Nick: "Chicken of the Sea" is the brand.

Jessica: Oh...

Nick: You know, 'cause a lot of people eat tuna, it's like a lot of people eat chicken? So it's like the chicken of the sea.

Jessica: Okay. I understand now. I was-I read it wrong... [giggles]

Newlyweds Go Camping [1.03]

Jessica: Is that weird, taking my Louis Vuitton bag camping?

Jessica Simpson: I have bubbles in my tummy.

Lea: Oh so you're saying that you're gonna go into the tent and fart, is what you're saying.

Jessica Simpson: It's just air, not stink. Promise.

Newlyweds Go Golfing [1.04]

Jessica:My boobs are in the way, My boobs make a curve.

Jessica Simpson: What if I accidentally hit somebody? Because my dad took one of his friends golfing, and it was, like, one of his first times and he knocked out a duck. Like, I'm scared that's going to happen.

The New Newlyweds [1.05]

Jessica: Platypus? I thought it was pronounced platymapus. Has it always been pronounced platypus?

Jessica Simpson: I'm gonna go drop some kids in the pool.

Katie: Hey, some of us are still eating here. The pool's closed. It's adult swim.

Jessica Simpson: Oh I'll give 'em an adult.

Newlyweds on Vacation [1.06]

Jessica: Do all dolphins have holes in their heads?

Newlyweds Birthday [1.09]

Jessica: Twenty-three is old. It's almost 25, which is almost mid-20s.

Unidentified episodes

Jessica Simpson: Ooh I love this scent.

Friend: What is it?

Jessica Simpson: Ah...oh, it's unscented.

Jessica Simpson: What does it mean when you take a really big breath and it hurts? [inhales big] It hurts really bad right here.

Nick: It means you shouldn't talk for a day and a half.

Nick: [reacting to learning that Jessica had just stunk up the bathroom] Jessica-it was Jessica?!

Drew: [points to Jessica] She's there... [walks away]

Nick: Baby, what did you do... I was just-I just thought Drew farted out here... oh my gosh... [he and Jessica head for the bathroom while Jessica giggles] Turn this-there's a fan; turn the fan on!

Jessica: [not wanting to take responsibility for the smell] Baby, I didn't see any fan in there!

Nick: OH MY GOD! Oh-ho... [Nick and Jessica turn around and head away from the bathroom; Jessica giggles while Nick holds his nose and slams the door behind them and then walks back into the foyer and points the finger of shame at Jessica] You should be ashamed of yourself!

Jessica: I don't need to!

Nick: Well, obviously, I don't either anymore... [Jessica playfully slaps Nick on his arm] God... [points in the direction of where Drew went off to] I just thought I asked Drew if he farted; he was like "you sure you didn't?"! Mmmmmm...

Nick: Open that door and open this one; good God!