Looney Tunes: Back in Action Quotations

Looney Tunes: Back in Action (2003) is a feature-length Looney Tunes adventure combining live action and animation, written by Larry Doyle and directed by Joe Dante. It features Brendan Fraser as a hapless stuntman, aided (and confounded) by his animated Hollywood friends Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck and a studio executive (played by Jenna Elfman), who stumbles across a plot to possess a mysterious blue diamond in the course of rescuing his famous actor father (played by Timothy Dalton).

Dialogue

Mr Chairman: Are you all monkeys yet?[is struck by a blast from Blue Monkey Diamond]

[Bugs Bunny is fishing from a boat in the back seat of studio exec Kate Houghton's flooded Alfa Romeo.]

Bugs: Hey, what do ya know? I found Nemo!

Shaggy: What kind of performance do you call that? You made me sound like a total space cadet, man!

Matthew Lillard: I'm sorry you feel that way. I was just trying to be true to your character.

Shaggy: If you, like, goof up on me in the sequel, I'ma coming after ya!

Scooby Doo: Reah. And Ri'll rive you a Scooby Snack!

[Scooby growls viciously at Lillard]

[Porky Pig and Speedy Gonzalez chat in the cafeteria.]

Porky: Eh, f-first they tell me to lose the stutter. Now they tell me I'm not funny! [sighs] It's a pain in the butt, being p-p-p-politically correct.

Speedy: You're telling me.

DJ Drake: There's a man there! He's got a woman! She's tied up in a burlap sack and he's taking her to the Eiffel Tower!

Pepe Le Pew: Ah, eet eez Spring, eez eet not?

[DJ Drake (played by Brendan Fraser) and Daffy Duck drive to Las Vegas.]

DJ: I'm not a security guard! For your information, it's just a job. It's what I do for money.

Daffy: Um-hmm.

DJ: What I really do is...I'm...I'm a...I'm a stunt-man.

Daffy: Hah! You, a stuntman? Please!

DJ: I am! Did you see those "Mummy" movies? I'm in them more than Brendan Fraser is.

[Daffy rolls his eyes, complete with cartoon sound effect.]

DJ: Oh, no, you couldn't stand that! One day, he decides to say, "No-no-no! The Bren-Master does all his own stunts!"

[We get our first view of the ACME boardroom and its members.]

Chairman: This is unacceptable! We cannot have nine-year-olds working in sweatshops making ACME sneakers, not when three-year-olds work for so much less.

[The VPs jump for their buzzers. VP Child Labor hits his first. The Chairman points to him.]

Chairman: Yes?

VP Child Labor: But, sir. They require naps.

Chairman: Put double espresso in their sippy cups!

[At the Wooden Nickel, diva Dusty Tails changes while she talks about her career.]

Dusty: I also work for the Agency. Professional assassin. It's really hard for me to juggle the two sometimes. I don't know what I'm gonna do when I have kids!

[She comes out wearing a shiny black-leather catsuit.]

Dusty: Do you know how hard it is to find a nanny with advanced weapons training?

Daffy: [gives a wolf-whistle] How many galoshes died to make that little number?

[Dusty Tails gives Daffy a playing card]

Daffy: This is not a king-sized diamond. This is a Queen of Diamonds! What kind of sick joke is this?!

[DJ tries to take the Mona Lisa Q♦ playing card from Dusty, who instead slips it inside her outfit.]

Dusty: That is so sweet! You, trying to take over for your father. These evil forces, they're bad people!

Daffy: Relax, sister! I don't know the meaning of the word "fear"!

[Daffy opens the door and finds himself facing a lit cannon.]

Yosemite Sam: Say your prayers, Duck!

Daffy: "Fear: Noun. A state of terror". Aaaah!

[Yosemite Sam chases DJ and Daffy through the Wooden Nickel casino, guns a-blazin'…]

Yosemite Sam: Come back here, ya card-carryin' cuy-ote!

[… and slips on a banana peel.]

Yosemite Sam: Yikes! Ooooh! Dad-burned slapstick cliché!

[Daffy and DJ finally escape the Wooden Nickel.]

Daffy: I say we do Cirque de Soleil and call it a night.

[DJ makes a mad dash for his car.]

Daffy: How 'bout the Liberace Museum?

[Jeff Gordon, dressed in racer gear, has his No. 24 DuPont Rainbow Car brought around, only to be interrupted.]

Yosemite Sam: Outta the way, fancy boy! I'm a-commandeering this here clown car.

[Kate and Bugs drive through the streets of Las Vegas, looking for Daffy.]

Kate: There's gotta be 314 hotels and 142 casinos in Las Vegas! We are never gonna find that duck.

[Suddenly, Daffy runs into the street and is promptly plastered onto the windshield. Kate gasps.]

Bugs: Hee-hee. Daff never misses a cue.

[DJ arrives, peels off Daffy, and tosses him into the back seat, upside down, next to Bugs.]

Bugs: Eh, what's up, Duck?

Daffy: Don't you start with me.

[DJ notices Kate driving the car]

DJ: You.

Kate: You.

Daffy: [To Bugs] You.

Bugs: Him.

Daffy: Her.

Both: Them.

[Driving alongside the good guys, Nasty Canasta lights a stick of dynamite to throw into their car.]

Kate: Dynamite?! Who has dynamite?!

Daffy: [scoffs] Welcome to my world.

[The good guys take off, leaving the bad guys with the lit dynamite.]

Yosemite Sam: Throw it out the window! Throw it out! Throw it o-o-out!

Nasty Canasta: But innocent people could be hurt.

Yosemite Sam: Throw it out the window!

Cottontail Smith: It'll send the wrong message to children!

[dynamite explodes]

Yosemite Sam: Oooooh!

[Just before the heroes' flying car crashes, it stops a few feet above the desert ground.]

Bugs: Huh! Outta gas.

[Fade to black.]

Kate: What?! It doesn't work like that!

[Cut back to car, which smashes into the ground. Fade to black again.]

Bugs: Thanks, Toots.

[In the desert, DJ spots a Wal-Mart store, rippling in the heat.]

DJ: Hey, look at that!

Bugs: Is it a mirage, or just product placement?

Daffy: Who cares? With shopping convenience at such low prices!

[Daffy runs toward the image.]

Daffy: Water! Fresca! Mountain Dew! Your product name here! Woo-hoo-hoo!

DJ: [to Kate] Is this your idea?

[She opens her mouth to object, then gets defensive.]

Kate: The audience expects it. They don't even notice this kind of thing anymore.

[DJ shares his disappointed look with the audience. Later, the intrepid adventurers depart the desert Wal-Mart with goodies.]

Bugs: Nice of Wal-Mart to provide these Wal-Mart beverages in retoin for us saying "Wal-Mart" so many times.

[Wile E. Coyote observes the heroes trudging through the desert.]

Bugs: I told ya we shoulda made that left toin at Albuqwirky.

Daffy: Don't start that again!

[Sign in the Area 52 laboratory: AREA 52 — KEEPING THINGS FROM THE AMERICAN PEOPLE SINCE 1947.]

[Inside the Area 52 lab, chief spy-scientist Mother talks to the DJ et al.]

Mother: This isn't about the giant ants, is it?

Kate: Giant...ants?

Mother: 'Cause they're not really ants...anymore.

[Mother drinks from a flask of blue liquid.]

DJ: Tell me about the Blue Monkey.

[She spews her beverage on DJ.]

Mother: How do you know about that thing that I've never heard of in my entire life?

DJ: My dad told me.

Mother: What is the point of making them pinky-swear?

[Marvin leads a horde of escaped creatures, including Daleks.]

Daffy: Yikes! Illegal aliens!

[At the Louvre, as Daffy grabs the playing-card lens, Elmer Fudd jams his shotgun into the back of Daffy's head.]

Elmer: I'll take that!

Bugs: Em, what gives, Doc? We made thoity-five pictures together!

Elmer: Well, as it tuwns out, I'm secwetwy evil!

Daffy: [snorts] That's showbiz for ya!

Elmer: Now, make with the card, so I can pwease my dark masters!

[Bugs and Daffy enter the Persistence of Memory painting to evade Elmer Fudd. Elmer follows, enters, and takes aim, until his gun melts, remaining true to the theme of the painting. Bugs and Daffy laugh at him and run off, but they too start melting.]

Daffy: Well, this is surreal.

Elmer: [Voice fading, and producing icons that represent each word he says] Stop, or I'll fire! [Attempts to take aim again]

Bugs/Daffy: [Both voices are fading] Yipe.

[Elmer fires, but the bullets are only propelled a few inches away. Elmer starts to melt completely out of shape. Bugs and Daffy make their way to the next painting through the wallpaper]

[After Elmer Fudd leaps out of La Grande Jatte (by pointillist Georges Seurat), Bugs reads to him from a museum guide.]

Bugs: Pointillism. A technique using individual dots of pigment, which, taken together...

[Bugs whips out a pocket electric fan.]

Bugs: ...make an image.

[He turns on the fan. Elmer's dots start to disperse, until only his shoes are left.]

Elmer: Aw, cwud!

[Bugs turns to the audience.]

Bugs: I think, when you go to the movies, you should learn something.

[Daffy is busy redrawing himself.]

[As Granny's elephant progresses through the jungle, a flock of multicolored Tweety birds fly around.]

Tweety: I've discovewed my woots!

Sylvester: I've discovered my lunch!

[The birds attack Sylvester. Cut to Tweety, in African garb.]

Tweety: Cwy fweedom!

[From behind, we see the elephant come upon a picturesque lost city in the jungle.]

Daffy: What a fantastic view!

Bugs: Unless you're in the audience, in which case you've been staring at an elephant's behind for thoity seconds.

[Outside the ACME satellite, Marvin the Martian holds an ACME Bubble Gun on Bugs.]

Bugs: Eh, what's up, Darth?

[Marvin goes tumbling through space.]

Marvin: Darn Dark Siiiide!

[Wile E. Coyote just realizes he's driven the Train of Death into a few boxes of dynamite and holds up a sign reading "THEY DON'T PAY ME ENOUGH" before the train blows up.]

ACME Chairman: You see, if the Train of Death doesn't kill him, the 20 boxes of TNT will. That, or the 100-pound anvil dangling above him, or--oh, look, there's the Pendulum of Doom! What's the Pendulum of Doom doing there? I didn't order the Pendulum of Doom! That's overkill! Get rid of it!

ACME Chairman: [to a miserable Wile E. Coyote] My God, young man, what am I going to do with you?! You've done nothing but screw up! You've walked off of mesas! You've been smashed by boulders! You've been run over by diesel trucks! And don't blame the equipment! The equipment is good; it's ACME equipment. You're a coyote! Be wily! [calms down] Now...buck up and let's see a little smile.

[Wile E. smiles, briefly and unenthusiastically]

ACME Chairman: Little bigger.

[Wile E. gives a bigger one, this time holding it]

ACME Chairman: Little bigger.

[Wile E.'s smile spreads to a disproportionate size]

ACME Chairman: That's better. Now, go upstairs and have a shower, and don't come back till you smell better!

[Wile E., now cheered up, heads upstairs]

ACME Chairman: [calling to him] But be careful! There's some men moving a safe up there, and I don't want you to--

[A cartoonish jet-engine, followed by a "boing" sound, is heard]

ACME Chairman: [pause] And be careful of the box of fireworks, because--

[Released fireworks are heard]

ACME Chairman: [pause] I suppose I should mention the stain-glass window--

[Shattering glass is heard]

ACME Chairman: [pause] It's tough being the boss.

[While Bugs Bunny fights Marvin the Martian outside a spaceship, Daffy cowers inside, sucking his thumb.]

Daffy Duck: What am I gonna do? What would Damian Drake do? What would Duck Dodgers do? [pause] Wait a minute, I'm Duck Dodgers!

[He "spins" into his Duck Dodgers outfit.]

Daffy Duck: A-ha! I'm going to be the hero of this picture!

[He straps on a rocket.]

Daffy Duck: Duck Dodgers to the rescue!

[The rocket explodes. He straps on a second rocket.]

Daffy Duck: [dazed] Duck Dodgers to the rescue!

[Explosion; he straps on a third.]

Daffy Duck: [dazed] Duck Dodgers--

[Explosion; he glares at a fourth rocket.]

Daffy Duck: Duck.

[Explosion; cut to Daffy, now outside with working rocket strapped on.]

Daffy Duck: It's You-Know-Who to the rescue! [to the camera] It helps if you don't say the name.