Desperate Housewives is an American television program.

Pilot

Andrew: "I'm saying, do you always have to serve cuisine? Can't we just have food?

Bree: "Are you doing drugs?"

Andrew: "What?"

Bree: "Change in behavior is one of the warning signs and you have been as fresh as paint over the last six months. That would explain why you're always locked in the bathroom."

Danielle: "Trust me, that is not what he is doing."

Andrew: "Shut up."

----

Carlos: "It's business. Tanaka expects everyone to bring their wives."

Gabrielle: "Every time I'm around that man, he tries to grab my ass."

Carlos: "I made over $200,000 with him last week. If he wants to grab your ass, you let him."

----

Carlos: "At the Donahue party, everyone was talking mutual funds and you found a way to mention you slept with half of the Yankee outfielders."

Gabrielle: "I'm telling you, it came up in the context of the conversation."

----

Rex (to Bree): "I'm sick of the bizarre way your hair doesn't move."

----

Rex: "Since when do you make mistakes?"

Bree: "What's that supposed to mean?"

Rex: "It means that I'm sick of you being so damn perfect all the time. You're this plastic suburban housewife with her pearls and her spatula who says things like 'We owe the Hendersons a dinner.'"

----

Susan: "I just don't know how I'm going to survive this."

Mary Alice: "Listen to me. We all have moments of desperation. But if we face them head on, that's when we find out just how strong we really are."

----

Susan: "Oh, I wouldn't eat that if I were you."

Mike: "Why?"

Susan: "I made it, trust me. Hey, hey, do you have a death wish?"

Mike: "No, I just refuse to believe that anybody can screw up macaroni and cheese."

Mike takes a bites of the macaroni, as SUSAN gestures apologetically, smiling

Mike: "Oh my God. How did you...it tastes like it's burnt and undercooked."

Susan: "Yeah, I get that a lot. Here you go."

----

Danielle: "Why can't we ever have normal soup?"

Bree: "Danielle, there is nothing abnormal about basil puree."

Danielle: "Just once, couldn't we have a soup that people have heard of? Like, french onion or navy bean."

Bree: "First of all, your father can't eat onions. He's deathly allergic. And I won't even dignify your navy bean suggestion. (pause) So, how's the osso buco?"

----

Susan: "How would you feel if I used your child support payments for plastic surgery?"

Julie: "You look fine."

Susan: "If you could cut back to two meals a day I could get a chemical peel."

----

Julie: "Stop being so nervous, you're just asking him out to dinner. It's no big deal. "

Susan: "You're right. (stalling) So, is that your project for school? You know in 5th grade I made the white house out of sugar cubes."

Julie: "Stop stalling and go. Before Mike figures out he can do better."

Susan: (gapes at Julie) "Tell me again why I fought for custody of you?"

Julie: "You were using me to hurt dad."

Susan: "Oh, that's right."

----

Ah, But Underneath

Lady: "Listen, it seems to me like you have some anger management issues."

Lynette: "I have four kids under the age of six. I absolutely have anger management issues."

----

Susan: "Julie? Mike Delfino just invited us to dinner Friday night."

Julie: "He did? Cool."

Susan: "But only I'm going. Because you're gonna come down with something semi-serious that requires bed-rest and fluids."

----

Gabrielle: "So now you're taking Julie on your dinner date with Mike?"

Susan: "Yeah, well, if Edie's gonna be there, I'm gonna need emotional support."

----

Julie: "Dear Diary, Mike doesn't even know I'm alive."

Susan: "Shut up."

Julie: "If you wanna date him, you're gonna have to ask him out."

Susan: "I keep hoping he'll ask me out."

Julie: "How's that going?"

Susan: "Shouldn't you be making brownies for your nerdy friends?"

----

Gabrielle: "I can't believe she wormed her way in. How did you let her do that?"

Susan: "I don't know, I was gonna take her out at the knees, but it all happened so fast."

Gabrielle: "Well, you know what you need to do. You need to get there early, spend a little time with Mike before little barracuda gets there."

Susan: "That's a good idea. Edie will get there at 5:45, which means her breasts will arrive at 5:30, so I should shoot for five."

----

Bree: "It's the age old question. How much do really want to know about our neighbors?"

----

Gabrielle: "Do you know how bored I was today? I came this close to actually cleaning the house."

----

Edie: "Oh God, look at all these things, all these beautiful things that my ex-husbands worked so hard for, burnt to a crisp."

Pretty Little Picture

Rex: "So these tennis lessons we're taking. How are we doing?"

Bree: "My back hand is improving immensely, but you're still having problems with your serve."

Rex: "Of course."

----

Paul: "Can I be frank?"

Susan: "Of course."

Paul: "I don't care what her reasons were. Maybe she was depressed. Maybe she was bored. It doesn't matter. She abandoned her husband and her son. And I'll never forgive her."

----

Gabrielle: "How was school?"

John: "I got an A minus in biology."

Gabrielle: "Show me what you you learned."

----

Susan: "Lynette?"

Lynette: "I'm in."

Bree: "I'll make braised lamb shanks."

Lynette: "I'm still in."

----

Zach: "You didn't put in an obituary?"

Paul: "I've been busy."

Zach: "Maybe when you die, I won't put in an obituary."

----

Susan: "How could we have all forgotten about this?"

Lynette: "We didn't exactly forget, it's just usually when the hostess dies that party is off."

Bree: "Lynette!"

Lynette: "I'm not being flip, I'm just pointing out a reality."

----

Carl: "The heart wants what it wants."

Susan: "Well, my heart wants to hurt you, but I can control myself!"

----

Gabrielle: (to Ashley, about kissing) "And some people kiss their friends, it's like a high-five on the lips!"

----

Bree: "Rex cries after he ejaculates."

Who's that Woman?

Martha: "I was just thinking of that expression, ‘I’ll make mincemeat out of you.’ Mincemeat used to be made up of little bits of meat chopped up, so the expression was like saying, ‘I’ll chop you up into little pieces!’"

----

Yao Lin: "I hate lying."

Gabrielle: "Yeah, well, I hate your ironing, so there."

----

Edie (to Mrs. Huber): "I hate Susan Mayer. Everytime I see those big doe eyes of hers, I swear to God I just want to go out and shoot a deer."

Come In, Stranger

Bree: "I love to try out new recipes before the holidays. That way if the cookbook has it wrong, I can fix it."

----

Bree: "He could've been a sexual predator."

Rex: "And he ended up at Mrs. Frome's? That's a lose-lose situation."

----

Lynette: "You can tell them how beautifully behaved the twins are."

Bree: "So you want me to lie?"

Lynette: "I thought that was understood."

----

Rex: "Oh come on, I'm staying at a motel, I haven't had a decent meal in weeks."

Bree: "Honey, the marriage counseling may not work out, you need to get used to bad cooking."

----

Bree: "Rex. The truth is, with the kids gone, I'll be all by myself in this house for the first time in seventeen years."

Rex: "Honey, I know it's hard to hear, but the marriage counseling might not work out. You need to get used to being alone."

Bree: "You're right. That was hard to hear."

----

Mama Solis: "Excuse my daughter-in-law. She's very fulfilled."

----

Lynette: "Did you bat your eyes? You know, it doesn't work if you don't bat your eyes."

Susan: "Honey, I batted everything that wasn't nailed down."

----

Susan: "I hate to bother you while you're um...working, but do you have change for a 5? Preferably in quarters.

Prostitute: "If I got paid in quarters I must be doing something wrong!"

Running to Stand Still

Gabrielle: "Yeah, I’ve seen who you’ve been busy with."

John: "Danielle? Come on, I mean, she’s just a friend."

Gabrielle: "Well, before you get any friendlier, let me remind you, I can do things to you she can’t even pronounce"

----

Bree: "Is that how you see me? As some sort of prude who just lays there like a cold fish? I love sex."

Dr. Goldfine: "All right."

Bree: "I love everything about it. The sensations, the smells. I especially love the feel of a man. All that muscle and sinew pressed against my body. And then, when you add friction. Mmm ... The tactile sensation of running my tongue over a man’s nipple ever so gently. And then there’s the act itself - two bodies becoming one in that final eruption of pleasure. To be honest, the only thing I don’t like about sex is the scrotum. I mean, obviously it has its practical applications, but I’m just not a fan."

----

Julie: "How am I supposed to blend in with a bunch of messed up teenagers?"

Susan: "I dunno, pretend you're bulimic, gag a little."

----

Bree: "I'm repairing a chipped mug."

Rex: "Why don't you just buy a new one?"

Bree: "Because I think it's better to fix what you already have."

----

Susan (about borrowing the car) : "It's no big deal. It's only for a couple of hours. I let you borrow my eggs for a whole year!"

----

Bree: "How much longer is your mid-life crisis going to last because it's really starting to tick me off!"

----

Lynette: "Next Spring, we're going to do 'Bambi' and his mother is going to take a slug to the heart....and you're gonna like it!"

Anything You Can Do

Mary Alice (voiceover): "Competition, it means different things to different people. But whether it’s a friendly rivalry...or a fight to the death...the end result is the same. There will be winners...and there will be losers. Of course, the trick is to know which battles to fight. You see, no victory comes without a price."

----

Susan: "Hey Edie!"

Edie: "Wow, get a load of you. You look so pretty. I hardly recognize you."

----

[Susan is embarassed after having been hit in the face by a mechanical bull]

Susan: "Everybody's staring at me, aren't they?"

Mike: "Just the slapstick fans."

----

Mr. Shaw: "Sometimes, evil drives a minivan."

Guilty

Edie: "I am not going to apologize for having a healthy sex life!"

Martha: "Healthy? I'm going to have to burn every sheet you've touched."

----

Bree: "This is the most impoverished neighborhood in the city. Trust me, someone will steal the car."

Rex: "How can you be so sure?"

Bree: "Because I have faith in the poor."

----

Father Crowley: "Don't you want to be a good person?"

Gabrielle: "What I want is to be happy."

Father Crowley: "That's the answer of a selfish child."

Gabrielle: "I know."

----

(Doorbell rings)

Lynette: "Go to hell. (doorbell rings 3 times) Go to hell, go to hell, go to hell."

----

Susan: (to Bongo, Mike's dog) "If you came in here to judge me, you can just leave. (Bongo turns around) No! Wait! Don't go!"

----

Susan: (to Bongo) "What is wrong with you? Lassie would have had a fire truck here by now! Stupid dog. (Bongo runs out) Good boy Bongo! Go get help! (Bongo brings back a dead bird) Ohh...ew!"

Suspicious Minds

Bree: "Hi Danielle. How was school?"

Danielle: "It was ok."

Bree: "Good. Where does Andrew keep his marijuana?"

----

Edie: "Crap! Crap! Crap! I'm telling you, all of the good dresses are taken. Well, what the hell am I supposed to wear?"

Lynette: "Well, Mrs. Huber never showed up. Why don't you wear this one?"

Edie: "This is an old lady dress. You won't even be able to see my body."

Lynette: "That is so like you, Edie. You're always thinking of others."

----

Bree: "Well, that's because you just don't love him as much as I do!"

Rex: "Well, isn't that nice."

Bree: "It's just a fact. I'm his mother. He lived inside of me."

Rex: "He hung out in your womb for a few months back in the 80s. Since then, I have grown to love him just as much as you!"

----

Gabrielle: "Edie, what did you do to that dress?"

Edie: "Well, I made it audience friendly. Can you tell I'm not wearing any underwear?"

Gabrielle: "Yes!"

Edie: "Good."

Come Back to Me

Bree: "Were you with a woman? Did you tell that you have a wife, or does that hinder your pick-up style?"

Rex: "All right. Even if I was seeing someone, I have every right to. Exploring options is the whole point of being separated!"

Bree: "Options! I'm not a mutual fund, Rex."

----

Maisy: "You’re not going to tell a soul. Bree, you may hate me, but you’d hate the humiliation a lot more."

Bree: "Oh, I don’t hate you, Maisy. I pity you."

----

Julie: Oh, I talked to Dad today, and apparently, he and Brandi might break up."

Susan: "Oh, how awful!"

Julie: "Mom, you’re smiling."

Susan: "Am I? Hmm."

----

Bree (whispering): "As of this moment, Rex, I am no longer your wife. I am going to go out, and find the most vindictive lawyer I can find, and together, we are going to eviscerate you. I'm going to take away your money, your family, and your dignity. Do you hear me?"

Rex: "Bree..."

Bree: "And I am so thrilled to know that you still love me. Because I want what's about to happen to you...to hurt as much as humanly possible. I'm so glad you didn't die before I got a chance to tell you that."

----

Maisy: "Oh, Bree. What a nice surprise. Would you like to come in?"

Bree: "Well, that depends. Are you having an affair with my husband?"

----

Bree: "Andrew, Danielle! Daddy's going to fornicate for us!"

Move On

George: "It was nice talking with you, Dr. Van de Kamp."

Rex: "Please, you're dating my wife! Call me Rex!"

----

Edie: "I just wanted you to know that everyone on Wisteria Lane is praying for your sister's safe return."

Felicia: "Oh, I seriously doubt that."

----

Edie: "Look, Felicia, it's natural to freak out when a loved one is missing."

Felicia: "Loved one? Oh, Edie, let me be clear about this. I hated Martha. She was a wretched pig of a woman and the day she died, this world became a better place."

----

Bree: "Do me a favor, Rex. Please don't mistake my anal-retentiveness for actual affection."

----

Susan: "Mike, guess what. I love you."

Every Day, A Little Death

Felicia: "Look at them all. Vultures. Pretending to care when all they really want are the sordid details."

Police Chief: "I don't know, I think they just want to show their support."

Felicia: "Please. Human beings feed on misery."

----

Gabrielle: "You're the man of the house? You can't even leave it."

----

Gabrielle: "I'm running out of money. In a couple of weeks, I'm gonna be screwed."

Yao Lin: "Why don't you hock some of your jewelry? There's a lot of stuff you never wear, and most of it's ugly."

Gabrielle: "Don't you have a toilet to scrub?"

----

Edie: "Oh Susan, you are such a good person, and I'm such a bitch!"

----

Susan: "I guess I should go take a shower and wash Mrs. Huber off me."

----

Felicia: "Hello. I want to thank you all for coming out here and expressing your genuine sorrow and disbelief. My sister, Martha, would have been so touched. I know that many of you have questions. I've just spoken with the police who are still putting together the details of what happened. What they do know is, Martha died a violent death. Yes, I know. It’s hard to hear. Apparently, there was a struggle. They found scratching and bruising on her body, several broken bones, and traces of dirt in her lungs, which leads us to believe that she was still alive at the time of her burial, and probably in great pain. But the good news is, there are no signs that she had been molested. Now, I think it's time that you return to your homes, to your loved ones. Oh, in lieu of a memorial service, I'll be holding an estate sale the day after tomorrow. Please, no personal checks."

Your Fault

Rex: "Hey!"

Bree: "I’m not speaking to you."

Rex: "Didn’t like the settlement talks, huh?"

Bree: "You only demanded the good china because you know I love it."

Rex: "You take our timeshare in Aspen, and I’m vindictive? Come on! You'll hardly ever use that place!"

Bree: "Hardly? How about never!"

Rex: "I mean, fine. When I move out, I’m going to use your good china for take out food. Yeah. pizza, spare ribs..."

Bree: "You know what? At our next settlement talks, I plan on asking for your golf clubs!"

Rex: "Isn’t divorce fun?"

----

Susan (chuckles): "Listen, I know being dramatic is the birthright of every teenager, but come on..."

Zach: "WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING!!?? DO YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?"

Susan (harshly): "Thank you, Zach. You have just made this really easy for me. You are now forbidden from seeing or talking to my daughter ever again. And if you come within ten feet of her, I will call the police, and I will have you arrested! Now get out!"

----

Gabrielle: "John, you're a toy. A sweet dumb toy. So you might as well go to college, because me and you? no future!"

----

Rex: "What do you say Bree, do we send the vultures home?"

Bree: "I want to keep the club membership. Rex is terrible at tennis and hates buffets."

----

Gabrielle: "I've tried poor but happy. Guess what? Wasn't that happy!"

Love is in the Air

Bree: "Okay. So what’s our control word?"

Rex: "Well, lately I’ve been using Philadelphia. What’s wrong?"

Bree: "Well it’s just that my Aunt Fern lives in Philadelphia and I don’t want to be thinking about her while I’m spanking you with a leather strap."

Rex: "Okay. Fine. You pick a control word."

Bree: "Um, how about Boise?"

Rex: "Boise?"

Bree: "What’s the matter with Boise?"

Rex: "We’re going to be doing psychological role playing here, Bree, and a funny word like Boise would ruin the mood. We need something that sounds serious."

Bree: "Hmm. How about Palestine?"

Rex: "Boise will be just fine."

----

Rex: "For God's sake, you promised to be supportive."

Bree: "What do you want me to say? My husband likes to wear metal clamps around his nipples. Hooray?"

----

Lynette: "Are you sure you didn't misplace it? No offense, but you're getting up there in the years."

Mrs. McCluskey: "No offense, but you should be sterilised."

----

Lynette: "Do you know what psychological warfare is?"

Porter: "No.."

Lynette: "Too bad for you."

----

Karen McCluskey: "How old are you?"

Porter Scavo (also referring to his twin brother): "We're 6."

Karen McCluskey: "And how old are you?"

Parker Scavo: "5."

Karen McCluskey: "Wow, your mother just pops them out, doesn't she?"

Porter Scavo: "How old are you?"

Karen McCluskey: "How old do you think?"

Porter Scavo: "150."

Impossible

John: "Mrs. Van De Kamp."

Bree: "Hello, John. I'm sorry to drop by on you, unannounced. Do you have a moment?"

John: "Sure. So, what can I do for you?"

Bree: "Well, I'll tell you. My daughter is planning on giving you her virginity and I would consider it a personal favor if you wouldn't take it."

----

Rex: for God's sake Bree, what do you want me to say? He's a teenage boy, we could cut of his penis and he'd still try to have sex."

----

Bree: "You're President of the abstinence club!"

Danielle: "Well, I wasn't planning on running for a second term."

----

Susan: "Well, I'm adorable crazy. And he's rampage crazy."

----

Bree: "We're WASPs, denying the white elephant in the room is what we do best."

----

Andrew: "Would this have to do with the condom you left in my room? 'Cause that wasn't mine..."

Danielle: "You suck, you know that."

The Ladies who Lunch

Edie: "So, what are we looking for, exactly? An embroidered pillow that says "I killed Martha Huber"?"

----

Edie: "I was just about to give a Maisy Gibbons update."

Lynette: "Guys, we should be ashamed of ourselves for reveling in that woman's misery. That being said, Edie, please continue."

----

Edie: "My necklace! Oh, you know, I lent this to Martha three months ago, and she said that it went down the drain. Oh, I miss how we used to steal things from one another."

----

Lynette: "I don't get it. I don't get who would pay Maisy for sex."

Gabrielle: "Obviously someone who is not getting it at home."

Bree: "Ah, what just happened?"

Lynette: "The stakes were raised."

Bree: "Yes, yes they were. I fold."

----

Maisy: "..I've been abandoned. I guess that what happens when you become the town whore."

Bree: "Oh sweetie, they didn't abandon you because you're a whore. They abandoned you because you weren't that nice to begin with."

----

Susan: "But I also didn't believe Carl was gonna cheat on me. Or that Mary Alice would kill herself. Let's face it Mike, blind faith is not my friend."

----

Gabrielle: "As I see it, good friends avoid each other after being humiliated, but great friends pretend nothing happened in the first place."

----

Bree: "Good friends offer to help in a crisis; great friends don't take no for an answer."

----

Susan: "Do you believe in evil, Edie?"

Edie: "Of course I believe in evil, I work in real estate!"

----

Rex: "Are they laughing at us?"

Bree: "No, I think they're laughing at you. I think they feel sorry for me which is, just as mortifying."

----

Rex: "What are we gonna do?"

Bree: "Oh. We're going to act like nothing is happening, and then, when we finish eating, we're going to walk out of here with all the dignity that we can muster."

Rex: "Please, let's go now..."

Bree: "Oh no. I refuse to give them this kind of satisfaction. Open your menu."

Rex: "Everybody's staring, Bree. It's humiliating."

----

Bree: "Rex, if you walk out of this restaurant, I will scream.

Rex: "Bree..."

Bree: "I will scream about your cruelty. Then I will scream about your infidelity. And just to make sure it really hurts, I will scream about your distasteful sexual habits. You want to know what true humiliation is, you just take one step."

----

Susan: "You lied to me."

Mike: "When? When did I lie to you?"

Susan: "The police showed me your rap sheet. You killed a man."

Mike: "You can't believe I'm some cold-blood killer."

Susan: "No, of course I don't believe that, but I also didn't believe that Karl was going to cheat on me, and I didn't believe that Mary Alice was gonna kill herself. I mean, let's face it, Mike. Blind faith is not my friend."

Mike: "I was gonna tell you. There just wasn't a right moment."

Susan: "See? Now that's a lie, too, because there were plenty of right moments."

Mike: "Susan-"

Susan: "Every time we went out for pizza, you could have said, 'oh, by the way, I once killed a man.' Or when you said, 'hey, let's go jogging', you could have said, 'well, by the way, I once killed a man.' Every time we went to the movies and the hero shot the bad guy, you could have turned to me and said, 'oh, by the way, I did that once.' You didn't."

There Won't Be Trumpets

Edie: "Susan, you know I try. I try to look past your flaws, your klutziness, that, that faux vulnerability, your hair, but you look for ways to push my buttons."

Susan: "He just wants to buy me a burrito."

----

Bree: "Think about how good men are at lying on the spot. Imagine if you gave them time and a pen."

Children Will Listen

Bree: "Porter, what did I tell you?"

Porter: "But I'm hungry."

Bree: "Well, then, I will fix you a very nice bowl of peaches and cottage cheese."

Porter: "Ew, barf."

Bree: "Don't be common, young man."

----

Gabrielle: "Because, one day, when the time is right, we're gonna tell him how he drove me right into your arms, and that's gonna kill him. And tonight, just whatever you do, don't call me beautiful."

----

Tom: "Lynette, the kids are getting older, and they are getting smarter. Soon, they're going to realize that they outnumber us, and then..."

Lynette: "We're screwed."

Tom: "Exactly.

----

Lynette: "Hi. (to Bree) My babysitter cancelled."

Bree: "I've got millions of erands to run so...."

Lynette: "Please hear me out. This is important. Today I have a chance to join the human race for a few hours. They're actual adults waiting for me with margaritas. Look, I'm in a dress. I have make-up on."

Bree: "If it were any other day."

Lynette: "Oh, for Gods sake, Bree, I'm wearing pantyhose."

----

Rex: "Bree, why aren't you dressed?"

Bree: "I wanted to wear Andrew's favorite color, but I just realized I don't know what it is."

Rex: "Bree, I'm sure that you came to see him will be all he needs."

Bree: (ignoring him) "A good mother is supposed to know her kids inside and out, but I don't know that."

Rex: "Bree..."

Bree: "Yours is blue, and Danielle loves pink. But I...I can't remember Andrew's. Should I wear the brown, or the green..."

Rex: "Bree, you are a wonderful mother. And when you are ready, I'll be in the car."

Bree: (quietly, to herself) "I'll wear green; everyone likes green."

----

Felicia (referring to Mrs. Huber's house): "This is the place where good taste goes to die."

Live Alone and Like It

Andrew: "You know what my mom said to me last night? She said she doesn't think I'm going to Heaven. Can you believe that?"

Reverend Sikes: "I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt your feelings, but the only way you can know Paradise is by repenting your sins."

Andrew: "When she said that to me, suddenly it hit me how I was gonna get back at her. From now on, I'm going to be so good. I'm gonna eat my vegetables, I'm,I'm gonna get good grades, I'm gonna say "yes, ma'am" and "no, ma'am." I'm gonna make her believe that God has delivered her this little miracle. Until one day, when she least expects it, I'm gonna do something so awful, it is going to rock her world. I mean, it is really going to destroy her. And when that day comes, trust me. I'll know Paradise."

----

John: "What about me? Can't I be your plan B?"

Gabrielle: "Damn it, John. What is our new rule?"

John: "Stop pretending we have a future."

Gabrielle: "Thank you."

----

Gabrielle: "If you ever hurt me again, I will kill you."

Carlos: "If you ever leave me for another man, I'll kill you."

Gabrielle: "Boy, with all this passion, isn't it a shame that we're not having sex?"

----

Gabrielle: "I feel trapped."

John: "You want me to open a window?"

Gabrielle: "No, I'm talking about my life."

John: "Oh. Are we done making out?"

----

Andrew: (referring to the wine) You don't suppose I can get some of that?

Rex: Nope. I'm gonna need every drop.

----

Gabrielle: "Carlos cut up all my credit cards. I'm married and I can't shop which is the worst of all of all possible worlds."

----

John: "Why dont you return the shoes and get the money back?"

Gabrielle: "Return the shoes!?! I can't talk to you when you're being hysterical!"

----

Bree: "Your father is into S&M. He makes me beat him with a riding crop. No wonder you're perverted. Look who your parents are."

Fear No More

Edie: "When I feel threatened by a woman, I pull her in. I make her my best friend."

Lynette: "I thought you said you didn't have any female friends."

Edie: "I don't. And I've never felt threatened by another woman, either.

----

Martha (about Mary Alice): "Are you saying she stole the baby?"

Felicia: "Don't look shocked, Martha. It makes your face look fat. The biological mother was a drug addict. If Angela is your neighbor, which I doubt, then that child was very lucky."

----

Bree: "Honey, do your hands still tremble when they touch me?"

Rex: "Ha,ha. No. But come on, we've been married eighteen years."

Bree: "Yes we have. And you still don't know when I need you to lie."

----

Father Crowley: "Gabrielle, what brings you down here? (she looks concerned) Oh, sweet mother of God what have you done this time?"

----

Tom: "...It seems like you're not going to be happy until you drive me out of this marriage just to prove yourself right (Pause)...You know what, forget I said that."

Lynette: "It's too late."

Tom: "Well, then just consider it something husbands say to their wives."

Sunday in the Park with George

Carlos: "Where are you going?"

Gabrielle: "I feel a wave of morning sickness coming on, and I want to be standing on your mother's grave when it hits."

----

Carlos: "Before the accident I told her how much I wanted a child and she said that she would take care of it. I just thought that she would talk to you. Baby, I am so sorry."

Gabrielle: "That bitch! I can’t believe her."

Carlos: "I loved her, but even I had issues sometimes. I mean she could be very controlling."

Gabrielle: "Reaching out from the grave to screw with me. God, she’s good!"

----

Felicia: "I hid the originals in a safe place. It seemed like a reasonable precaution seeing as you murdered Martha and all. Would you like a cookie?"

(Paul Young refuses)

Felicia: "Suit yourself."

----

Edie: (to Bree) You could have an affair with anyone and you choose the pharmacist? You are such a Republican.

Goodbye For Now

Gabrielle: "You see, your health insurance sent us a letter because someone ordered a year's worth of birth control pills, and apparently our policy doesn’t cover drugs bought by the kilo."

Carlos: "I told you, it was mamá."

Gabrielle: "The prescription was dated, Carlos, and Juanita was in a coma when this claim was filed. You did this, not your mother. At least be man enough to own up to it. She would’ve been."

----

Carlos: "Why’d you hit the lawn boy?"

Gabrielle: "Well if you saw what he did to our begonias, you’d slap him too."

----

Susan: "Okay, next time I won't bring my daughter to stalk my boyfriend. It was a slight error in judgement."

----

Bree: (to George) "Are you having an erection?"

----

Bree: "Think of something unpleasant...like famine, or disease, or hobos!"

----

Susan: "You wasted your time... and your donuts."

Edie: "Not if you choke on them."

One Wonderful Day

John: (to Carlos) "Just so you know, you beat up the wrong guy. Didn't you think it was strange that your lawn was the only one that needed to be mowed three times a week?"

Next

Bree: "(calmly) I have some news. Rex died."

----

Betty: "(to Bree) We widows have to stick together."

----

Matthew: "I was just trying to cover up."

Betty: "I know you were but next time leave the cleverness to me."

----

Carlos: "I can't believe you had an affair."

Gabrielle: "Well you tampering with my birth control pills was a lot worse than that."

Carlos: "We're not very nice people are we?"

Gabrielle: "No."

Carlos: "When we got married I thought we were gonna be so happy."

Gabrielle: "Me too. But look on the bright side. At least we're still rich."

Carlos: "Thank God for that."

----

(Susan, Lynette, & Gabrielle are wondering why Bree is acting so calm about Rex's death)

Bree: "I can't afford to break down right now."

Gabrielle: "Why?"

(Rex's mother, Phyllis, comes around in a taxi sobbing)

Bree: "You're about to find out."

----

(Phyllis has been rude to Bree)

Bree: "You are no longer invited to the funeral."

Phyllis Van De Kamp: "What?!?"

Bree: "I will have security guards at the door of the church with sticks and they will be assigned to beat you with those sticks if you do so much as enter."

Reverend Sikes: "Bree, this is your grief talking."

Bree: "Reverend, if you don't back me up on this, I will take the funeral away from your church."

Reverend Sikes: "Bree!"

Bree: "I'm not kidding. I will get non-denominational so fast it will make your head spin."

----

Andrew: "Mom, Grandma's leaving."

Bree: "I know. She's been uninvited to the funeral."

Andrew: "Why?"

Bree: "If only you heard all the nasty things she said to me."

Andrew: "Look, I'm sure she was a real bitch, but she's family, so that's makes her our bitch. Let her say goodbye to Dad."

Danielle: "(crying) Mom, if you don't invite Grandma to the funeral I'll never forgive you!"

Andrew:(to Danielle) "Did I ask for your help? (back to Bree) I'm sure Dad would've wanted her there."

----

Bree: (to Rex's corpse) "You look magnificent."

You Could Drive A Person Crazy

Gabrielle: "Be careful, Carlos. Up until now, I've been really lonely in that big bed of ours, but when you're rude to me, it makes me wanna be not so lonely."

Carlos: "Comments like that are exactly why you'll never again have access to my money."

Gabrielle: "Why are all rich men jerks?"

Carlos: "Same reason all beautiful women are bitches."

(pause)

Carlos: "So, same time tomorrow?"

Gabrielle: "Sure, baby."

----

Susan: "What do you mean, you know?"

Julie: "I mean, I know."

Susan: "What are you saying, that your father actually told you he was gonna be having a one night stand with Edie Britt?"

Julie: "Uh, mom, this wasn't a one night stand. He's been going out with Mrs. Britt for a few months now."

Susan: "What?! How could you not tell me that? We share everything. That's what we're known for. That's our thing."

Julie: "Because I knew you'd wig out. Besides, haven't you always told me to respect people's privacy?"

Susan: "Oh, I've never applied that concept to your father's sex life, and you know it."

Julie: "Are you done?"

Susan: "No! I have not even begun ripping into Edie Britt yet. Oh, that peroxide vulture. As know as sure as I am standing here that she went after your father just to tick me off."

Julie: "Wrong again."

Susan: "What?"

Julie: "He asked her out."

Susan: "You lie."

Julie: "It's true. He called her for a date six months ago. The day after my birthday party."

Susan: "The one at the piano bar?"

Julie: "Yeah. What is it?"

Susan: "Oh, um... Your father just came over that day and told me some stuff. You know, some stuff that I haven't, and can't tell you."

Julie: "Wait, whatever happened to 'We share everything'? Isn't that our thing, what we're known for?"

Susan: "Um, actually, I think what we're known for is sharing clothes. Yeah, I think that's our thing."

----

Gabrielle: (heard from Carlos about a guy demanding money) "Honey, I think this is a mistake. If we give in to extortion, the guy's just gonna keep coming back for more money."

Carlos: "What choice do I have?"

Gabrielle: "You're a strong guy. You went to college on an athletic scholaship, for God's sakes."

Carlos: "Yeah. It was for golf!"

You'll Never Get Away From me

Susan: "I'm all for Julie spending time with Carl. He is still her dad, and she loves him."

Mike: "But..."

Susan: "But he's with Edie! I mean, she's not exactly the maternal type. I wouldn't be a good mother if I wasn't concerned. I mean, who knows what passes for a kid-friendly, good time in there? Drugs? Porn? Smoking?"

----

Bree: "My husband died of a heart attack. I loved him deeply. And your mother did a lousy job."

----

Gabrielle: "Say what you want, but John Rowland loved me like no one ever has. Not as a trophy or as a possession, but for me. He loved me."

(Carlos laughs at her)

Gabrielle: "No, he really did. Let me count the ways. Um, gently, savagely, frequently, upside down..."

----

Lynette: "And I'm sorry about your hair. I can see why you're upset."

----

Bree: "Would you two please stop looking at me like that?! Obviously, I did not kill your father. I loved him deeply."

----

Susan: "Well, what makes you so sure that I don't have a talent?"

Edie: "Hmm. Just a hunch."

Susan: "Yeah, well we've all seen your talent, which is a nice way of telling you, why don't you put some curtains on your bedroom window?"

Julie: "Guys!"

Edie: "Oh, come on. Be honest, you didn't want any part of this until you found out that I was involved."

Susan: "That is so not true!"

Edie: "Oh, yes it is. It burns you that your own daughter picked me over you."

Susan: "She did not pick you. It just didn't occur to her that I would agree to do it. Well, now she knows, and she had it to do over again, she'd pick me."

Edie: "No, she wouldn't."

Susan: "Well, why don't we put it to a test? Julie, who would you rather have play with you?"

Julie: "Oh, no, no, no, no."

Susan: "No, it's okay, honey. Who do you want to be with you in the 'family' talent show?"

Edie: "Yes, who do you want with you in front of all of those people? And remember, it's a church. They are going to be judging you."

Julie: "Ohh... okay. Well, first of all, you both suck, but if I had to choose... I guess I'd pick my mom. Sorry, Edie."

Edie: "Fair enough. I'd like my pitch pipe back, please."

----

Edie: "Oh, give me a break! This thing has, like, 90 flats in it."

My Heart Belongs To Daddy

Lynette: "And you don't find it odd that Parker's new made her appearance right at the time I went back to work?"

Tom: "Kids have imaginary friends. It's no big deal."

Lynette: "I'll agree with you to a point, when they're flying kangaroos or giant robots, not surrogate mommies."

Tom: "Hey. Parker is having a little trouble adjusting. That's all. Apparently, so are you. Honey, don't be so sensitive."

Lynette: "I hope you're right. At the risk of sounding too sensitive, how come she gets a bigger portion?"

----

Mike: "Uh, Susan?"

Susan: "Yeah?"

Mike: "Technically, we don't have to be casual anymore."

Susan: "I can be naked in 20 seconds. That includes travel time."

----

Gabrielle: "You and I need to get laid! (everyone in the visiting room looks at her, astonished) Oh, don't judge me. You're not here because you got caught helping the poor."

----

Bree: "I'll be serving dinner tomorrow night at 7. Please don't be late."

Andrew: "I'm sorry, but I already have plans."

Bree: "Andrew, don't you have a meet at the swim club?"

Andrew: "Yeah, so?"

Bree: "Doesn't it require a large entrance fee, one that you can't afford by yourself?"

Andrew: "Are you blackmailing me into coming to dinner?"

Bree: "Oh, you don't know the lengths I'd go to for even seating."

----

Tom: "Okay, listen. Don't worry about it. I'm sure Mrs. Mulberry's around here somewhere."

Lynette: "Or, uh, maybe she's not. She could've left. You know... Maybe she had some other little boy that she needed to help."

Parker: "Like who?"

Lynette: "I don't know, it could be a little boy in, uh... England... named Spencer?"

Tom: "Lynette?"

Lynette: "I mean, this is conjecture on my part. But it is possible that someone like little Spencer needs Mrs. Mulberry more, because he doesn't have a daddy and a mommy who love him. Yeah, that's it. He's a orphan. with no hands! Okay?" (Tom's face becoming dark)

----

Lynette: "(crying) Because of me, my son's imaginary friend got crushed by a garbage truck. I am the worst person in the world."

Tom: "Honey, he is going to get over this in no time. Trust me. And one day when he is all grown up, you and Parker are going to laugh hysterically about this."

Lynette: "You really think so? Really?"

Tom: "I promise."

They Asked Me Why I Believed In You

Carlos: "Is that the baby's head?"

Gabrielle: "No, that's his foot."

Carlos: "That looks like a head to me."

Gabrielle: "Well, that settles it. When this baby's born, I'll be in charge of putting on the socks."

----

Bree: "Well, I have some good news. The police have finally released Rex's body."

Gabrielle: "About time."

Susan: "You must be so relieved."

Bree: "You know, mostly I'm just annoyed that the whole thing happened in the first place. I mean, how in the world could anybody accuse me of murder?"

Edie: "Well, you are wound pretty tight. (everyone looks at her) What? The supermom is always first to snap. They've done studies."

Bree: "Anyway, I was... I was hoping that you are were free friday morning because that's when I'm going to be hosting the reburial."

Gabrielle: "The what?"

Bree: "Look, I know it's an imposition, but Danielle is away on a class trip, and Andrew is back at the Camp Hennessey for a little refresher course. Well, it's just gonna be a very brief and dignified ceremony and I was hoping that you could say a few words, and, um, I'm gonna read a poem."

Gabrielle: "We would love to come."

Susan: "Absolutely."

(Bree stands up and leaves her seat, and Susan looks at Edie rushing her answer)

Edie: "I'm busy. Sorry."

Susan: "Edie!"

Edie: "She's going to read a poem!"

(Susan kicks Edie under the table)

Edie: "Ouch!! Fine! Yes, yes, we'd all love to come."

----

Counselor: "This is your third group session, but you have yet to share anything. Come on, talk to us. How's your marriage?"

Gabrielle: "Shaky, at best."

Counselor: "And why is that?"

Gabrielle: "I don't know. I hired a brilliant lawyer to get my husband out of this hellhole, and he fired him for no reason at all."

Counselor: "Carlos?"

Carlos: "I just didn't like him."

Gabrielle: "Why not? He's experienced, he's intelligent, he's successful."

Carlos: "Exactly! I'd prefer an attorney you didn't find so damn appealing."

Gabrielle: "Oh, my god. You fired him because you're jealous?"

Carlos: "Don't I have the right to? You know, she cheated on me."

(Bob, who was also there having a group session, gasps)

Gabrielle: "Oh, Bob. You beat your wife. You are so not allowed to gasp."

Lisa: "Don't you talk that way to him!"

Gabrielle: "One more word out of you, Lisa, and I will backhand you myself."

Counselor: "Okay, calm down."

Carlos: "Thousands of fat, bald attorneys out there in the world, and she's gotta get the one that looks like an underwear model."

Gabrielle: "I'm not discussing this anymore. You can rot in here for all I care."

Counselor: "So, um... Mona, what do you feel are the biggest problems in your marriage?"

Gabrielle: (interrupting) "By the way, he was wearing a suit. How do you know he had a good body?!"

Carlos: "Do you know?"

Gabrielle: "No!"

Mona's Husband: "I bet he's hot."

(everyone stops what they were doing)

Mona: "Do I need to say what our biggest problem is, or can everybody figure it out for themselves?"

----

Bree: "My husband, the man I spent my life with for 18 years, died thinking that I murdered him."

Susan: "What?"

Bree: "Yes, the cardiologist shared this monoric theory with Rex. And Rex believed him!"

Gabrielle: "Are you sure?"

Bree: "Yes, because he left a note and it said, and I quote, 'Bree, I understand. And I forgive you.' I spent 18 years of my life with this man. How could he not know me?"

Edie: "Well, maybe he was forgiving you for something else?"

Bree: (exploding) "I HAVE DONE NOTHING TO BE FORGIVEN FOR! I was a fantastic wife! When he was sick, I nursed him. When we were low on money, I stayed within a budget. I cooked his meals. I mended his clothes. For the love of god, I used to check his back for acne. And that miserable son of a bitch has the nerve to understand and forgive me? Well, the joke's on him, because I do not understand, and I do not forgive."

I Wish I Could Forget You

Dr. Goldfine: "So the hives occured right after you kissed George."

Bree: "Yes. It was the strangest thing. And so inconvenient. To be honest, I think we were about to make love for the first time."

Dr. Goldfine: "Bree, have you considered the idea that your subconscious mind was trying to sabotage your evening with George?"

Bree: "Actually, I have not considered that, because that's... idiotic."

Dr. Goldfine: "You don't think that being with George made you feel a bit guilty?"

Bree: "Why should I feel guilty?"

Dr. Goldfine: "Perhaps you felt you were about to commit adultery."

Bree: "Dr. Goldfine, Rex is dead. You can't cheat on a corpse."

Dr. Goldfine: "Maybe that's not how you really feel deep down."

Bree: "Oh, so you think I'm crazy?"

Dr. Goldfine: "You say you got a case of hives for no reason. I think there is a reason, and it's probably a psychosomatic one."

Bree: "You can think whatever you want, but to be honest, I don't believe in the subconscious."

Dr. Goldfine: "Every time you've said 'Rex' in this session, you stroked the place where your wedding ring used to be. Why did you do that?"

----

David: "What the hell is this? I thought I told you to dress maternal."

Gabrielle: "Yes, you did, and I considered it for about a second."

David: "What happened?"

Gabrielle: "David, I know you're the lawyer and all, but if you ask me, it's never a smart strategy to cover this up."

David: "We've got 40 minutes before the pre-trial hearing. Let's go home and get you changed."

Gabrielle: "What?!"

David: "You want to get your husband out of jail? Got to dress like a pregnant, suffering wife, not the cover of Vogue."

----

David: "You're not willing to get a divorce but you're willing to have an affair?"

Gabrielle: "I said I was Catholic, not a fanatic."

----

Edie: "Well, someone may as well say it. Susan, what the hell have you been smoking?"

Listen to the Rain on the Roof

Mary Alice (voiceover): Every storm brings with it hope that somehow by morning everything will be made clean again, and even the most troubling stains would have disappeared like the doubts over his innocents, or the consequence of his mistake, like the scars of his betrayal or the memory of his kiss. So we wait for the storm to pass, hoping for the best even though we know in our hearts some stains are so indelible nothing can wash them away.

Bang

Tom: "I never thought you'd want a fifth kid."

Lynette: "I don't, but I didn't want the first four, and they're starting to grow on me."

----

Edie: "Let him work it off. You get a free store stocker for a month."

Austin: "A month?! It was a $10 whiskey!"

Edie: "Exactly. You weren't even smart enough to steal the good stuff."

----

Nora (dying): "I don't have later, you stupid bitch."

----

Lynette (In her dream, seeing Mary Alice at the last time): "Let me save you."

Mary Alice: "You can't."

Lynette: "Why not?"

Mary Alice: "Sweety, we can't prevent what we can't predict."

Lynette: "Isn't there anything I could do?"

Mary Alice: "Yes. You can enjoy this beautiful day. We get so few of them."

Not While I'm Around

Carlos: "Okay, so if this guy shows up again, what am I supposed to do, exactly? "

Gabrielle: "Nothing. Just having you here helps."

Carlos: "Now that's very sweet."

Gabrielle: "Because when he breaks in and starts hacking you up with his machete, your screams will wake me up, and then I'll be able to escape."

----

Austin: "That's your advice?"

Edie: "Well, I’m sorry. I've never been good at getting people not to have sex."

----

Edie: "The responsible thing is to abstain from sex and focus on your studies. There, I said it out loud just in case anybody asks."

----

Gabrielle: "Wait, wait, wait. First rule of ransacking: remember where everything goes."

[Takes three pictures with her camera phone.]

Susan: "You are gonna make a really good mother someday."

----

(Susan and Gabrielle search for Julie's diary)

Susan: "Oh, and when you find it, you have to read it, because I promised her that I would always respect her privacy. Now help me flip this mattress."

----

Susan (to Edie, about Julie): "Now she's lying and scheming and having casual sex. She's just a boob job away from being you!"

I Remember That

Lynette: "I told you I wanted this floor to sparkle like your Mom's. Now does this floor look Bree Hodge clean to you?"

Andrew: "Uh... no. It looks Andrew Van de Kamp clean. But your disappointment in me is very Bree Hodge."

The Little Things You Do Together

Lynette: "Hey, chill out. You're acting like I did when I was six months pregnant."

Tom: "Uh, excuse me. You were hitting people."

Lynette: "Only two. And the mailman had the good taste never to bring that up again."

----

Lynette: "What do you mean, it's bar mitzvah season? There's no such thing."

My Husband, the Pig

Karen McCluskey: "At least your husband tries to be romantic. Every anniversary, Gilbert bought me an appliance. On the last one, he gave me a vacuum cleaner. He died two weeks later. I didn't cry."

Dress Big

Lynette: "Listen to me. I forbid you to die. If you leave me with a mortgage and a restaurant and five kids, I swear I will track you into the deepest pit of hell and make you pay."

----

Edie (to Carlos, undressing): "Just stop seeing the person that I've been and start seeing the person I could be. Look at me, not the Edie that I show the world. In fact - let's lose her. Forget the blouse that she wears because she knows it shows off her cleavage. And the skirt that's so short, because she knows that guys love long legs. And the heels, the ones that make her legs look even longer. Forget the bra that holds her breasts a little higher than they are on their own these days. And the panties, the ones that hide the scar from my c-section. This is it. Hi, Carlos. I'm Edie. I might not be the woman that you thought I was under all of that but I'm real, and I'm here. And I'm asking for a chance."

----

Mary Alice (voiceover): "Yes, you can learn a lot about women, from what they choose to wear. You can learn even more by what they choose to take off, and who they take it off for."

Liaisons

Lynette: "That's what we pay you and you seem happy enough."

Andrew: "That's because I'm doing the beer delivery guy."

Lynette: "Ok...My fault for asking."

----

Tom: "Surely you can control five little kids."

Karen McCluskey: "Can I beat them?"

Tom: "No."

Karen McCluskey: "Then my hands are tied."

----

Edie: "You think you were bored? I've had more thrills leaning up against my dryer."

Carlos: "Then what was all that moaning?"

Edie: "I was in pain! You were smashing my breasts!"

Carlos: "Oh, come on!"

Edie: "You hunkered down on top of me like you were hiding from the border patrol."

Carlos: "I was tired. You just laid there while I did all the work. When we were done, I felt like I should deflate you."

Edie: "Well, sex is like tennis. When you play an inferior opponent, your game suffers."

Carlos: "Are you challenging me to a rematch?"

God, That's Good

Edie: "I suppose we should tiptoe around like schoolchildren so our parents don't catch us doing it? I feel like I'm 12 again!"

----

Gabrielle: "I made you waffles! Eat 'em while they're hot."

Victor: "Will you marry me?"

Gabrielle: "They're just toaster waffles."

----

Russell: "Well, I see you can't close a sale without opening something else."

Edie: "Oh, please, I heard about your open house on Holly Drive. They're still disinfecting the jacuzzi."

----

Susan (to Ian and Mike): "You two want a decision? Well, here's what I decide: There will be no kissing, and there will be no wedding, and there will be no damn cake!"

Now I Know, Don't Be Scared

Bree: "Not on the couch! I just had it reupholstered"

Orson: "Andrew take your sister into the kitchen. Get some towels, boil some water. Everything is gonna be fine! I'm a doctor."

Bree: "You're a dentist! What if there are complications?"

Orson: "Should an emergency arise we'll simply call an amulet."

Bree: "A what?"

Orson: "Ambulance."

Bree: "How many rum punches did you have?"

Orson: "There was punch in that rum?"

Something's Coming

Gabrielle: "Can I say something?"

Edie: "What?"

Gabrielle: "I'm sorry Carlos and I lied to you. I know we hurt you. And I wish it didn't happen the way it did. And I just wanted you to know that."

Edie: "Why are you talking like that?"

Gabrielle: "Well, I thought just in case we..."

Edie: "Oh, no you don't! You just shut the hell up. I'm not doing death bed confessions here. When we get through this, I'm gonna go on hating you for years to come."

Gabrielle: "Do you really hate me?"

Edie: "Yes!" (then realizes what has happened) "No. It's just that I really let myself fall for him, which was stupid because I always knew that he'd go back to you."

Gabrielle: "Well, I'm still sorry, though."

Edie (calmly and gently): "I said shut the hell up."

----

Carlos: "Do you mind if I say something?"

Victor: "Please."

Carlos: "Gaby and I never planned to get back together, Victor. We tried to keep away from each other. We really did. And...I don't know, it's like we're two halves of the same person or something. And when we're apart, we...we just aren't happy, which is why we... We never set out to hurt you, Victor. And I'm sorry we did."

Victor: "Are you done?"

Carlos: "Yeah."

Welcome to Kanagawa

Milton: "You're not getting a dime. Victor showed me the photographs of you and your ex-husband. You broke his heart. You humiliated him. So you'll inherit exactly what you deserve: nothing."

Gabrielle: "OK. I made a mistake. I'm sorry. But Victor wasn't entirely blameless. He ignored me. He used me politically. Oh, yeah, and he tried to kill Carlos. So I think I'm entitled to whatever he had."

Milton: "Ah, there's the thing. You married a man from a very rich family, the operative word being family. Everything is in my name. Always was. The service is starting. And it's time for you to go."

Gabrielle: "Go? You can't kick me out of my husband's funeral!"

Milton: "I think it's appropriate, given the circumstances."

Gabrielle: "Go to hell."

Milton: "I'll be delivering the eulogy. If you're still in this funeral when I reach the public, I am going to be telling all of these people that you are a cheating, lying whore. You see? I told you it was going to be an emotional day."

Opening Doors

[Drunken Orson is waiting for Bree.]

Bree: "Orson what are you doing here?"

Orson: "Bree, it's good to see you. I have been doing some thinking"

Bree: "Yes, I can smell the thinking on your breath. Are you insane, driving in this condition?"

Orson: "No, I didn't. I arrived sober and drank while I waited. I am a law-abiding man."

Bree: "Except for occasional hit-and-run."

----

Edie (Appears in her car and sees Orson hugging Bree): "Hey, I'm glad you two are patching things up but take the make-up sex inside."

Bree: "Edie, would you do me a favour and take Orson back to his apartment? I have to let my sitter go home."

Edie: "All right." (Then she says to Orson) "Hop In."

Orson: "No, no, please don't make me go back there. The other divorced men are trying to start a book club!"

Edie: "Oh, for God's sakes. You can sleep it off on my couch tonight. Now hitch your skirt and get in."

Orson: "Yeah."

----

Gabrielle: "Here's the thing. I thought you were a hooker, so I had Lee proposition you so I could catch you in the act. But guess what? You passed the test! Everybody inside for margaritas!"