Episode 2: "The Bet"

Dermot: You've left it a bit late, haven't you? She's probably off to see this new bloke now.

Gary: No, she saw him last night.

Dermot: That must be why she was looking so knackered.

Gary: If you must know, they were up late playing chess

Dermot: Is that what she told you?

Gary: What's that supposed to mean?

Dermot: No, you're probably right actually. When you first start seeing someone, you can't stop playing chess with each other, can you? You meet to go to a movie, have a quick game of chess before you go, rush home afterwards have another game of chess. Possibly in the shower, when you're all soapy. Then in the morning, you play with each other's pieces again. Even if you've woken up in the night and whopped your bishop out. Then you see her bending over to do her shoes up, and you can't resist giving her a right good chessing before she goes to work.

Dermot: Bye, Graham, nice to meet you. Must have a game of chess some time.

Graham: Sorry, I don't play chess.

Gary: What?

Graham: I don't play chess.

Gary: Oh, you "don't play chess"?

Graham: No, I don't

Gary: You, don't play chess! HOW DARE YOU NOT PLAY CHESS WITH MY DOROTHY!

Graham: I'm sorry.

Gary: GET OUT OF MY FLAT, THE PAIR OF YOU!

Graham: [to Dorothy] Is he always like this?

Gary: GET OFF TO YOUR POCKSY HOSPITAL, AND DON'T PLAY CHESS TOGETHER! GET OUT!

Episode 1: "Lovers"

Gary: Let's face it, Tony, the only way you're gonna be in there is that if you're both marooned on a deserted island and she eats a poisonous berry or a nut which makes her temporarily deaf, dumb, stupid, forgetful and desperate for sex.

Gary: Does this office have to sound like an episode of Little House On The Prairie?

Anthea: Well, we're a bit like that, aren't we? Little Office On The Prairie.

Gary: Don't be twee, Anthea.

Episode 4: "Weekend"

[on the way to the countryside]

Dorothy: Maybe I should move down here.

Gary: Nah, you'd miss the sophisticated city talk.

Dorothy: What, you and Tony discussing the most comfortable pants you've ever had?

Gary: That's a bit unfair. Oh, look at those lovely hedges... so what are the most comfortable pants you've ever had?

Episode 6: "Marriage"

[on his daffodil present to Deborah being thrown away]

Tony: Excuse me! That was a present.

Ray: Oh, yeah, right, I could tell it was from you, it was scrawny, served no obvious purpose, and neither of us liked it.

Tony: Well, I'll have it back then, please.

Deborah: Why?

Tony: I wanna do some cuttings.

Deborah: How can you do cuttings from a dead daffodil?

Tony: You make incisions in the green, middle, stick-y bit, put it in the airing cupboard, couple of days, hey-presto... tulips!

Episode 3: "Pornography"

[after finding Tony's stash of porographic magazines]

Jill: Does that really turn you on?

Tony: How can that possib... yeah, it does actually.

Jill: How can it?

Tony: She's naked.

Jill: Yeah, but she's obviously freezing to death, she's sitting on a fork-lift truck feeling exposed, and stupid, and like a piece of meat. How can that turn you on?

Tony: Well, she's naked, look at it.

Gary: Look, Deborah, you're a girl...

Deborah: No. I was a girl, now I'm a woman.

Gary: How does that work then?

Episode 4: "Three Girlfriends"

Gary: Do you wanna come in?

Dorothy: I'd better not.

Gary: Don't worry, we found out where that faint musky smell came from. It was Tony.

Dorothy: No, I'd just rather be somewhere a bit more neutral.

Gary: Switzerland?

Gary: I've been a Vulcan for 25 years.

Sylvia: Vulcan? Don't you mean "vegan"?

Gary: What, with these ears? [laughs]

Episode 5: "Drunk"

Tony: [drunk] So, how did you happen upon Les' watering hole? I mean two girls in a pub, by themselves. To me that spells: D - A - N - G - E - R

Girl In Pub: To us it spelt: M - A - R - L - B - O - R - O

Tony: [drunk] Middlesbrough?

Gary: [drunk] Bed? Bed's for sleepy people! Let's get a kebab and go to a disco!

Gary: [drunk] Time, gentlemen, please! Haven't you got homosexuals to go to?

Tony: [drunk] I am kneeling... I am kneeling... on the floor... outside the pub...

Tony: [drunk] DEBORAH! I FUCKING LOVE YOU! COME DOWN! I WANT YOU!

Tony: [drunk] Can I give you a scone, and some protection?

Deborah: Why do I have to live above two drunk morons?

Tony: [drunk] You don't! Who says you do? Just stay here in your flat.

Episode 6: "In Bed With Dorothy"

Optician: What about contact lenses?

Tony: Ooh, no, no. I couldn't have something up against me eye. You know, right there, staring at me.

Optician: I would imagine it's no more uncomfortable than wearing a condom, say.

Tony: How d'you wear a condom on your eye?

[talking about pain thresholds]

Gary: I mean, look at the fuss women make about child birth. Now, I'm not saying it doesn't smart a bit, but if blokes did it, I reckon you'd be looking at, what, give birth, have a couple of Paracetamol, maybe a bit of a nap and then back to work within the hour.

Episode 7: "Playing Away"

Dorothy: Rearrange these words to form a sentence: Tony, and, Gary, are, morons, witless.

Tony: Morons are witless, Tony Gary... and?

Dorothy: Nearly.

Deborah: Who wanted the painkillers?

Tony: Oh, me, ta.

Deborah: What's wrong?

Tony: Toothache, little son of a bitch tosser down at the back...

Deborah: Did you see the dentist?

Tony: Mmm, yeah.

Deborah: What did he say?

Tony: I can't remember it was in 1986.

Tony: Maybe I should go on this creative writing course, I was always dead good at poetry at school. "I wandered lonely, as a clown, that flows on high o'er shoes and grass, when all o' the once I spied a crow, a hostess of goldy daffs"

[after pulling out a tooth and blood pouring from his mouth, Tony calls the hospital]

Tony: Eyo? An I beak u Goyothy, pease? Goyothy. Gee, Oh... No, Gee, ike in Gog. Gee, Oh, Jee. Jee, ike giraffe. Yeah. O! Dorothy, oo arole, le e eplain! Dorothy! Dorothy!... Eyo, Dorothy. I ust pulled by ooth out. I ondered if oo ould ing e some ainkillers om the ospiyall affer oor hift. Yeah. I'm in uite ayot o pain. Yeah. I eel a bit faint, yeah. I ink I'll ave a i down. Yeah, bye.

Episode 3: "Cowardice"

Gary: What exactly do lesbians do?

Tony: I dunno, I suppose they just, sort of... rub each other.

Gary: Yeaah, doesn't seem enough, somehow, does it?

Tony: And one lies on top of the other one, and...

Gary/Tony: ...get off again.

Gary: Brilliant.

Tony: Fantastic.

[Deborah leaves Judy at the bar with Tony]

Tony: So how are you two lesbians? Ladians, er... ladies.

Judy: Sorry?

Tony: Are you sleeping with Deborah? Erm... are you sleeping in the same flat as Deborah, at the same time on whatever basis?

Judy: Yes, just for a few days.

Tony: What... kind of things do you get up to?

Judy: Y'know, just running around together.

Tony: Naked?

Judy: "Naked"?

Tony: Oh, I'm sorry, I've got this disease that makes me say the wrong word.

Judy: What's it called?

Tony: I don't know. I live underneath Deborah.

Judy: Oh, lucky you, must be nice and warm.

[Tony looks shocked]

Tony: Do you eat food?

Judy: Why?

Tony: I was wondering if you'd like to go for a meal with me sometime.

Judy: I don't think so.

Tony: Any particular reason why?

Judy: Just a question of taste I suppose.

Tony: Okay, your lifestyle choice.

[Deborah returns from toilet]

Tony: That'll be one pound sexy, er, sixty.

Episode 5: "Cardigan"

[Gary, Dorothy, Deborah and Tony are in a car, lost whilst looking for a rave]

Dorothy: I've had enough. I'm turning back.

Gary: [drunkenly] Had enough? Turning back? Are you mad? Are you... madder than Brian Mad of Madcastle? Are you!?

Deborah: Come on, it's two o'clock in the morning.

Gary: No! Absolutely no; we're having a brilliant time! It's two o'clock, and we haven't even got there yet, now that's very fashionable - I read it in a magazine, of, er... well some sort [pauses] or other.

Episode 6: "Rich & Fat"

[Gary & Tony are drunk and playing Monopoly; Tony is rolling the die]

Tony: Eight, eight... yeah! Three. Ooh, chance. Nervous, really nervous. Haa, yeah! Get outta jail free card! Is that just for Monopoly, or does it work in real life too?

Gary: I think it's just fornopoly

[they sit back and Tony uncovers his belly]

Tony: You see, the thing about the human body is, as we know, is that it is a temple.

Gary: Yep

Tony: It's just that my temple seems to have grown into a slightly larger temple.

Gary: With a big wobbly dome

[Gary jiggles Tony's belly]

Tony: Anyway, there's a load of nonsense talked about fat, i'n't there? I mean, no-one ever went up to Winston Churchill, and said, "Hey, Winnie, you can't lead Britain in to victory in the Second World War, because you're a bit of a chubber".

Gary: Or, "Excuse me, Mister Meat Loaf, you seem to be carrying an extra few pounds around, you can make no more hit records until you can squeez into some smaller denims". Do you want another oyster?

Tony: No, thanks, mate. They disagree with me.

Gary: [as oyster] "No we don't"

[both laugh drunkenly]

Episode 1: "Stag Night"

Dorothy: Gary, when I was away, did you sleep with a woman?

Gary: How do you mean "woman"?

Dorothy: A woman. You know, the ones with what you and Tony call "shirt potatoes".

Episode 4: "Watching TV"

Gary: You know Felicity Kendal?

Deborah/Dorothy: Yes.

Gary: She was deliciously pert, wasn't she?

Deborah/Dorothy: Yes.

Gary: You know the Magic Roundabout?

Deborah/Dorothy: Yes?

Gary: What the Hell was that all about?

Episode 5: "Ten"

Tony: Debs, will you do me a favour?

Deborah: What?

Tony: Will you have sex with me in a tree?

[to Dorothy's ten-year-old nephew, Jonathan]

Gary: Grow up to be a decent member of society.

Tony: Play lots of sport.

Gary: Eat fruit, and, er, celery, and help old ladies cross the street, that sort of thing.

Tony: Mmm, except Debs' mum.

Gary: Yeah. Don't help her.

Tony: No. Hinder her.

Gary: Hinder her from crossing the street.

[calling out to Jonathan as he leaves]

Tony: And just remember, eat plenty of celery.

Gary: Yeah, and help old ladies across the street.

Tony: Yeah, except Debs' mum!

Gary: Yeah, except Debs' mum!

[Deborah's mum appears behind them]

Tony: Because she's not old!

Gary: Not old.

Tony: Not in the slightest.

Gary: In any way.

Tony: At all.

Gary: Leg it.

Episode 6: "Sofa"

Dorothy: Gary, you must've had this sofa for 25 years.

Gary: Yeah, and my parents kept the polythene on for the first six.

Dorothy: It's got some horrible stains on it.

Gary: Where?

Dorothy: There. There. There. There.

Deborah: There. Here. There.

Dorothy: There. There. There.

Deborah: There.

Gary: Well, I can't see any.

Deborah: Oh, and what's that, there?

Dorothy: Err.

Gary: Ooh, yeah, that is a bit worrying.

Gary: ...the work thing never really gelled for you, did it?

Tony: Gelled, no. Well it's not natural is it? Man was meant to hunt, fish and forage in the open air.

Gary: Well, why aren't you doing that, then?

Tony: You know I get a bit chesty in the open air.

Part 1: "Performance"

[on Dorothy & Gary's baby attempts]

Gary: I'll tell you a secret, you have to promise not to tell anyone though.

Tony: Sure.

Gary: To be honest, I'm having a bit of a problem... performing.

Tony: What, you mean...

Gary: Yeah.

Tony: The fire's burning but the logs not going in?

Gary: Yeah.

Tony: Mr. Toad's still curled up in Toad Hall?

Gary: Yeah.

Tony: The magic bus doesn't want to go to Manchester?

Gary: Thanks, no, it doesn't. Still, it's not a problem, happens to most men, sometime in their life.

Tony: Sure, mate, no, you'll be alright.

Gary: Thanks, mate.

Tony: Doesn't make you any less of a man, does it? Just because... you're a big poof.

[Tony runs away]

Gary: What?

[on Gary's impotence]

Ken: Hello, Gary, I hear the old Boy Scout's not going into the sleeping bag.

[on Gary's impotence]

Tony: I hear there's been a power-cut in the Little Hampton area

[on Gary's impotence]

Dorothy: It doesn't matter, love.

Gary: I know it doesn't.

Dorothy: Well, it does actually, if we're trying to have a baby.

Gary: I've always thought a good name for a folk band would be: "Folk Off And Die, Folkhead".

Part 2: "Gary In Love"

Deborah: It can take a long time to get pregnant, can't it?

Tony: Oh yeah, everything has to be right, the womb has to be in the right cycle; the, um, placebo has to be aligned with the aviary; and the seed must be freed.

Gary: [drunk] You know, I've never said this before...

Tony: [drunk] What?

Gary: "Ibble-wibble wibble".

[both laugh drunkenly]

Dorothy: Gary doesn't understand periods. He thinks they're something to do with the moon.

[Tony is trying to destroy a giant plastic fish with a finger-nail-file]

Deborah: I saw Gary kissing a woman.

[Tony stops filing]

Tony: A woman other than Dorothy?

Deborah: Yes.

Tony: Are you sure it wasn't Dorothy in disguise?

Deborah: Yes.

Tony: Or someone disguised as Gary?

Deborah: Yes.

Tony: Blimey... Wayhey!

Deborah: No, Tony, not "wayhey".

Tony: No, not "wayhey", sorry.

Deborah: Gary seemed really keen on this girl, and Dorothy thinks she's pregnant, it's all a big mess.

Tony: Oh, yes. Still, wayhey!

Deborah: No!

Tony: No. No, not, no.

Deborah: Talk to Gary, he'll listen to you.

Tony: He doesn't do anything I tell him to do, except for his Ken Dodd impression, he doesn't mind doing that.

Deborah: Well, find this girl, warn her off Gary. She's one of the delegates. I think her name's Wendy. Here...

[She takes one of Gary's suits from the cupboard]

...wear this, and mingle.

Tony: Alright, but you must stay, and file my fish.

Deborah: No.

Gary: Dorothy thinks she might be pregnant.

Tony: How do they know?

Gary: I don't know, I think it's something to do with... no, I don't know.

Part 3: "Delivery"

Tony: Are you alright?

Dorothy: Well, let's see, everything's twice the size it was nine months ago and I'm growing another head inside me.

Gary: [drunk] I'm sorry if I've ever been mean, have I ever been mean?

George/Anthea: Yes

Gary: No, be honest. I think we should be more honest. Or do I mean more sexy?

[Dorothy has been in labour for four hours]

Dorothy: FUCK! FUCK! BASTARD MEN! YOU BASTARD, BASTARD MEN! Sorry, was I shouting?

Midwife: Just a bit. Nearly there.

[knocks at the door]

Dorothy: WHAT FUCKING TIME DO YOU CALL THIS, YOU FUCKER?!

[Gary has just knocked out the midwife with a door]

Gary: [drunk] That's probably normal.

Gary: [drunk] That's alright I'll call the ambulance, what's the number? It's 9 - something.

[Dorothy is in labour; Tony & Gary are drinking lagers]

Gary: Bottoms up. NOT YOU, LOVE!