Directed by Frank Oz. Written by Paul Rudnick.

Howard Brackett

• Class: so, uh, where were we? Romantic poetry. Shakespeare. Talented. English. Dead.

• This is my Peter - uh, my friend Peter. We just met at the, uh, intersexual... homosection... INTERSECTION!

• I just came out! At my wedding!

Emily Montgomery

• I need a heterosexual male, CODE RED!

• Is everybody gay? Is this a Twilight Zone?

Voice on "How To Be a Man" tape

• Excuse me, are we a little teapot?

• For God's sake, don't shake that booty!

• Think of John Wayne, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnold doesn't dance, he can hardly walk.

• Truly manly men do NOT dance.

• Well, how did you do... prissy boy?

Others

• Glenn Close: [at the Academy Awards] This is Cameron's first nomination and he's in extremely good company. Tonight he joins fellow best actor nominee Paul Newman for "Coot", Clint Eastwood for "Codger", Michael Douglas for "Primary Urges" and Steven Seagal for "Snowball in Hell".

• Cameron: Maybe I should thank someone else. Someone who's really been there, someone who taught me a lot, about poetry and Shakespeare, and just, y'know, stayin' awake, man. Someone who's just an overall great guy, a great teacher... to Howard Brackett from Greenleaf, Indiana! And he's gay. Y'know, I've been thinking alot about this night, and I've decided to dedicate this whole night to a great, gay teacher. Mr. Brackett, WE WON!

• Frank Brackett: [about Cameron] He used to mow our lawn. Never again.

• Peter Malloy: A teacher in trouble. A town under siege. A journey to the heartland. Stay tuned.

• Berniece: I need that wedding. I need some beauty and some music and some placecards before I die. It's like heroin.

• Reporter: Should gays be allowed to handle fresh produce?

• Sonja: I don't have time. I promised to do that photo shoot this afternoon. I have to shower and vomit!

• Ava Blazer: [after one of the girls announces that she's gay] You can't be gay! You're a tramp!

Dialogue

Howard: I may sue!

Frank Brackett: Get Johnny Cochrane, not that woman!

Howard: He may be under the influence of something. He may have joined a cult!

Frank Brackett: That little zombie.

Peter: Look, everyone wants to talk to Diane Sawyer or Joan London, and my network's killing me. They want me blond!

Howard: With your coloring?

Jack: There's only two times when that kind of thing's okay: In prison where it's a substitute and guys in space.

Mike: Guys in space?

Jack: Well, not on purpose. They just float into each other.

Peter: What was Barbara Streisand's eighth album?

Howard: Color Me Barbra.

Peter: Stud!

Howard: Everybody knows that!

Peter: Everybody where? The little gay bar on the prairie?

Voice on tape: Now, repeat after me: "Yo!"

Howard: Yo!

Voice on tape: Hot damn!

Howard: Hot damn!

Voice on tape: What a fabulous window treatment!

Howard: What a fabu...

Voice on tape: That was a trick!

Howard: [at confession, about "a friend"] He's just never had a physical relationship with her.

Father Tim: Never? In three years?

Howard: He respects her.

Father Tim: He's gay!

Jennifer the Flower Girl: My mom says it won't last.

Berniece: Your mom's an alcoholic.

Emily: Does anybody here know how many times I had to watch Funny Lady?

Howard: It was a sequel. She was under contract.

Emily: Fuck Barbra Streisand, and you!

Peter: One day I just clicked. I said: "Mom, dad, Sparky, I'm gay."

Howard: So what happened?

Peter: My mom cried, for exactly 10 seconds, my boss said: "Who cares?", and my dad said: "But you're so tall...!".

Cameron: Eat something, I'm begging you! You look like a swizzle stick.

Sonja: Food?

Emily: I've seen all your movies.

Cameron: Both of them?

Walter Brackett: I'm a member of the community. And I'm gay.

Tom Halliwell: But you're Howard's brother. [pause] As you know.

Cast

• Kevin Kline - Howard Brackett
• Joan Cusack - Emily Montgomery
• Tom Selleck - Peter Malloy
• Matt Dillon - Cameron Drake
• Debbie Reynolds - Berniece Brackett
• Wilford Brimley - Frank Brackett
• Bob Newhart - Tom Halliwell
• Gregory Jbara - Walter Brackett
• Shalom Harlow - Sonya
• Shawn Hatosy - Jack
• Zak Orth - Mike
• Lauren Ambrose - Vicky
• Alexandra Holden - Meredith