Jeff Dunham Quotations

Jeff Dunham is a ventriloquist and stand-up comedian. He has performed on numerous comedy shows, including Comedy Central Presents in 2003. He has released three DVDs: Arguing With Myself, released in April 2006, Spark of Insanity, in September 2007, and Jeff Dunham's Very Special Christmas Special, in November 2008. Some of his usual puppets include a woozle named Peanut, a bitter old man named Walter, and José Jalapeño, a talking jalapeño pepper on a stick. In performances, Jeff plays the straight-man, opposite his various puppets' personalities.

Catchphrases

Walter: Aw, shut the hell up! (condescending mock laughter) also, I don't give a damn.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist: SILENCE! I kill you! ("kill" sounds like "keel")

Peanut the Purple Woozle: (quickly) That's good-ity, that's good-ity, that's GOOOOOOD!

Melvin the Superhero Guy: Da-da-da-dahhhh!

José Jalepeño on a Stick: On a steek! (often interjected within segues)

Bubba J: I'm doing purty goood! then I've been watching NASCAR and drinkin' beer!

Sweet Daddy Dee: Oh! That's funny shit right there! Ha haaa! (moves his top lip to make a 'tssht' sound)

Comedy Central Presents (2003)

Jeff: Do you fight crime?

Melvin: Of course!

Jeff: What kind of crime?

Melvin: The... bad kind!

Jeff: Can you stop a speeding bullet?

Melvin: [pauses] Once. [audience laughs] Shut up! It hurts like hell!

Jeff: So you have children?

Melvin: Two boys!

Jeff: What do they do?

Melvin: They piss me off!

Jeff: Do you have an arch-nemesis?

Melvin: What?

Jeff: Do you have an arch-nemesis?

Melvin: No, I wear corrective shoes!

Jeff: The flight from L.A.?

Peanut: Was long as hell!

Jeff: When we got here?

Peanut: Cold as hell!

Jeff: Caught a taxi....

Peanut: Scary as hell!

Jeff: Driver.....

Peanut: Couldn't speak English worth hell!

Jeff: Checking into a hotel?

Peanut: Expensive as hell!

Jeff: So?

Peanut: We're in hell! And these are our hellmates!

Peanut: José, where'd ya go?

José: I went to Alaska.

Peanut: Did ya have fun?

José: No.

Peanut: Why not?

José: I froze my steek! [Peanut looks at the stick]

Peanut: That had to hurt! How'd he get on the stick?

Jeff: I dunno.

Peanut: Probably a horrible pogo accident, you know: "Doing, doing, Criiick!" [stares again at the stick]

José: OLÉ! [annoyed] Stop looking at my steek!

Arguing With Myself (2006)

Jeff: So, your wife's in town?

Walter: Yeah.

Jeff Dunham: Is she having a good time here?

Walter: She always has a good time.

Jeff Dunham: Oh, good.

Walter: Pisses me off...

Jeff: She's a lovely lady.

Walter: She gettin' old!

Jeff: Well, women age like...like fine wine.

Walter: [referring to his own wife] She's aging like milk.

Jeff: So how long have you and your wife been together?

Walter: Uh, let's see, forty-six years.

Jeff Dunham: Ah, what was the happiest moment of your life?

Walter: Forty-seven years ago! How long've you been married?

Jeff: Fifteen years.

Walter: You'll see.

Jeff Dunham: See what?

Walter: Remember when you said, "Till death do us part"?

Jeff Dunham: Yeah.

Walter: Later you'll realize you were actually setting a goal.

Jeff Dunham: So, what ideas do you have for my career?

Sweet Daddy Dee: First thing I gotta do is school you in street!

Jeff Dunham: Street?

Sweet Daddy Dee: Word.

Jeff Dunham: [confused] What?

Sweet Daddy Dee: Word.

Jeff Dunham: What word?

Sweet Daddy Dee: [confused] What?

Jeff Dunham: You said "word."

Sweet Daddy Dee: Word.

Jeff Dunham: What word?

Sweet Daddy Dee: Aw, snap! What the hell? Dawg, "word" is like, "I heard that."

Jeff Dunham: Heard what?

Sweet Daddy Dee: Oh, shit. Dawg, you ain't white, you are neon white! You so white, you make Barry Manilow look like a brother!

[Peanut and Josè speak to each other in Spanish.]

Jeff: What're you doing?

Peanut: I'm speaking to Josè in his native tongue!

Jeff: Well you don't do that.

Peanut: Why not?

Jeff: Well, it makes me feel...left out.

Peanut: [looks at Jeff] Huh?

Jeff Dunham: I don't speak Spanish!

[Peanut and José look at him. José turns from Jeff, imitating the theme music from The Twilight Zone.]

Peanut: "Picture, if you will..."

[Jeff almost drops José Jalapeño On a Stick.]

Peanut: Whoa! Oh,dude....I thought you were gonna drop him, oh, jeez.....that woulda been...funny as hell!

José: Do not drop me, señor.

Jeff Dunham: I won't drop you, José.

José: Because then I would be the José Jalapeño on the floor.

Peanut: Do a little tap dance and we got salsa!

Jeff Dunham: That's terrible!

Peanut: Not with the right kind of chips, it's not!

Jeff: Stop it!

Spark of Insanity (2007)

Jeff Dunham: So I heard your birthday came not too long ago.

Walter: Yep.

Jeff Dunham: Did your wife get you anything?

Walter: Eh, she got me a book on reincarnation.

Jeff Dunham: Do you believe in it?

Walter: Hell, I don't know.

Jeff Dunham: Well, if you died, who would you come back as, and what would you do?

Walter: I'd come back as my wife, and leave me the Hell aloooone!

Jeff: How do you spell your name?

Achmed: Oh, let's see, an A... C... phlegm... [audience laughs] Silence! I kill you!

Jeff: So Achmed, if you're a terrorist, I'd suppose you have some sort of speciality.

Achmed: Yes, I am a suicide bomber.

Jeff: Ah. So, you're finished.

Achmed: What?

Jeff: You've done your job.

Achmed: No I haven't.

Jeff: But you're dead.

Achmed: No I'm not. I feel fine.

Jeff: But you're all bone.

Achmed: It's a flesh wound.

Jeff: All right listen, Achmed, I have something to tell you.

Achmed: What?

Jeff: You really are dead.

Achmed: Are you sure? [Jeff nods] I just got my flu shot.

Jeff: You really are dead.

Achmed: Wait, if I'm dead, [gasps] that means I get my seventy-two virgins! [looks at crowd] Are you my virgins? I hope not!

Jeff: Why?

Achmed: There's a bunch of ugly-ass guys out there! If this is paradise, I've been screwed!

Jeff: Well, is there anything that said there'd only be female virgins?

Achmed: Holy crap! Wait, I could have Clay Aiken!

[talking to Melvin, The Superhero Guy]

Jeff: So you're married. Does your wife have any powers?

Melvin: Well, once a month... she becomes evil! And I cannot defeat her! Our children flee in terror! Our big dog cowers under the couch!

Jeff: You have a big dog?

Melvin: Actually, I borrowed your Chihuahua.

Jeff: You know, Superman has a dog. Krypto, he has all the same powers as Superman does.

Melvin: That's ridiculous. If Krypto sniffs your crotch, he'll suck your lungs out your ass! If he humps your leg, you'll be in traction for years!

Jeff: Do you have an arch-enemy?

Melvin: Pinocchio!

Jeff: So, do you have a weakness?

Melvin: Cupcakes....and porn. [audience groans/laughs/claps] Well, not at the same time. I need a free hand!

Peanut: [talking about Jeff's wife] Well, what if she's been with someone else? Like, ME! [audience laughs] Oh, come on! You go purple, you never go back!

Jeff Dunham: I seriously don't think my wife has slept with you.

Peanut: Well, think about this for a second: In a weird, twisted kind of way, all five of us onstage have slept with your wife. When you're wacky and having a great time, that's meeee! When you're pissed off and lying there thinking, "Why did I marry this broad?" That's Walter. When you're so angry, you want to kill her, that's Achmed.

Jeff Dunham: And what is José Jalapeño on a stick?

Peanut: You're a sick man!

Jeff Dunham's Very Special Christmas Special (2008)

Jeff: So, Bubba J, I hear you wrote a letter to Santa.

Bubba J: Yeah, I done it on the computer.

Jeff: Did you send it to him?

Bubba J: Heh heh, no.

Jeff: Why not?

Bubba J: My computer don’t fit in the mailbox. Walter's right, you are a dumbass, heh heh heh!

Jeff: What have you actually blown up?

Achmed: A woman.

Jeff: You blew up a woman?

Achmed: She was inflatable. You know, an inflatable virgin! I had to stop seeing her.

Jeff: Why?

Achmed: She popped. [imitates balloon losing air] She ended up on the chandelier. She'd been there before, but not like that!

Jeff: Where do you find an inflatable virgin?

Achmed: Right next to the inflatable goats! [audience laughs] Oh, come on! Like you've never done that! Seriously, how far are we from Iowa?

Achmed: [to the tune of Jingle Bells]
Dashing through the sand, with a bomb strapped to my back,
I have a nasty plan for Christmas in Iraq.
I got through checkpoint A, but not through checkpoint B,
That's when I got shot in the ass by the U.S. military.

[audience applauds] SILENCE! I'm not finished! And this is a sad song!

Oh, jingle bombs, jingle bombs, mine blew up, you see.
Where are all the virgins that Bin Laden promised me?
Oh, Jingle bombs, jingle bombs, U.S. soldiers shot me dead.
The only thing that I have left is the towel upon my head.

I used to be a man, but every time I cough,
Thanks to Uncle Sam, my nuts keep falling off

[Jeff and Guitar Guy look down at Achmed's pelvis] Stop looking, you perverts! [Jeff and Guitar Guy quickly look away]

My bombing days are done, I need to find some work
Perhaps it would be much safer as a convenience store night clerk.

Oooh, jingle bombs, jingle bombs, I think I got screwed,
Don’t laugh at me because I’m dead or I kill yooooou!! [audience applauds]

Peanut: I don't think José celebrates Christmas.

Jeff: No?

Peanut: He said they do somethin' called Nav-ee-dad... with some chick named Phyllis.

Jeff: Feliz Navidad.

Peanut: Yeah, that bitch.

Jeff: That means Merry Christmas in Spanish.

Peanut: Olé!

Jeff: "As I drew in my bed and was turning around, down the chimney Saint Nicholas came with a bound."

Peanut: He fell down.

Jeff: Yes.

Peanut: And didn't you say his face was all red?

Jeff: Yeah.

Peanut: Why doesn't anyone see this? He is drunk off his ass! This is a horrible, horrible story!

Jeff: "He was dressed all in fur from his head to his foot, and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot."

Peanut: Fat; drinkin' and drivin'... in a furry gay outfit... covered in soot; he's smoking, and you let him in the house cause he said he had something for your kids. What kind of a father are you, anyway? If it were me, I'd check his I.D., then taser his fat ass! And just how fat is this guy anyway? Leavin' him a plate full of cookies, you'd think he's a diabetic too, don'tcha think?! Leave 'im a plateful of insulin, how 'bout that? I can't wait to hear this story next year: "The Night Before Christmas, Part 2: Santa's on Dialysis and he's Missing a Leg" ... And all of his little dollies have "poliosis!"

Jeff: Can I finish this story?

Peanut: Oh, please do!

Jeff: "He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle..."

Peanut: Gotta move quick, 'cause there's a cop with a pistol!

Jeff: "But I heard him exclaim, 'ere he drove out of sight—"

Peanut: Merry Christmas to all!— Oh crap! I ran over your bike!