My Name Is Earl Quotations

My Name is Earl is an NBC sitcom about a man named Earl, who after winning $100,000 in the lottery (and nearly losing it after being struck by a car), sets out to right all of the wrongs he committed in his past in the quest for good karma, having been introduced to the concept by hearing Carson Daly discuss it on television.

Pilot

Earl: [narrating] You know that guy you see, when you stop off at the convenience store in that little town on the way to Grandma's house? Sort of shifty looking fella who buys a packet of smokes, a couple-a lotto tickets and a 'Tall Boy' at 10 AM in the morning? The kind of guy you wait to come out before you and your family go in? Well... that's me. My name is Earl. And if you took the time to really get to know me, find out what kind of person I really am instead of just stereotyping me, because of the way I look... well, you'd be wasting your time. 'Cause I'm exactly who you think I am. Hell, I'll pretty much steal anything that's not nailed down.

Earl: Do good things and good things happen to you. Do bad things, they'll come back to haunt you

Randy: That's deep Earl, so why don't you stop hoggin' them vicodins they gave you and we can all chat about that for awhile?

Earl: I’m talking 'bout karma.

Randy: Who's karma?

Earl: I don't know, just something Carson Daly came up with.

Catalina: Who is this Carson Daly. Some sort of spiritual leader? A holy man?

Randy: You mean you've never watched TRL? You need to turn on a television when you're scrubbing the toilets.

Earl: [narrating] Next morning I was recuperating from being a little....over served...

[Joy walks in to bathroom, removes her towel and reveals her pregnant stomach.]

Joy: Hey Hubby.

Earl: [narrating] Hell, when I was drinking I thought she just had a bit of a belly, some people might think getting so drunk and accidentally marry a woman that's six months pregnant is a good reason to stop drinking. Personally I think it's a good reason to keep drinking. [picks up beer from the bathroom sink]

Randy: [reading Earl's list] Number 23. Pee-d in the back of a cop car.

Earl: I'm no longer proud of that.

Earl: Ain't no use running, fool! I know where your momma parks your house!

Randy: How'd the sex go, got anything in the tank left for me?

Patty: We didn't do it.

Earl: What? I thought we had a deal!

Patty: I tried, Earl. I really did. Towards the end I even pulled out my good boob.

Joy: ([seeing Catalina for the first time] "Who's the whore?!"

Earl: Hey, Patty.

Patty: Hey, boys, is it Randy’s birthday already?

Earl: No, we got another job for ya.

Randy: Earl, I think you're trying to sell a cat to a guy who fancies dogs.

Quit Smoking

Earl: Have you ever heard the saying 'Crazy Eyes'? Well Donny had them.

Donny: I got a tattoo of Moses partin' the Red Sea on my bottom. Wanna see?

Randy's Touchdown

Randy: You sure you want to get Grandpa's cuckoo clock back? That thing nearly put my eye out.

Earl: Well, you shouldn't have stood so close. You knew what time it was.

Earl: Karma. You gotta love it!

Faked His Own Death

Dirk: Hey Earl, is there a condom machine around here?

Earl: No Dirk!

Dirk: Hey what are these?

Catalina: Showercaps.

Dirk: That could work!

Randy: Yeah I'm glad she's not dead any more. Being dead is definitely worse than being alive. When you're dead you can't do all the cool stuff you can do when you're alive. You and I, we can do all kinds of cool stuff cuz we're living, we're not dead, we're alive. If we were dead we wouldn't be able to do all the cool stuff we can do, because we're alive. Dead people can't do cool stuff. Only people that are alive can do cool stuff, cuz they're living, and you have to be living to be able to do cool stuff. You have to be alive. Yeah, 'cept when you're alive sometimes bad stuff happens too. Like sometimes you can get into a car wreck, or you can have a headache or twist your ankle or even stub your big toe... So being alive is kinda hard too, but I think it's definitely better than being adead...

Randy: Maybe you should listen to Catalina. She's a woman, just like Natalie. They're both women; her and Natalie. You and I are men. We're not women.

Earl: Sometimes Randy takes a long road to a simple thought.

Randy: You see, men think different than women. You and I think different than Natalie and Catalina 'cause we're men and they're women. I'm right, right, I'm not wrong. Am I wrong?

Natalie: Looks like someone got himself an STD.

Dirk: I can live with that.

Natalie: Look on the second page.

Dirk: Aw, crap! Damn showercaps!

Teacher Earl

Randy: Try callin' Karma.

Earl: It's Karma, Randy. Not Lassie!

Nescobar-A-Lop-Lop: My... Name... Is... Earl!

Joy: I don't know if what she's speaking is a real language, but if it is, it's all lies.

Joy: Is his sister getting married? Because if she is, and she didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid, I will go right down to that Club Chubby and wrap her neck around that pole!

Earl: She's not Chinese. She's Vietnamese.

Joy: I don't care if she's Chinese, Vietnamese, or Chuck E. Cheese. She don't need to be learnin' no English!

Stole Beer from a Golfer

Commercial Announcer: It's bear-awesome!

Randy: Aw, man, it is bear-awesome.

Black Guy: Is that a cross?!

Scott: No, it's my seven-iron on top of... uh-oh.

Scott: I'm proving my love to you.

Tess: By burning a swastika in my yard?

Earl: Dammit. [tries to stomp out the fire, then his shoe gets kicked into black guy's window, black guy throws it back out]

Black Guy: WE'RE NOT MOVING!

Earl: Now, before I forget, is there anything else I need to fix?

Tess: Uhh,...I used my hand on a guy a little.

Earl: (a little high-pitched) Yeah, I don't know how to un-ring that bell!

Joy's Wedding

Joy: Daneesha, you're gettin' your boob glitter all over my face!

Randy: If I check McNuggeted do you think they'll let me have two different dipping sauces? I like hot mustard for the first bite but I like to chase it with a little honey on the second bite. You know, it's like having a small meal followed by a tiny dessert every ten to fifteen seconds.

Earl: [narrating] As soon as I woke up I realised that sleeping with Joy three days before her wedding was a huge mistake.

Earl: I can't remember anything.

Randy: I wish we could swap. I remember everything.

Joy: It’s not the lies that screw people up. It’s the finding out!

[Earl believes Joy told Darnell that they had sex but she has told him Earl slept with his mother]

Earl: Come on, Crabman, you know how she is! You can't be that surprised! [is punched by Darnell] It's not like this is the first time it's ever happened. We used to do it all the time! [is punched again] Come on, Crabman, I didn't get mad when you slept with her! [is punched and knocked to the floor]

Darnell: You take that back! I've never had sexual relations with my moms!

Cost Dad the Election

[Earl is in a TV studio where he is representing his father, Carl Hickey, in a debate against Marty Park(the mayor of Camden County).Earl is representing his father in a debate for an election to be mayor.]

[Marty Park has finished his speech on transport infastructure.]

Rhonda Gibbs: Mr. Hickey, your views on transport infastructure?

[Earl looks blankly at her, but eventually starts talking.]

Earl: One time, my dad made a driveway sealer out of maple syrup and ground-up glass. Randy tried it on pancakes. But that's another story.

Carl Hickey: I'm Carl Hickey, and I need your vote.

[Airplane flies overhead]

Carl: But I shouldn't have to shout over airplanes to get it!

[Applause]

White Lie Christmas

Randy: You know, feliz nobby blah

Catalina: That means nothing.

Randy: To you, maybe, but in American, that means "Christmas" in Mexican.

Joy's Mom:I have a problem, don't you judge me! [said when Earl finds out she spent all of her dialysis money on gambling, and again after she gambles away a car that Earl was going to give to Joy as a Christmas present.]

Randy: [To man trying to walk between him and Earl] You can't come between us. We're Chinese twins!

Randy: If I can steer that toy car around the room, then we'll be ok to drive.

Earl: Randy, that's the cat.

Barn Burner

Joy: You don't want to injure your toilet-scrubbing hand.

Catalina: Quiero agracader a toda el publico Latino que nos acompaña cada semana. Y para los que no son Latinos, les felicito por aprender otro idioma. (I want to thank all the Latino audience that joins us every week. And for those that are not Latino, congratulations to them for learning another language.)

Joy: Sorry sweetheart, I don't speak maid.

Earl: It's gone!

Dodge: What's gone?

Earl: Mystery Fun Land. They tore it down. Now I can't cross ya off the list.

Dodge: You mean your "idiot list"?

Earl: Is that what your mom calls it?

Dodge: She also puts another word in front of it, but I don't know what it means. The guy from Scarface says it a lot.

Earl Jr.: I know what it means.

Earl: Shh, I'm not telling Randy, he's afraid of chickens... and the Pope's big hat, but mainly because he thinks there's a chicken under it.

O Karma, Where Art Thou?

Mr. Patrick: Are you and e. coli buddies?

Earl: Is that the little Chinese guy in the back who washes the dishes?

Xena: You takin' all those rolls to Mr. Patrick's house? Ha. He goes through a lot of toilet paper becasue he's so full of crap! Yesss!

Earl: [narrating] No one had ever treated me that badly before and gotten away with it. Especially a boss. But I've stuck with karma this long, so I knew I had to keep my cool. [Earl punches out Mr. Patrick anyway] Unfortunately, knowing something and doing something are two entirely different things.

Stole P's HD Cart

Earl: We should have taken back roads, but how often do you get to surf a giant hot dog down main street?

Ralph: This is what I do for a living, all right? I got this whole thing worked out on a level you wouldn’t even begin to understand, baby. This whole thing’s a chess game and this here machine is the pope.

Randy: You takin' Pops' hot dogs outta Camden County is like taking chicken out of Syracuse.

Ralph: I think that's Buffalo, buddy.

Randy: No, I'm pretty sure it's chicken.

Joy: Yeah, it's chicken! Hot chicken!

Ralph:What if I cut off my pinky toe, put it in this 'ere cooler, stick it in a Winky Dinky dog and sue them for ten thousand dollars?

Earl:You are not cutting off your pinky toe, we're going to have to think of another way to come up with the money.

Ralph:Well, you see, the thing about that is..

Earl:Your pinky toe's already in the cooler, isn't it?

Raplh:Yeah, it's in there.

[Kenny hands in Ralph's typing]

Secretary: This appears to be all the swear words you know.

Kenny: I have a lot of anger.

Monkeys In Space

Earl: I got a story about Hank. It was Steve Coco's bachelor party. And like all bachelor parties, there was some entertainment.

Hank: Uh, Earl, maybe this isn't the best time...

Earl: No, no, don't worry Hank, I won't tell the bad part. So anyway, Hank goes into the bathroom with this stripper, and, uh, you know, some stuff happens. So Hank comes out ten minutes later with his tongue down the stripper's throat, sayin' how she's gonna be his wife, and all of a sudden, somebody says to Hank, "I think she'd make a better husband, 'cause she's a duuUUUuuuUUuuUUUUUDE!" [laughs hysterically] WHOO! WHOOoooOOO!

Something to Live For

Philo: (After Earl tries to persuade Catalina to make out with him to cheer him up) No, it's OK, there's already a girl I'm in love with. She's hot.

Catalina: I'm hot.

Philo: You're OK, but compared to her you're like those things in Lord Of The Rings that grow out of the ground covered in slime and attack the castle.

Randy: Ewoks, those are called Ewoks.

Dad's Car

Randy: So, Catalina, what are you doing for your mother on mother's day?

Catalina: My mother is dead.

Randy: Oh, I'm sorry.

Catalina: Eh, it's okay. It was either her or me.

Y2K

Earl: Where is everybody, we've gone 10 blocks and haven't seen a soul.

Donny: Maybe they're hiding.

Randy: Marco?, Polo!

Joy: Were not in the damn pool!, you idiot! Olly olly oxen free!

Earl: Maybe Randy was right, maybe the computers did rise up and kill everybody!

Joy: Where are the bodies?

Donny: The computers are using them for fuel!

(They all run off)

Earl: (Narrating) Donny took the TV section, Joy took the beauty products and pharmacy aisle.

Joy: Help! Help! The machines got me! Y2K! Y2K! Never mind I scared it!

Earl: (Narrating) Darnell seemed happy in his section

Darnell: (He has a card with a hole in it) Oh I get it, my finger's his wiener!

Earl: Donny? What can I trade you for a TV?

Donny: Give me your wife!

Earl: I'm not giving you my wife, Donny, pick a snack food.

Donny: Marshmallow fluff, smeared on your wife.

Earl: Donny!

Donny: Ok, I'll give ya a TV, but I get to ask for one favor, and you don't get to ask me what the favor and I can ask you the favor when I want and you can't say no!

Earl: Is the favor giving you my wife?

Donny: Yep!

Boogeyman

[Albie walks out of the motel room.]

Albie: [shouting] They said they'll kill me if you don't give us pizza!

Randy: Hey, tell them we'll still kill you if it's not pepperoni.

Randy: Earl, it's almost two. Can we watch Win, Lose, Or Draw?

Bounty Hunter

Joy: She can't knock my teeth out! I'm going to be the first person in my family to get to 30 with all her originals.

Stole a Badge

Randy: It's like one of them crazy-assed Australian wooden Frisbees.

Earl: [narrating] The only valuables you should ever keep in your shoes are your feet

Randy: And I want a puppy, but not just any puppy, a puppy that does tricks. And please make it warmer in the motel at night, or at least let me find my thick socks. And if it wouldn't freak people out too much, let me live forever. Amen.

Randy: Maybe we could get Stuart to be a hero by throwing him into that tank at the aquarium and make him wrestle an octopus.

Earl: That wouldn't make him a hero, Randy, unless the Octopus was committing a crime... We're not gonna start thinking of ways to get an octopus to commit a crime 'coz that just has failure written all over it.

BB

Prosecuting Attorney: The prosecution will show that the defendant was taking money in exchange for sex at the Rainbow Burger Drive-through.

Patty the Daytime Hooker: That's a lie! I wasn't taking money for sex I was taking burgers for sex, and curly fries for a diddle, and a pickle for a lookie. (looks at her lawyer) What? It's my Tuesday afternoon special.

Judge: I sentence you to a fine of $500 dollars.

Patty: Any chance you want to take that 500 out in trade. I'll let you take a ride on the Patty wagon.

Darnell: Do you really think these pictures will inspire the troops?

Joy: When I go all spread-eagle Whitesnake-style on the hood it will! Hold on. I got an eye booger the size of a walnut.

Prosecutor: Your Honor, the defendant solicited sex from a uniformed officer in the middle of the day.

Patty: That's a lie!

Prosecutor: Show the tape.

(patrol car dash cam begins to play)

Patty: (on the dash cam) Hey, I know you're a uniformed officer and it's the middle of the day, but would you like to have sex with me for money?

Defense Attorney: Uh, your Honor, I'd like to resign as this woman's counsel.

Joy: You cheatin’ son of a bitch! You’re supposed to say ‘Uno’ when you only got one card left!

Earl: I said ‘One’.

Joy: You’re supposed to say ‘Uno’! It’s a Mexican game!

Earl: Joy, this is why the kids won’t play Candy Land with you anymore.

Randy: How was that cavity search? Got any, or do ya brush pretty good?

Earl: Randy... Different cavity.

Gwen: Idiot.

Randy: Name caller!

Randy: Why'd you ever have a crush on her? She's a bitch. And not the good kind like that "kiss my grits" lady from the diner show. "Kiss my grits." [laughs] We should go to Arizona. Earl, before when you said "different cavity," did you mean "butt cavity"?

Earl: 'fraid so, Randy.

Randy: [shakes head] Sometimes I don't like the world we live in.

Randy: [to Earl, regarding Gwen's dad] He's not just drunk, Earl. He's "Uncle Roger" drunk. I miss Uncle Roger.

Earl: He’s awake now so I put him in the bath and threw in a bar of soap.

Randy: What’d he look like naked?

Earl: Kinda like E.T. when they found him by the river.

Randy: That poor little monkey. He just wanted to phone home.

Randy: He threw my favorite food at me, Earl. What was I supposed to do?

Earl: Randy, baloney isn’t your favorite food, animal crackers are.

Randy: No, they’re my favorite food shaped like an animal. Do you even listen to me when we talk at night?

Patty: Outta my way! I ain't going to jail for a cheeseburger handy!

Number One

Buyer: I'll give 1800 for it if it runs.

Earl: It runs, just not right now. It's out of gas.

Buyer: I'll give you 1785 for it.

Randy: Take it Earl, you know this car isn't worth more than 1500!

Buyer: 1500.

Randy: Take it Earl, we're desperate!

Buyer: 1200.

Randy: Hurry Earl, he's lowering his prices for no reason!

Earl: (Frustrated) Sold...

Randy: If he's dead and you give that money to his stoned horny mom, I'm going to kill you!

Joy: Patty, you really got to stop biting your nails.

Patty: Don't tell me. Tell the mayor. [whispering] He's a nibbler.

Very Bad Things

Randy: [singing] We represent the lollipop guild, the lollipop guild, the lollipop...

Darnell: Randy, those aren't helium balloons.

Joy: What the hell are you doing?

Darnell: Throwing you a surprise party.

Joy: My birthday's not till next week!

Darnell: That's the surprise.

Jump For Joy

Catalina: I will jump for you, Earl, but I will not jump for Joy.

Judge Dierkes: Joy Turner.

Joy: [stands up] Yes, your highness?

Made A Lady Think I Was God

Earl: Carrot cake is the devil's food. Uh, but that doesn't mean don't make devil's food cake. I love that stuff.

Robbed a Stoner Blind

Woody: People who say 'laughter is the best medicine never had gonorrhea.

Born a Gamblin' Man

Earl: No, what was weak was sitting in that room talking about your feelings.

Earl: Remember, real men keep their emotions bottled up until they explode, and then they punch something that has nothing to do with what they're mad at.

South Of The Border, Part Uno

[Earl is afraid to get a vaccination needed to enter Catalina's country]

Randy: [Throws down Earl's list] Fine, you do what you want.

Earl: [Bending down to pick up the list] I'm sorry Randy, I just think there's a better way to--

[Randy sticks the syringe in Earl's butt]

Earl: [squeaks] Son of a bitch, how did I not see that coming?

Darnell: You know how they say "take a chill pill?" Joy did.

Our 'Cops' is On

Earl: She didn't mean "stealing stealing"! She's from Canada, and in Canada, "stealing" means "working hard and obeying the law", eh?

Earl: Oh God, I skinned my pecker!

Joy: Dammit, more cops? Y'all don't quit picking on me, I swear I'm gonna go Ruby Ridge... Earl! What the hell are you doing?
Earl: You said you wanted a date night, didn't ya? Well, your chariot awaits.
Joy: You stole me a police car?
Earl: Yep. There's a hostage in the back too. If you say something scary, he'll show you pictures of his kids. They're cute.
Joy: I love you so much baby. I am gonna *beep* your *beep* *beep* with my sweet sweet sweet love *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep*.
Earl: Shhhh... you had me at balls.

Joy: Hey crank up the radio! Find me some "Wu-Tang Clan".
Earl: Since when do you like rap music?
Joy: I'm not cheating on you!

Darnell: Is there a problem officer?

Patty The Daytime Hooker: I'm not stuck, I'm keeping my hand cold for a guy that's into dead people.

Timothy Stack: Do you know who I am?.... Im TV's Tim Stack from movies and basic cable television. 62 items on my IMDB page, 62, but they screwed me... they counted my Quincy two-parter as one thing.

Timothy Stack: Can I shoot something with your gun?

Earl: I'm not stealin. I'm cleaning out my own garage.

Randy: Man, I love stealin... Oops.

Randy: Hey can you chase me? Because the chases always make it on "Cops", but don't chase me too hard because I'm loaded down with this TV.

Randy:*crying* I came up here, I was just scared I was going to jail, but I don't care about jail anymore, I don't wanna fall, I don't wanna fall, it's gonna hurt! it's gonna hurt!

Homeless Man: Please don't take her.

Earl: [Stealing a cop car] Hell yeah! Who's got a cop car? Who's got a cop car? Biatch! WHOO! WHOO!

Randy: [singing] Bad boys, bad boys, who you gonna call?

[later]

Randy: Bad boys, bad boys, what's it gonna be?

Joy: Stop chasing me, Kevin! Be cool, man! [throws a rock at Kevin] I'm sorry Kevin, but you made me do this!

Buried Treasure

Randy: They're gonna die soon, aren't they, Earl?

Earl: At least they'll be near a bunny.

Randy: I can't touch books. You know how afraid I am of paper cuts! They might as well make books out of knives!

Earl: I forgot to ask Randy what he was doing following that guy with the tight striped pants.

Earl: I gotta poop.

Randy: Maybe someone from China dug and got it from the other end.

Randy: (Narrating) There was a reason Earl couldn't find the silverware, and I knew what it was. You know the kind of guy that likes hanging out with his brother watching cartoons and also likes to touch things with his tongue? Well thats me. I'm also the kind of guy that likes hanging out with his brother watching cartoons. Oh, wait, I already said that. I also hold the Candem County record for staring at the sun. My name is Randy

Randy: Nerf sidewalks.

Darnell: That's what i'm talkin' 'bout.

Darnell: [Narrating] I'd never say it out loud, but... that bitch is crazy.

Foreign Exchange Student

Earl: [narrating] Then it hit me like a headbutt.

Pierre: [to Earl] You son of a bitch it's a satchel.

Blow

Joy: I have never been 0 for 2 in one night. 2 for 3, but never 0 for 2... Randy, do you know where babies come from?

Randy: Yeah. From the bottom of that fuzzy lightning bolt.

The Birthday Party

Donnie: [singing to the tune of Pat Benatar's Heartbreaker] You’re a pot breaker, fern shaker, scar maker — don’t you mess around with me.

[Later]

Donnie: Ohh yeah you’re a blood taker, face breaker, scab maker. Get that fern away — no, no, no.

Harassed a Reporter

Joy: As you can see I have a black son and a white son, but I don't see race so I can't tell which is which.

Our Other Cops is On!

[A cop goes to Club Chubby's per a police complaint]

Cop: What is the problem here, ladies?

Catalina: The problem is, officer, that this perra stole my regular!

Cop: Alright, alright! Now let's here perra's side of the story.

Dancer: He's my regular now! You weren't around! A man's got needs, and I got everything he needs [smacks butt] right here, okay?!

Cop: What's your side of the story, sir?

Nescobar: I don't know why they're fighting! They have both sat on my lap, they are both now my wives.

Cop: Sir, just because a girl sits on your lap doesn't mean you're married to her!

Catalina: You shouldn't even sit on a man's lap; you'll break his legs.

Dancer: [Looks confused]

Catalina: I'm calling you fat.

Dancer: Oh, you should not have explained that!

Nescobar: Wives, wives! I have enough seed for both of you. The skinny one, I will lay with you for pleasure. The thick one, you will birth my sons.

Catalina: See? He called you thick!

[The two girls tackle and fight each other on a pool table; the cop restrains Nescobar from breaking up the fight]

Cop: Whoa whoa whoa! Hold on! Let's see where this goes.

Announcer: [V/o]] Gentlemen, there is a catfight at the pool table!

----

[An inmate walks up to Randy]

Inmate: So you actually know Tim Stack?

Randy : [Nods head]

Inmate: Wow, he's funny. I'd like to kidnap him, spend some time with him and maybe set him on fire.

Randy: Yeah, he would be funny on fire.

[Singing to the tune of the "COPS" theme]

Randy: Tim Stack, Tim Stack, set him on fire.

Inmate : Set him on fire watch him burn to death.

Together: Tim Stack, Tim Stack, set him on fire, set him on fire watch him burn to death, Tim Stack, Tim Stack, set him on fire!

I Won't Die With A Little Help From My Friends

Doctor: All we can do now is pray. I bet you wish you had more than one god now. Hahaha.

Killerball

Earl: (narrating) Lucky for me, Randy had a degree in joysticks from the University of Pacman

Randy: Wacca wacca wacca wacca

Witch Lady

Stuart: If we have to kill anyone I say we kill the hooker.

Patty: Why me?

Stuart: Hookers die everyday. Your living off burrowed time.

Joy: I swear, sometimes it's like I married Jesus's nicer brother.

Various Episodes

[recurring]

Earl: Hey, Crab Man.

Darnell: Hey, Earl.

Joy: Karma this, dummy!