High Valley AVA Quotations

Mean Girls is a 2004 film based on the book Queen Bees & Wannabes by Rosalind Wiseman.

Directed by Mark Waters. Written by Tina Fey.

Welcome to Girl World. (taglines)

Cady

[about Regina]: (in her mind) I was a woman possessed. I spent about 80% of my time talking about Regina, and the other 20% of the time, I was praying for someone else to bring her up so I could talk about her more. I could hear people getting bored with me, but I couldn't stop. It just kept coming up like word vomit. (out loud) I have this theory that if you cut off all her hair, she'd look like a British man.

[at a Mathletes competition] The limit does not exist!

[narrating] Calling somebody else fat won't make you any skinnier. Calling someone stupid doesn't make you any smarter. And ruining Regina George's life definitely didn't make me any happier. All you can do in life is try to solve the problem in front of you.

[voiceover] In Girl World, Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.

[voiceover] I know it may look like I had become a bitch, but that's only because I was acting like a bitch.

Yeah, everyone in Africa can read Swedish.

Grool...[chuckles] I meant to say cool and then I started to say great.

Half the people in this room are mad at me, and the other half only like me because they think I pushed somebody in front a bus, so...that's not good.

I'm thinking of joining the Mathletes.

I have enough cheese and crackers for 8 people...do you think that's enough?

[about homeschooled kids] They think we're weirdly religious or something.

[voiceover] How could Janis hate Regina? She was such a good...(gasp)... SLUT!

Jambo!

Did you just say "thang?"

Damian

I want my pink shirt back! I want my pink shirt back!

She doesn't even go here!

My nana takes her wig off when she's drunk

You can't join Mathletes, it's social suicide!

[Seeing Coach Carr making out with a female Asian student] Trang Pak?

[to a girl who has just busted him for using the ladies' room] Oh my God - Danny DeVito, I love your work!

[about Karen] She asked me how to spell "orange".

Oh, no, she did not!

Glen Coco? Oh, there you are, Glen Coco. Let's see...four for you Glen Coco! You go Glen Coco!

Say crack again.

[About Gretchen (Regina in the official Trailers)] That's why her hair's so big, it's full of secrets!

[About Regina] She always looks fierce. She always wins Spring Fling Queen.

[To Janis] I care! Whomsoever is elected Spring Fling King and Queen automatically becomes head of the Student Activities Committee, and as an active member of the Student Activities Committee, I would say, yeah, I care.

Will this minimize my pores?

She's fabulous but she's evil.

Regina started a rumor that Janis was a--

[Holding a section of Cady's hair to his head] This is the color I want.

Gretchen

[in her English class essay, after being humiliated by Regina] Why should Caesar get to stomp around like a giant, while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? What's so great about Caesar? Hm? Brutus is just as cute as Caesar. 'K, Brutus is just as smart as Caesar. (starts talking quickly) People totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar. And when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody, huh? Because that's not what Rome is about. We should totally just STAB Caesar!

[to Cady, about Regina] If you knew how mean she really is... You know that I'm not allowed to wear hoop earrings, right? Yeah! Two years ago, she told me hoop earrings were her thing and that I wasn't allowed to wear them anymore. And then for Hanukkah my parents got me this pair of really expensive white-gold hoops and I had to pretend like I didn't even like them and... it was so sad. And you know she cheats on Aaron? Yes, every Thursday! He thinks she's doing SAT prep but really she's hooking up with Shane Ohman in the projection room above the auditorium! And I never told anybody that because I am such a good friend! [begins to cry]

I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me... but I can't help it that I'm popular.

Irregardless, ex-boyfriends are just off limits to friends. I mean that's just like the rules of feminism!

Oh no, I can't say anything else until I have a parent or lawyer present.

[repeated line] That is so fetch!

Oh it's like slang, from... England.

[To Karen and Cady, about Regina] Her parents totally don't sleep in the same bed anymore if that's what you mean. Oh my God! Pretend you didn't hear that!

[about Regina] Maybe she just feels weird around me 'cause I'm the only one who knows about her nose job. [freezes, then turns to Cady] Ohmigod, don't tell her I told you that.

Oh my God, Karen.. you can't just ask people why they're white.

Make sure you check out her mom's boob job, they're hard as rocks.

[On the phone, to Karen] Regina says everybody hates you because you're such a slut!

You can't sit with us!

I don't think my father, the inventor of Toaster Strudel, would be too pleased to hear about this.

Jason, I need to talk to you!

Janis

I'm Janis. And this is Damian. He's almost too gay to function.

Oh, I love seeing teachers outside of school. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs.

This is ass, you guys. It's been a month, and all we've done is make Regina's face smell like a foot.

And evil takes a human form in Regina George. Ah, now don't be fooled. She may seem like your typical, selfish, back-stabbing, slut-faced, ho-bag; but in reality, she is so much more than that.

There are two kinds of evil people in this world: those who do evil things and those who see evil things and don't try to stop it.

Wow, Damien, you've truly out-gayed yourself.

[to the female student body] Okay, yeah. I've got an apology. So, I have this friend who is a new student this year, and I convinced her that it would be fun to mess up Regina George's life. So I had her pretend to be friends with Regina, and then she would come to my house after and we would just laugh about all the dumb stuff Regina said. And we gave her these candy bar things that would make her gain weight, and then we turned her best friends against her. And then... Oh yeah, Cady - you know my friend Cady? She made out with her boyfriend, and then convinced him to break up with her. Oh, God, and we gave her foot cream instead of face wash. [to Regina] God! I am so sorry, Regina. Really, I don't know why I did this. I guess it's probably because I've got a big lesbian crush on you! Suck on that! Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!

[Nice wig Janis, what's it made of?] [Replies] Your mom's chest hair!

[to Cady] You smell like a baby prostitute.

[Talking about Regina George] She's a life ruiner. She ruins people's lives.

[standing in front of chalkboard, holding a pointer] Regina George is an evil dictator. How do you overthrow an evil dictator? You take away her resources. She would be nothing without her high-status man-candy [points to first line on chalkboard, which reads Aaron Samuels], technically good physique, [points to second line: "Hot" body], and evil band of loyal followers [points to third line: Army of Skanks].

[Kevin Gnapoor: So... Puerto Rican?] [Replies] Lebanese!

Yeah, moderately-priced soaps are my calling.

We gotta crack Gretchen Wieners. We crack Gretchen and we crack the lock on Regina's whole dirty history. [Damien: Say crack again.] Crack.

Will you just do it?! Please?

Oh! At least me and Regina George know we're mean! You try to act like you're so innocent like "oh, I used to live in Africa with all the little birdies and the little monkeys!"

See? That is wrong with you plastics. You think that everybody is in love with you, when actually everybody hates you. Like, Aaron Samuels for example? He broke up with Regina and guess what? He still doesn't want you. So why are you still messing with Regina? I'll tell you why, Cady: 'cause you are a mean girl! You're a bitch!

Where you sit in the cafeteria is crucial 'cause you got everybody there. You've got your Freshmen, ROTC guys, Preps, JV Jocks, Asian Nerds, Cool Asians, Varsity Jocks, Unfriendly Black Hotties, Girls Who Eat Their Feelings, Girls Who Don't Eat Anything, Desperate Wannabes, Burnouts, Sexually Active Band Geeks, The Greatest People You Will Ever Meet, and The Worst. Beware the plastics.

Karen

On Wednesdays we wear pink!

I'm kind of psychic...I have a fifth sense! It's like I have ESPN or something...my breasts can always tell when it's going to rain... [Cady: Really? Um, wow.] [Karen] Well...they can tell when it's raining.

[Standing outside while raining] It's 68 degrees [feels breasts], and there's a 30% chance that it's already raining!

Gretchen, I'm sorry I laughed at you that time you got diarrhea at Barnes & Nobles... And I'm sorry for telling everyone... And I'm sorry for repeating it just now.

[Cady: You must be good at something.] [Replies] I can put my whole fist in my mouth! Wanna see?

I can't go out...(cough cough) I'm sick.

You know who's lookin' fine tonight? Seth Mosakowski. [Gretchen: Okay, you did not just say that.] What? He's a good kisser. [Gretchen: He is your cousin!] Yeah, but he's my first cousin. [Gretchen: Right...] Well, you have your cousins, then you have your first cousins... [Gretchen looks at her pityingly] ...that's not right is it? [Gretchen shakes head: That is so not right]

[Karen waves at Seth Mosakowski] [Gretchen: Karen, stop it! Karen!] Hey, Seth!

So if you're from Africa...why are you white?

Do you wanna do something fun? You wanna go to Taco Bell?

[Gretchen: What are you?] [Points to her headband] I'm a MOUSE. Duh.

[Regina says she's fat, then after a long pause] You're so skinny!

Kevin Gnapoor

Yo yo yo! All...you...sucka MCees ain't got nothin' on me. From my grades to my rhymes, you can't touch Kevin G. I'm a mathlete, So a nerd is inferred, but forget what you heard, I'm like James Bond the Third. Sh-sh-shaken not stirred, I'm Kevin Gnapoor. The G is silent when I sneak through your door and make love to your woman on the bathroom floor. I don't play it like Shaggy, you'll know it was me 'cause the next time you see her she be like "Oh! Kevin G..."

[referring to Cady] Hey, Africa.

Cady, this is your night. Don't let the hataz stop you from doin' yo' thang!

[to Janis] DAMN, I'd rather see you out there shakin' that thang!

I'm sorry, I only date women of color.

Mr. Duvall

[Seeing all the girls fighting] Hell, no. I did not leave the South Side for this!

Coach Carr, step away from the underage girls!

Miss Smith, why would Regina refer to herself as a..."fugly slut?"

I want to hear you make some noise! (pause) Alright, everyone settle down.

My apologies. I have a nephew named Anfernee, and I know how mad he gets when I call him Anthony. Almost as mad as I get when I think about the fact that my sister named him Anfernee.

I oughta cancel your Spring Fling. [girls shout no! and whisper] Now, I'm not gonna do that because we've already paid the DJ, but don't think I'm not taking this book seriously. Coach Carr has fled school property. Ms. Norbury has been accused of selling drugs. Now what the young ladies in this grade need is an attitude makeover. And you're going to get it, right now. I don't care how long it takes. I will keep you here all night. (Joan the Secretary: We can't keep them past four.) I will keep you here until four.

[During Cady's speech] You know... You're not required to make a speech...

[Later on in Cady's speech] You know, most people just take the crown and leave...

I hear Regina George is dating Aaron Samuels again. The two were seen canoodling at Chris Iso's Halloween party. And they've been inseparable ever since.

Mrs. George

[as Regina and her boyfriend are making out on Regina's bed] Can I get you guys anything? Some snacks? A condom? Let me know! Oh, God love ya.

Hey, hey, hey. How are my best girlfriends?

I just want you to know, if you ever need anything, don't be shy, OK? There are NO rules in the house. I'm not like a regular mom, I'm a cool mom.

[to Cady] Oh god, no, honey, what kind of a mother do you think I am? Why, do you want a little bit? Because if you're gonna drink, I'd rather you do it in the house.

Happy Hour is from four to six!

I'm gonna make you girls a hump-day treat!

So, you guys, what is the 411? What has everybody been up to? What is the hot gossip? Tell me everything. What are you guys listening to? What's the cool jams?

Doesn't she look great, honey?

Regina

[To Aaron] Why do you wear your hair like that? Your hair looks so sexy pushed back. Cady, will you please tell him his hair looks sexy pushed back?

No, I know what "homeschooled" is, I'm not retarded.

[repeated line] I know, right?

UGH! Do you know what people say about you? They say you're home-schooled jungle freak who's a less hot version of me. Yeah. So don't try to act so innocent. You can take that fake apology and shove it straight up your hairy little- [gets hit by a schoolbus]

Get in loser, we're going shopping.

I gave him everything...I was half a virgin when I met him!

I know she's kind of socially retarded and weird, but she's my friend...so, just promise me you wont make fun of her.

Boo, you whore!

Is butter a carb?

Jason, you do not you bring Gretchen to a party at my house and then scam on some poor, innocent girl right in front of us three days later. She's not interested! [To Cady] Do you want to have sex with him? [Cady: No thank you.] Good. So it's settled, so you can go shave your back now. Bye, Jason.

I wanna lose three pounds!

I really wannna lose three pounds.

Jason, why are you such a skeez?

[About Janis] Oh, look, it's her dream come true: jumping into a big pile of girls.

[To her mother] Please stop talking.

That's the ugliest effing skirt I've ever seen.

I love her, she's like a Martian.

Whatever, I'm getting cheese fries.

[On the phone, to Taylor Wedelle's mother] Oh, this is Susan from Planned Parenthood, I have her test results. If you could have her call me as soon as she can. It's urgent, Thank You.

[pause] These sweatpants are all that fits me right now. [after being ignored] Fine! You can walk home, bitches.

What is fetch?

Gretchen, stop trying to make fetch happen! It's not going to happen!

Can I just that we do not have a clique problem at this school? And some of us shouldn't have to take this workshop because some of us are just victims in this situation.

Because that vest was disgusting!

[Deleted scene] Okay, I'm going to forgive you because I'm a very "zen" person and I'm also on a lot of pain medication. You know Aaron really does like you? He was always talking about how unusual you are. Really pissed me off. It's like when I was seven, I had this really expensive doll house from Germany. But I never played with it so my mom wanted to give it to my cousin. But even though I didn't want it [Cady: You begged your mom to let you keep it?] No! I threw it down the stairs. Hah, I smashed it cuz I didn't want anyone else to have it. ...But that's just me...

Others

Ms. Norbury: Cady, I hope you do join Mathletes. We start in a couple of weeks and I would love to have you on the team, just, ya know, so the team could meet a girl.

Ms. Norbury: Well, this has been sufficiently awkward...

Ms. Norbury: The only guy who calls my house is Randy from Chase Visa.

Ms. Norbury: Oh, hi. Did you wanna buy some drugs?

Homeschooled Boy: And on the third day, God created the Remington bolt-action rifle, so that Man could fight the dinosaurs. And the homosexuals. Amen.

Homeschooled Girl: X-Y-L-O-C-A-R-P...XYLOCARP.

Bethany Byrd: I saw Cady Heron wearing army pants and flip flops, so I bought army pants and flip flops.

Coach Carr: Don't have sex. Because you will get pregnant and die. Don't do it in the missionary position, don't do it standing up. Just don't do it. Promise? Okay everybody grab some rubbers!

Aaron Samuels: [To Regina] Your face smells like peppermint!

Emma Gerber: Watch where you're going fat-ass!

Amber D'Alessio: [reads Burn Book paper] Made out with a hotdog? Oh my God, that was one time!

Jessica Lopez: I don't hate you 'cause you're fat... you're fat 'cause I hate you. [dives backwards in her wheelchair into the crowd of girls]

Michigan Girl: Alyssa, I'm sorry I called you a gap-toothed bitch. It's not your fault you're so gap-toothed.

Crying Girl: [Crying] I wish we were all happy like we used to be in middle school. I wish I could bake a cake full of rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy.[Damian: She doesn't even go here!] [Ms. Norbury: Do you even go this school?] No...I just have a lot of feelings...

Dialogue

Chip Heron: This is your lunch, OK? I put a dollar in there so you can buy some milk; you can ask one of the big kids where to do that.

Betsy Heron: Do you remember your phone number? I wrote it down for you just in case. Put it in your pocket, I don't want you to lose it. OK? You ready?

Cady: I think so.

Janis: That one there, that's Karen Smith. She is one of the dumbest girls you will ever meet. Damien sat next to her in English last year.

Damien: She asked me how to spell "orange".

[Cady snickers]

Janis: That little one, that's Gretchen Wieners.

Damien: She's totally rich because her dad invented Toaster Strudels.

Janis: Gretchen Wieners knows everybody's business, she knows everything about everyone.

Damien: That's why her hair is so big, it's full of secrets.

Janis: And evil takes a human form in Regina George. Don't be fooled because she may seem like your typical selfish, back-stabbing slut faced ho-bag, but in reality, she's so much more than that.

Damien: She's the queen bee - the star, those other two are just her little workers.

Karen: Ma'am, do you have this in the next size up?

Saleslady: Sorry, we only carry sizes 1, 3 and 5. You could try Sears.

Regina: She thinks she's gonna have a party and not invite me? Who does she think she is?

Shane Oman: You're right, hon.

Regina: I, like, invented her, you know what I mean?

Cady: Hey!

Regina: Why were you talking to Janis Ian?

Cady: I don't know, I mean, she's so weird, she just came up to me and started talking to me about crack.

Regina: She's so pathetic. Let me tell you something about Janis Ian. We were best friends in middle school. I know, right? It's so embarrassing. I don't even... whatever. So then in eighth grade, I started going out with my first boyfriend, Kyle, who was totally gorgeous. But then he moved to Indiana, and Janis was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I would blow her off to hang out with Kyle, she'd be like "Why didn't you call me back?". And I'd be like "Why are you so obsessed with me?". So then, for my birthday party, which was an all-girls pool party, I was like "Janis, I can't invite you because I think you're a lesbian". I mean, I couldn't have a lesbian at my party. There were gonna be girls there in their bathing suits. I mean, right? She was a lesbian. So then her mom called my mom and started yelling at her, it was so retarded. And then she dropped out of school because no one would talk to her, and she came back in the fall for high school, all of her hair was cut off and she was totally weird, and now I guess she's on crack.

Karen: Why are you dressed so scary?

Cady: It's Halloween.

Damien: [delivering candy canes] Taylor Zimmermann, two for you. Glenn Coco? Four for you, Glenn Coco! You go, Glenn Coco. And, uh... "Caddy" Heron. Do we have a "Caddy" Heron here?

Cady: It's Cady.

Damien: Oh, Cady, here you go, one for you... and none for Gretchen Wieners, bye.

Shane Oman: Why are you eating a Kälteen bar?

Regina: I'm starving.

Shane Oman: Man, I hate those things. Coach Carr makes us eat those when we want to move up a weight class.

Regina: What?

Shane Oman: They make you gain weight like crazy.

Regina: Motherf - [spits out candy bar and screams]

Kevin Gnapoor: What's up?

Janis: Can I help you?

Kevin Gnapoor: You Puerto Rican?

Janis: Lebanese.

Kevin Gnapoor: I feel that.

Betsy Heron: Where's Cady?

Chip Heron: She went out.

Betsy Heron: She's grounded.

Chip Heron: [surprised] Are they not allowed out when they're grounded?

Mrs. George: [serving the Plastics fruit drinks] Hey, you guys! Happy hour is from four to six!

Cady: Um, is there alcohol in this?

Mrs. George: Oh, God, honey, no! What kind of mother do you think I am? Why, do you want a little bit? Because if you're going to drink I'd rather you do it in the house.

Cady: [after humiliating Regina] Wait, Regina, I didn't mean for this to happen!

Regina: To find out that everyone hates me? I don't care!

Cady: Wait, Regina, just listen!

Regina: No! Do you know what everyone says about you? Hmm? They say that you're a homeschooled jungle freak, that's a less hot version of me! Yeah! So don't try to act so innocent! You can take that fake apology, and shove it right up your hairy - [Regina gets hit by a bus]

Jason: [reading from the Burn Book] Trang Pak made out with Coach Carr! And so did Sun Jin Dinh!

Trang Pak: [in Vietnamese] You little slut!

Sun Jin Dinh: [in Vietnamese] You're the slut!

[both start swearing in Vietnamese]

Joan, the secretary: And, finally, the nominees for "Spring Fling Queen"! Regina George...

[class applauds]

Joan, the secretary: Gretchen Wieners...

[class applauds and Gretchen responds breathlessly]

Joan, the secretary: Janis Ian...

[class applauds]

Regina: What is happening to the world?

Janis: Damien!

[Janis shoves Damien]

Damien: I couldn't help myself!

Joan, the secretary: ...and, finally, Cady Heron!

[class applauds]

Cady: Damien? You put me in there too? That's not part of the plan!

Damien: I didn't put you in there...

Cady: [surprised] You mean I'm really nominated?

Chip Heron: Hey, how was school?

Cady: Fine.

Betsy Heron: Were people nice?

Cady: No.

Chip Heron: Did you make any friends?

Cady: Yes.

Regina: But you're, like, really pretty.

Cady: Thank you.

Regina: So you agree?

Cady: What?

Regina: You think you're really pretty?

Regina: Oh, my God, I love your skirt! Where did you get it?

Lea Edwards: It was my mom's in the '80s.

Regina: Vintage, so adorable.

Lea Edwards: Thanks.

Regina: [after girl walks away] That is the ugliest effing skirt I've ever seen.

[in the girls' bathroom]

Short girl: Hey, get out of here.

Damien: Oh, my God! Danny DeVito! I love your work!

Karen: If you're from Africa, why are you white?

Gretchen: Oh, my God, Karen, you can't just ask people why they're white.

Karen: [after being dumped by Aaron, Regina is crying and holding hands with Gretchen and Karen in her bedroom] Did he say why?

Regina: [sniffling] Somebody told him about Shane Oman.

Gretchen: Who?

Regina: He said some guy on the baseball team.

Karen: Baseball team?

Regina: I gave him EVERYTHING. I was half a virgin when I met him!

Karen: You want to do something fun?

[looks enlightened]

Karen: You want to go to Taco Bell?

Regina: I CAN'T GO TO TACO BELL, I'M ON AN ALL-CARB DIET. God, Karen, you are SO stupid!

[stomps off]

Gretchen: Wait, Regina! Talk to me!

Regina: No one understands me...

Gretchen: I understand you!

Cady: You're not stupid, Karen.

Karen: No, I am actually. I'm failing almost everything.

Cady: Well... there must be something you're good at.

Karen: I can stick my whole fist in my mouth. Wanna see?

Cady: No no no... Anything else?

Karen: Well... I'm kinda psychic. I have a fifth sense.

Cady: What do you mean?

Karen: It's like I have ESPN or something. My breasts can always tell when it's going to rain.

Cady: Really? That's amazing.

Karen: Well... they can tell when it's raining.

Damian: [reading Cady's class schedule] Health, Spanish... you're taking 12th Grade Calculus?

Cady: Yeah, I like math.

Damian: Ew.. why?

Cady: Because it's the same in every country.

Damian: That's beautiful. This girl is deep.

Regina: Why don't I know you?

Cady: I'm new. I just moved here from Africa.

Regina: What?

Cady: I used to be home-schooled.

Regina: Wait... what?

Cady: My mom taught me at home...

Regina: No, I know what home-school is, I'm not retarded. So you've actually never been to a real school before? Shut up. Shut up!

Cady: I didn't say anything.

Karen: [on the phone, thinks she flashed over] Oh my god, she's so annoying.

Gretchen: Who is?

Karen: Who's this?

Gretchen: Gretchen...

Karen: Right... hold on.

[Karen flashes over]

Karen: Oh my god, she's so annoying.

Gretchen: [reading from the Burn Book] Trang Pak is a grotsky little byotch.

Regina: Still true.

Gretchen: Dawn Schweitzer is a fat virgin.

Regina: Still half-true.

[trying to avoid plans with Regina]

Karen: I can't go out.

[faux coughs softly]

Karen: I'm sick.

Regina: Boo, you whore.

Janis: Why didn't they just keep home schooling you?

Cady: They wanted me to get socialized.

Damian: Oh, you'll get socialized all right, a little slice like you.

Cady: What are you talking about?

Janis: You're a regulation hottie.

Cady: What?

Damian: Own it.

[Gretchen arrives at Karen's house, dressed in a cat suit with cat ears. Karen's in a skimpy short dress]

Gretchen: What are you supposed to be?

Karen: [Points to her headband] I'm a MOUSE. Duh!

Jason: Is your muffin buttered?

Cady: What?

Jason: Would you like us to assign someone to butter your muffin?

Cady: My what?

Regina: Is he bothering you? Jason, why are you such a skeaze?

Jason: I'm just being friendly.

Gretchen: [whispers] You were supposed to call me last night!

Regina: Jason, you do not come to a party at my house with Gretchen and then scam on some poor innocent girl right in front of us three days later. She's not interested. Do you want to have sex with him?

Cady: No, thank you.

Regina: Good. So it's settled. So you can go shave your back now. Bye, Jason.

Jason: [whispers] Bitch...

Cady: She took him back. Regina took Aaron back.

Janis: Oh, no, Cady...

Cady: Why would she do that?

Janis: 'Cause she's a life ruiner. She ruins people's lives.

Cady: And they have this book, this burn book, where they write mean things about all the girls in our grade.

Janis: What does it say about me?

Cady: [lying] You're not in it.

Janis: Those bitches.

Ms. Norbury: [handing Cady her test back] Not your best.

Kevin Gnapoor: Damn, Africa, what happened?

Cady: [describing Regina] She's not even that good looking if you really look at her.

Janis: I don't know, now that she's getting fatter she's got pretty big jugs.

Kevin Gnapoor: Look, I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but I only date women of color.

Cady: I have to pee.

[Regina, Karen, Gretchen and Cady listening to Katy Rose's Overdrive]

Regina: Cady, do you even know who sings this?

Cady: Um... the Spice Girls?

Regina: [laughs] I love her. She's like a Martian.

Mr. Duvall: Did your teacher ever try to sell you marijuana or ecstasy tablets?

Aaron Samuels: No.

Kevin Gnapoor: What are marijuana tablets?

Jason: Did you see a nipple? It only counts if you saw a nipple!

Student: Yeah, that's true dude...

Gretchen: That is so fetch!

Regina: Gretchen, stop trying to make fetch happen! It's not going to happen!

Karen: God. My hips are huge!

Gretchen: Oh please. I hate my calves.

Regina: At least you guys can wear halters. I've got man shoulders.

Cady: [voiceover] I used to think there was just fat and skinny. But apparently there's lots of things that can be wrong on your body.

Gretchen: My hairline is so weird.

Regina: My pores are huge.

Karen: My nail beds suck.

[pause. All look at Cady]

Cady: I have really bad breath in the morning.

Karen: Ew...

Karen: You know who's looking fine tonight? Seth Mosakowski.

Gretchen: Okay, you did not just say that.

Karen: What? He's a good kisser.

Gretchen: He's your cousin.

Karen: Yeah, but he's my first cousin.

Gretchen: Right.

Karen: So, you have your cousins, and then you have your first cousins, and then you have your second cousins...

Gretchen: No, honey, nuh-uh.

Karen: That's not right, is it?

Gretchen: That is so not right.

[Mr. Duvall is introducing Cady to the class]

Mr. Duvall: Her name is Cady. Cady Heron. Where are you, Cady?

Cady: That's me. It's pronounced like Katie.

Mr. Duvall: My apologies. I have a nephew named Anfernee, and I know how mad he gets when I call him Anthony. Almost as mad as I get when I think about the fact that my sister named him Anfernee.

Cady: I think I'm joining the Mathletes.

Regina, Gretchen, and Karen: NO! No, no!

Regina: You cannot do that. That is social suicide. Damn! You are so lucky you have us to guide you.

Gretchen: Regina, we have to talk to you.

Regina: Is butter a carb?

Cady: Yes.

Gretchen: Regina, you're wearing sweatpants. It's Monday.

Regina: So...?

Karen: So that's against the rules, and you can't sit with us.

Regina: Whatever. Those rules aren't real.

Karen: They were real that day I wore a vest!

Regina: Because that vest was disgusting!

Gretchen: You can't sit with us!

Regina: [pause] These sweatpants are all that fit me right now.

Regina: [after being ignored] Fine. You can walk home, bitches!

Mr. Duvall: Never in my 14 years as an educator have I seen such behavior. And from young ladies. I've got parents calling me on the phone and asking, "Did someone get shot?" I oughta cancel your Spring Fling.

[all girls shout, no, and whisper among themselves]

Mr. Duvall: Now, I'm not gonna do that because we've already paid the DJ. But don't think I'm not taking this book seriously. Coach Carr has fled school property. Ms. Norbury has been accused of selling drugs. Now what the young ladies in this grade need is an attitude makeover. And you're going to get it, right now. I don't care how long it takes. I will keep you here all night.

Joan the Secretary: We can't keep them past four.

Mr. Duvall: I will keep you here until four.

Janis: Regina George... How do I begin to explain Regina George?

Emma Gerber: Regina George is flawless.

Lea Edwards: She has two Fendi purses and a silver Lexus.

Mathlete Tim Pak: I hear her hair's insured for $10,000.

Amber D'Alessio: I hear she does car commercials... in Japan.

Kristen Hadley: Her favorite movie is Varsity Blues.

Short Girl: One time she met John Stamos on a plane.

Jessica Lopez: - and he told her she was pretty.

Bethany Byrd: One time she punched me in the face... it was awesome.

Mr. Duvall: So, uh... how was your summer?

Ms. Norbury: I got divorced.

Mr. Duvall: Oh. My carpal tunnel came back.

Ms. Norbury: I win.

Mr. Duvall: Yes, you do.

Kevin Gnapoor: [seeing the Jingle Bell Rock dancers] Damn!

Janis: What?

Kevin Gnapoor: I'd rather see you out there shakin' that thang.

Damian: [to Cady] You can't join Mathletes, it's social suicide!

Ms. Norbury: Thanks, Damian.

Cady: [voiceover] Oh, no. It was coming up again, word vomit... no, wait a minute...

Regina: [bursting in] What is this?!

Cady: [voiceover] Actual vomit.

Janis: We gotta crack Gretchen Wieners. We crack Gretchen, and then we crack the lock on Regina's whole dirty history.

Damian: Say crack again.

Janis: Crack.

Student: Nice wig, Janis. What's it made of?

Janis: Your mom's chest hair!

Damian: Oh, my God! I love this song!

Janis: I hate this song.

Cady: I know this song!

Cady: Oh, God...

Janis: You dirty little liar!

Cady: I'm sorry, I can explain.

Janis: Explain what? How you forgot to invite us to your "cool party"?

Damian: Janis, I cannot stop this car. I have a curfew.

Cady: You know I couldn't invite you! I had to pretend to be plastic!

Janis: [laughs] Buddy, you're not pretending anymore! You're plastic! Cold, shiny, hard plastic!

Damian: Curfew, 1 a.m., it is now 1:10.

Janis: Did you have an awesome time? Did you drink awesome shooters, listen to awesome music, and just sit around and soak up each others' awesomeness?

Cady: You know what? You're the one who made me like this so you could use me for your eighth grade revenge!

Janis: God! See, at least me and Regina George know we're mean! But you try to act so innocent like, "Oh, I use to live in Africa with all the little birdies, and the little monkeys!"

Cady: You know what, It's not my fault you're like, in love with me, or something!

Janis: WHAT?!

Damian [abruptly stops the car]: Oh no she did not!

Janis: See, that's the thing with you Plastics, you think everyone's in love with you, but in reality, everyone *hates* you, like Aaron Samuels for example! He broke up with Regina and guess what, he still doesn't want you, Cady! So why are you still messing with Regina? I'll tell you why, because you are a mean girl, you're a bitch! Here, you can have this, it won a prize.

[Damian drives away with Janis, yelling out the window]

Damian: And I want my pink shirt back! I WANT MY PINK SHIRT BACK!

Ms. Norbury: [after implying that an elderly biker is her boyfriend] I'm kidding. Sometimes older people make jokes too.

Damian: My nana takes her wig off when she's drunk.

Ms. Norbury: Your nana and I have that in common.

Cady: Hey!... Are we still in a fight?

Janis: Are you still an asshole?

Cady: No. I don't think so.

Betsy Heron: Where's Cady?

Chip Heron: She went out.

Betsy Heron: She's grounded.

Chip Heron: Are they not allowed out when they're grounded?

Bethany Byrd: Somebody wrote in that book that I'm lying about being a virgin because I use super jumbo tampons... but I can't help it if I've got a heavy flow and a wide set vagina!

Mr. Duvall: ... yeah, I can't do this.

[reading a printed page from the Burn Book]

Damian: Janis Ian - Dyke.

Janis: Oh, that's original.

[reading about himself]

Damian: "Too gay to function?!"

Janis: Hey, that's only okay when I say it!

Kevin Gnapoor: [rapping] Yo Yo Yo! All you sucka MCs ain't got nothin' on me! From my grades to my life you can't touch Kevin G! I'm a mathlete, so nerd is inferred, but forget what you heard I'm like James Bond the third, sh-sh-sh-shaken not stirred - I'm Kevin Gnapoor! The G's silent when I sneak through your door and make love to your woman on the bathroom floor. I don't play it like Shaggy, you'll know it was me. Cause the next time you see her she'll be like, "OHH! KEVIN G!"

[cut off]

Mr. Duvall: Thank you Kevin, that's enough!

Kevin Gnapoor: Happy holidays everybody!

Cady: So, are you gonna send any candy canes?

Regina: No. I don't send them, I just get them. So you better send me one, biatch. Love ya, bye! [blows kiss]

Mrs. George: I'm a cool mom! Right, Regina?

Regina: [smiling] Please stop talking.

Cady: Wow. Your house is really nice.

Regina: I know, right?

Gretchen: [whispering] Make sure you check out her mom's boob job. They're hard as rocks!

Mr. Duvall: Well, I just wanted to let everyone know that we have a new student joining us. She just moved here all the way from Africa.

Ms. Norbury: [to black Michigan girl] Welcome!

Michigan Girl: [offended] I'm from Michigan.

Ms. Norbury: Great!

Regina: 120 calories and 48 calories from fat. What percent is that?

Gretchen: Uh, 48 into 120?

Regina: I'm only eating foods with less than 30 percent calories from fat.

Cady: It's 40 percent. Well 48 over 120 equals X over 100 and then you cross multiply and get the value of X.

Regina: Whatever, I'm getting cheese fries.

Janis: What is that smell?

Cady: Oh, Regina gave me some perfume.

Janis: You smell like a baby prostitute.

Cady: Thanks.

[Janis sprays deodorant at Cady]

Ms. Norbury: You nervous?

Cady: Yes.

Ms. Norbury: Don't be. You can do this. There's nothing to break your focus, because not one of those Marymount boys is cute.

Crying Girl: [reading from paper] I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school... I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy...

[about to cry]

Damian: [shouting from back] She doesn't even go here!

Ms. Norbury: Do you even go to this school?

Crying Girl: No... I just have a lot of feelings...

Gretchen: Well, I mean you wouldn't buy a skirt without asking your friends first if it looks good on you.

Cady: I wouldn't?

Gretchen: Right. Oh, and it's the same with guys. Like, you may think you like someone, but you could be wrong.

Cady: [voiceover] Finally, Girl World was at peace.

Damian: Hey, check it out. Junior Plastics.

Cady: [voiceover] And if any freshmen tried to disturb that peace, well, let's just say we knew how to take care of it.

[Imagines Junior Plastics being hit by a bus]

Cady: [voiceover] Just kidding.

Gretchen: Oh my God, there's Jason! *gasp* And he's with Taylor Wedell!

Karen: I heard they're going out.

Regina: Wait, Jason's not going out with Taylor...no, he cannot blow you off like that. He is such a little skeaze. Give me your phone.

Gretchen: You're not going to call him, right?

Regina: Do you think I'm an idiot?

Regina: [dials phone] Wedell on South Boulevard.

Gretchen: Caller ID!

Regina: Not when you connect from information.

Taylor's Mom: Hello?

Regina: Hi, may I please speak to Taylor Wedell?

Taylor's Mom: She's not in right now, who's calling?

Regina: Oh, this is Susan from Planned Parenthood. I have her test results, if you could have her give me a call as soon as she can, it's urgent, thank you. [Taylor's mom faints] [Regina hangs up]She's not going out with anyone.

Gretchen: Okay, that was so fetch.

Dawn Schweitzer: [reading pages from burn book] "Dawn Schweitzer has a huge ass." Who would write that?

Other Jock Girl: Who wouldn't write that?

[Deleted scene]

Gretchen: I think tonight might be the night with Jason.

Karen: You've already slept with him.

Gretchen: [pauses] Yeah, but tonight might be the night I enjoy it.

[Deleted scene]

Regina: We do not have a clique problem at this school.

Gretchen: But you do have to watch out for "frenemies".

Regina: What are "frenemies"?

Gretchen: Frenemies are enemies who act like friends. We call them "frenemies".

Karen: Or "enemends".

Gretchen: Or friends who secretly hate you, we call them "fraitors".

Regina: [rolls eyes] That is so gay.

Karen: [gasps] What if we called them "mean-em-aitors"?

Regina: [scoffs]

Gretchen: No, honey, it has to have the word "friend" in it.

Karen: Oh...

[Blooper]

[Cady and Damian watch the Junior Plastics almost get hit by a bus, Cady takes a sip of her Sprite]

Damian: Good news, they didn't get hit, bad news, they're still flat.

[Cady spits out her pop, laughing hysterically]

Burn Book

Trang Pak is a grotsky little biatch...Trang Pak made out with Coach Carr.

Bethany Byrd has an amazing ability to supress her gag reflex. Uses super jumbo tampons....slut.

Dawn Schweitzer is a fat virgin...Dawn Schweitzer has a huge ass.

Amber D'Alessio made out with a hot dog.

Janis Ian - Dyke!

Regina George - This girl is the nastiest skank bitch I've ever met. Do not trust her. She is a fugly slut!

Ms. Norbery - Sad, old drug pusher.

Taglines

Welcome to Girl World.

They're coming.

This summer, be part of the in-crowd.

Only the strong survive!

Watch your back: They're your friends.

Cast

Lindsay Lohan - Cady Heron
Rachel McAdams - Regina George
Tina Fey - Ms. Norbury
Amanda Seyfried - Karen Smith
Lacey Chabert - Gretchen Wieners
Lizzy Caplan - Janis Ian
Tim Meadows - Mr. Duvall
Daniel Franzese - Damian
Amy Poehler - Mrs. George
Ana Gasteyer - Cady's Mom
Daniella Conway - Junior Plastics