Designing Women
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Designing Women
A lot of things have happened to me. A lot of things have happened to all of us. Sandy Smothers was killed the night before we graduated. Diane Mitchell's got two sets of twins, and Gayland Chadwick's working in the White House. We had a lot of dreams together, and there's no point in pretending... some of mine came true, and... some didn't.
I met a little boy from Africa tonight whose family died of starvation, and I realized that I spent the whole day at home worrying about the fact that I had too much to eat. I'm not sure the old Suzanne would have appreciated the absurdity of that, but this one does.
Some of you men wanted to know about my bra size, but I'd rather talk about my heart because... it's a little bigger than it used to be. The old Suzanne wouldn't have forgiven you for the things that you said, but this one will... because when I look around this room tonight, I don't see receding hairlines and the beginnings of pot-bellies and crow's feet... I just see all the beautiful faces of old girlfriends and sweet young boys who used to stand on my front porch and try to kiss me goodnight. And you can remember me any way you'd like, but that's how I'll always remember you.
And so I thank you for giving me this award for the Person-Most-Changed, however you intended it. I'm gonna treasure it because... #1.... I love trophies... and #2... I earned it. Thank you.
Baby Bernice enters and runs off with the pint size car... .
Well, I'm glad that came out, yes I am. You know how badly we need the van, and that's fine, because I like to deal honestly and fairly. Now. . . we're a group of nuns and we need the van to transport blind orphans. . . .
(to Allison about Mary Jo) I swear, every time we get together she makes me laugh.
(Anthony walks in... )
Mary Jo: Well what is it all about?
Bernice: Listen sister, I'm not telling. If you want to know, you go pay $17.50 for a bad Mai Tai, and then we'll talk. Dear me — what is that awful smell? Has somebody been spraying for bugs?
Mary Jo: No, that's some of Carlene's home-made potpourri, we all won some as a door prize.
Bernice: Well, you need to take that and get the hell outta here...it stinks!!
(Electricity crackles and lights go off.)
Quotations
Pilot [1.01]
- [Suzanne returns from a gynecological consultation with Mary Jo's ex-husband with the news that they are now dating.]
- Suzanne: Julia, I didn't pick him... it just happened.
- Julia: And it will happen again. Suzanne, if sex were fast food there'd be an arch over your bed.
The Beauty Contest [1.02]
- [After Suzanne overhears a cruel comment about her, Julia defends her sister.]
- Download .mp3 of this classic rant! http://www.chrisfreeland.com/2006/02/night-lights-went-out-in-georgia.html
- Julia: Excuse me, aren't you Marjorie Leigh Winnick, the current Miss Georgia World?
- Marjorie: Why, yes I am.
- Julia: I'm Julia Sugarbaker, Suzanne Sugarbaker's sister. I couldn't help over hearing part of your conversation.
- Marjorie: Well, I'm sorry. I didn't know anyone was here.
- Julia: Yes, and I gather from your comments there are a couple of other things you don't know, Marjorie. For example, you probably didn't know that Suzanne was the only contestant in Georgia pageant history to sweep every category except congeniality, and that is not something the women in my family aspire to anyway. Or that when she walked down the runway in her swimsuit, five contestants quit on the spot. Or that when she emerged from the isolation booth to answer the question, "What would you do to prevent war?" she spoke so eloquently of patriotism, battlefields and diamond tiaras, grown men wept. And you probably didn't know, Marjorie, that Suzanne was not just any Miss Georgia, she was the Miss Georgia. She didn't twirl just a baton, that baton was on fire. And when she threw that baton into the air, it flew higher, further, faster than any baton has ever flown before, hitting a transformer and showering the darkened arena with sparks! And when it finally did come down, Marjorie, my sister caught that baton, and 12,000 people jumped to their feet for sixteen and one-half minutes of uninterrupted thunderous ovation, as flames illuminated her tear-stained face! And that, Marjorie — just so you will know — and your children will someday know ---is the night the lights went out in Georgia!
A Big Affair [1.03]
- [Charlene sees that the man that her blind date is very overweight.]
- Mason Dodd: I can tell by the look on your face Suzanne forgot to mention my height.
- Charlene: What's wrong with your height?
- Mason: It's too low for my width.
Mary Jo's First Date [1.05]
- [As Mary Jo nervously prepares for her first date since her divorce...]
- Julia: Here is a quarter for the payphone, Mary Jo. Mother always used to give Suzanne and me a dime to call home in case somebody got too fresh. I don't think Suzanne ever used hers. She eventually used the money to go to Europe.
Perky's Visit [1.07]
- Suzanne: You can't spend the rest of your life crying just because Mason is moving.
- Charlene: Well, I just don't understand why he had to tell me this right at Thanksgiving! (sob)
- Suzanne: Call him up and have him pay for a ticket to fly you to Tokyo.
- Charlene: Oh, Suzanne! I couldn't accept a plane ticket just because he feels guilty about moving away. I wouldn't have any integrity.
- Suzanne: Y'know sometimes I think about stuff like that... then I just try and put it right out of my mind.
- [Mary Jo and Julia enter in a huff and arguing.]
- Julia: Look, Mary Jo, all that I'm saying is that I'm not gonna pay one red cent on that ticket, and if I have to I'll take it all the way to the Supreme Court!
- Charlene: What happened?
- Mary Jo: (very dramatically) We're on the way to the bank to make that deposit, right? But the car breaks down, so while they're working on it, Julia decides that we should walk to the bank and make our "drive-thru" deposit on foot... because the inside of the bank doesn't open until 10.
- Charlene: Sounds reasonable to me.
- Julia: Thank you, Charlene!
- Mary Jo: So there we are standing in the drive-thru, and when we "pull up"--- so to speak — to the glass window, the guy refuses to accept our deposit because we're not inside a vehicle.
- Charlene: That's ridiculous.
- Mary Jo: So Julia commandeers the back seat of the woman behind us and starts yelling for this woman to drive us through the drive-thru! and then the bank manager makes Julia get out of the woman's car, and then the police come. Need I say more?
- Charlene: Well, Julia. If you're not gonna pay the ticket, what's your defense gonna be?
- Julia: My defense is... that when I attempted to use that drive-thru window, I was indeed inside a vehicle; the vessel in which I have chosen to go through life — my body!
- Suzanne: Oh Julia, don't be ridiculous. No judge is gonna believe that! If you'd gotten to choose... you would have selected a much newer model.
- Charlene: At our house it was kind of a zoo with eleven kids at Thanksgiving.
- Suzanne: What was that like having a hillbilly Thanksgiving? Did you have Turkey?
- Charlene: (sarcastically) No. Possum! Daddy killed it, Mama stuffed it, then at the table we'd all have a big food fight, then afterward wittle sticks and sit on the front porch pickin' our teeth!
- Suzanne: Ok ok.....I was just asking.
- Charlene: Well you're always just asking! I curse the day I ever told you we had an outhouse.
- [Perky, Suzanne and Julia's mother, comforts a very defeated Suzanne, who attempted, but failed to make Thanksgiving dinner.]
- Perky: Oh, my darling. You should have come to me for advice, I could have told you cooking was not for you, you were born for much bigger things.
- Suzanne: Like what?
- Perky: Like... when I used to take you to the park when you were about two years old, everybody used to come up and say "oh what a beautiful little girl... whatever will she be". And I used to stand very tall and say "Why the center of attention, o'course!"
- [The police officer is confused when everyone starts pointing out Anthony — who is just waking]
- Bernice: I can explain. I'm not sure, but I think this man (Anthony) has been holding us hostage.
- Perky: Bernice, that's not true!
- Bernice: Oh... okay.
- Julia: Oh, Anthony. We just feel terrible. I wish you'd take some more of that turkey for your dog.
- Anthony: I don't want anymore of that turkey. I like my dog.
- Mary Jo: Anthony, we are so sorry.
- Charlene: We promise we'll make it up to you.
- Anthony: Don't worry about it. It's been a fine afternoon. Happy Thanksgiving. Thanks again for turning me in for murder.
The IT Men [1.09]
- Julia: Well, maybe you'd feel less ashamed if you changed outfits.
- Charlene: C'mon, Julia, don't be so stuffy. For some people this is conservative.
- Julia: Yes, well... maybe Tina Turner while lying in state.
- [The ladies debate over what makes a man attractive.]
- Suzanne: Myself, I prefer the older established type.
- Mary Jo: You mean rich.... and terminally ill?
Old Spouses Never Die [1.12]
Julia goes to see Charlene's doctor.- Julia: Dr. Mitchell, I'm Julia Sugarbaker. May I come in?
- Dr. Mitchell: Yes, but I hope this won't take long. I'm on the staff of three hospitals, and I still have rounds.
- Julia: Oh, I understand how very very busy you are, and I'll be brief. I've come because I'm a very close friend of Charlene Frazier's.
- Dr. Mitchell: Charlene Frazier is no longer my patient, so I can't see....
- Julia: Actually I'm not here only for Charlene's behalf, but on behalf of all your patients.
- Dr. Mitchell: I don't understand.
- Julia: What I'd like to know is, how many more women are you gonna kill before you retire?!
- Dr. Mitchell: I beg your pardon?!
- Julia: You see, I've done a little checking on you, Dr. Mitchell, and I've discovered that Charlene is not the first woman you've told to wait and see. You said the same thing to another close friend of mine, only at that time I didn't know that you were her physician. Well she trusted you. She waited four months before her breasts had become so misshapen she had to come back, but by then it was too late.
- Dr. Mitchell: Mrs. Sugarbaker, I don't think I would care to discuss with you medical judgments which you know nothing about.
- Julia: Medical jargon doesn't impress me. I was brought up in a medical family, and my grandfather always said 80% was common sense. There's nothing mysterious about having a lump in your breast. It's simple, when you find one you have it x-rayed or biopsied. I know that. Most physicians know that. What I don't understand is, why don't you know that?
- Dr. Mitchell: (arrogantly) Perhaps I'm of the old school.
- Julia: (furiously) That's not "old school"! That's gross incompetence!!!
- Dr. Mitchell: Well, it's obvious to me that you are an emotional, overwrought woman.
- Julia: Not emotional, Doctor, I'm just plain mad. Which is why I'm filing charges against you with the state medical bureau and the AMA.
- Dr. Mitchell: Well, if you want to make a fool of yourself, be my guest, but I can assure you you're in no way qualified to make these judgments. I think this meeting is over.
- Julia: I think so too, but as for qualified, neither are you. You don't depend on medicine. Your weapon is intimidation. You're a seemingly kind, benevolent authority figure who tells women to let you do their worrying for them. Well there's just one thing wrong with that, Dr. Mitchell; you don't have to do their dying!
Monette [1.13]
- [As the ladies wait for Charlene's friend in her foyer, a gentleman comes in circling Julia.]
- Gentleman: I was just wondering... If I was to ask for you specifically, would I get you?
- Julia: I have no idea what you're talking about, but somehow I feel absolutely safe in saying the answer is no.
And Justice For Paul [1.14]
- Suzanne: Julia, why do you always have to look a gift horse in the mouth?
- Julia: Because, if you look one in the rear, they usually kick you.
Nashville Bound [1.16]
- Mary Jo: She's like those women you read about in the "National Enquirer," you know the ones who don't know they're pregnant. One day they're just sitting around, sippin' on a soda or something. And all of a sudden they look down and say, "My stars, would you look at that. I just had a baby." That's Charlene.
Oh, Suzannah [1.17]
- Charlene: Y'know, I don't know why more people can't raise their kids the way Andy Taylor did. I mean, Opie had to work for everything he got. Y'know when he did make a mistake or he wanted to do something stupid, Andy never just came right out and said no. Y'know like the time Opie wanted to move out when he was eleven to get his own place... Andy helped him save his little allowance — which if I remember right at the time was 50 cents a week — and Andy put it in the bank. So instead of having a big fight about it, y'know, Opie is all the time thinking that someday he's gonna own this house, y'know — even though Andy knew full well what the property values were in Mayberry, and that at the rate of 50 cents a week you'd be 82 before you could even afford the inside of an outhouse.
- [(pausing to think)]
- Y'know when you get right down to it, Andy tricked Opie. wish I hadn't started this — now I'm upset!
- [The quote from the pillow given to Suzanne by her grandmother:]
- Dear Little One,
- I wish two things;
- To give you roots.
- To give you wings.
- [Julia confronts, and then comforts, a very tearful Suzanne who doesn't want to give up Li Sing.]
- Suzanne: Well I sure made a mess of things this time, didn't I?
- Julia: Not yet. In a few more hours they'll be talking kidnapping.
- Suzanne: I wish I'd never met her. She thinks I'm wonderful. She even loves my cooking.
- Julia: You don't cook.
- Suzanne: Well, I know that, but she doesn't! Li Sing's the first person who's ever loved me just for me.
- Julia: She's not the first. She's the third.
- Suzanne: What? you mean my ex-husbands?
- Julia: No, silly. Mother and me. We love you just for you.
- Suzanne: Yeah, but you don't think I can do anything.
- Julia: That's not true. I just said I didn't think you were cut out to be a mother.
- Suzanne: You mean unlike the four billion other women on Earth? Thanks a lot.
- Julia: But you do something nobody else can do.
- Suzanne: What?
- Julia: I don't know what it is.....exactly.....that you do. I just know nobody else is doing it, or can do it, like you do. You giving away your pillow?
- Suzanne: Yeah. I wanted Li Sing to have it.
- Julia: I think Grandma would like that. I remember when she made these for us. Roots and Wings. We sure got our share didn't we? Suzanne, I'm going to say something pretty harsh, but I'm saying it because I love you. Just once in your life, don't put yourself first.
- Suzanne: I'm not, Julia. I'm thinking of Li Sing.
- Julia: No, you're not. You're not thinking at all. You know, in your heart, that she's better off with this couple. If you love her, like you say you do, give her wings.
- Suzanne: I just didn't expect to fall in love with her. I know, you're right. I know. Ok, I'll do it.
- [Julia takes Suzanne's hand and starts to cry herself.]
- Julia: I'm so happy for you.
- Suzanne: Why?
- Julia: Because, now. . . you know what it feels like to be a mother.
Bachelor Suite [1.21]
- Suzanne: At Mardel Richardson's wedding — you know Mardel has a little weight problem, and she unfortunately chose a full white gown with a veil. Anyway, just as she's getting ready to go down the aisle, Julia leans over to me and says, "Look, Suzanne, it's not a bride, it's a bride float."
- Julia: Oh, I did not. You're terrible.
- Suzanne: You did so. And then when the attendants started down the aisle, she said, "If they had any style at all, they'd ride her in."
- Julia: I keep a list of people who touch my behind without permission. Some of them have died unnatural and untimely deaths.
101 Ways to Decorate a Gas Station [2.01]
- Charlene: What'd they say?
- Julia: Who?
- Charlene: The adolescent cretins.
- Julia: It doesn't matter what they said. They said what they always say.
- Charlene: Well I know, but just out of curiosity, what was it?
- Julia: All right, Charlene. If you must know, they said, "Say, Mama, sure would like to be your Daddy. Mmm Mmm got to have me some of that."
Anthony, Jr. [2.03]
- [Charlene tries to comfort Suzanne as she struggles to do good works after being miraculously spared when her car is totaled.]
- Charlene: If God had intended you to do good works, you probably wouldn't have been born so shallow.
Killing All the Right People [2.04]
- Bernice: I don't think this safe sex is what it's cracked up to be. My husband and I weren't that happy and we always had safe sex. I mean we had it in bed... and I was usually asleep. I don't think you can get any safer than that.
- [Forced to speak in front of the PTA, Mary Jo ask Julia to show her how to get fired up. As a result, everyone tries to think of something that makes them mad in order to help get Mary Jo going.]
- Suzanne: Oh, oh!! I've got one... this just makes me furious!! Y'know... when men... use Women's Liberation as an excuse not to kill bugs for you... oh, I just hate that!!! I don't care what anybody says, I think the man should have to kill the bug!!
- Julia: I don't think I can add anything to that...
- [An old "friend"/client of Julia's overhears their plans to decorate an AIDS funeral room.]
- imogene Salinger: Is this the boy whose funeral you're planning?
- Julia: Where did you hear that?
- Imogene: I heard the rumors, but I didn't actually believe it was true! Now I don't like to hurt anyone's feelings, but if these boys hadn't been doing what they were doing, they wouldn't be getting what's coming to them now.
- Mary Jo: Imogene, gays aren't the only ones getting it.
- Imogene: No, but they're the ones who started it.
- Kendall Dobbs: Actually nobody knows how it got started. Gays are just one of the first groups it showed up in.
- Imogene: Yes, and for a good reason... you reap what you sow. You boys brought this on yourselves. As far as I'm concerned this disease has one thing going for it... it's killing all the right people!
- Julia: Imogene, I'm terribly sorry. I'm gonna have to ask you to move your car.
- Imogene: Why?
- Julia: (pulling her towards the door) Because you're leaving. The only thing worse than all these people who never had any morals before AIDS are all you holier-than-thou types who think you're exempt from getting it.
- Imogene: Well, for your information, I am exempt. I haven't lived like these people, and I don't care what you say, Julia Sugarbaker, I believe this is God's punishment for what they've done.
- Suzanne: Oh yeah? Then how come lesbians get it less?
- Imogene: That is not for me to say... I just know that these people are getting what they deserve!
- Julia: Imogene, get serious! Who do you think you're talking to? I've known you for 27 years, and all I can say is... if God was giving out sexually transmitted diseases to people as a punishment for sinning, that you would be at the free clinic all the time! ... and so would the rest of us!
- Bernice: I think she makes a good point.
- Imogene: Oh, who cares what you think?! (she points at her head) You're not even all there!
- Bernice: (shocked) Well, as long as we're on the subject, (pointing at her chest) neither are you!
- Imogene: (totally furious) Well, you needn't look forward to any more of my business in this lifetime!
- Julia: Wonderful! I'll close up your account! And another thing, my son has an A in chemistry! In fact, he's making all As! In everything — including P.E!
Dash Goff, the Writer [2.06]
- Dash Goff: And when an affair was over, she left a man dazed, and wobbly, and squinty-eyed like some wrung-out old gas station dog — all spindly legs and dry heaves, sometimes trying to stand in the shadow of his former self, but mostly just staring disinterested into the hot delta sun. This is what is known in the South as being Belled.
Heart Attacks [2.07]
- [Suzanne tries to comfort a worried and distraught Julia after Reese's heart attack.]
- Julia: I want to be with Reese.
- Suzanne: I know, but you can't. He wouldn't even know you were there.
- Julia: But I would. I can't stand to think about him dying with strangers. That's the way it happened with Hayden. (sobbing) They wouldn't let me be with him, and he was calling for me!
- Suzanne: Julia, listen to me. I know how you feel about that. That's why I told the doctor that if at any time it looks like Reese isn't gonna make it, they're to come out here and get you.
- Julia: You did?
- Charlene and Mary Jo: You did?
- Suzanne: Yes, I did. And you know what? They haven't come for you, have they?
- Julia: No, they haven't.
- Suzanne: See, that's a good sign.
- Julia: Yes, it is. Thank you for doing that. (crying and hugging Suzanne)
- Suzanne: We're just gonna sit down here together, and you rest your head on my shoulder okay?
- Charlene: (to Mary Jo) It's amazing, isn't it? Most of the time she goes around without the sense God gave a goose. Look at her. I mean, one crisis, and she's Scarlett O'Hara.
Cruising [2.08]
- Mary Jo: A couple of hoods got after Julia.
- Suzanne: Hoods love Julia. It's that little sashay in her walk.
- Charlene: Well, what'd they say?
- Julia: Does it matter? They said the same asinine things they always say.
- Charlene: I know, but just out of curiosity what was it?
- Julia: Charlene, we always go through this. Why do you have to know?
- Charlene: I don't know. It's a sickness.
- Julia: All right, Charlene. If you must know, they said, "Hey Sweet Meat. What it is. Mmm - mmm, strut it out. Bring it on home to me now." Okay?
- [The firm gets a job redecorating a cruise ship.]
- Suzanne: Well, you can count me out. I'm not going on any singles cruise. And I'm certainly not interested in putting up with a bunch of dorky men in bad toupees and polyester suits.
- [The ladies are forced to sleep in bunk beds in a tacky room after dealing with an assortment of oddball singles.]
- Mary Jo: Why are you so quiet down there, Julia?
- Julia: I'm just trying to say my prayers.
- Charlene: What were you praying for?
- Julia: If you must know, I was praying, number one, that you all would let me go to sleep. Number two, that I'm not seated next to Club Mel at breakfast. And number three, I was thanking God that I did not grow up with a mother who wore a leopard skin headband, white see-through t-shirt and glued rhinestones to her fingernails.
- Julia: Mary Jo, what on Earth is the matter now?
- Mary Jo: It's this stupid dress of Suzanne's. This is so typical. It's just like her to hang this by my bed so it won't get wrinkled in the closet. As if I'm so little it won't bother me. She does this kind of thing to me all the time.
- Julia: Why don't you just take it down?
- Mary Jo: Actually, this fascinates me. These bra cups are huge. It's kinda like this is the corral where Suzanne keeps her bosom, and I'm the hired hand who guards 'em while she takes 'em out on a midnight ride.
- [Mary Jo and Suzanne compete for the best looking guy on board.]
- Mary Jo: You're just gloating 'cause you know you're in pinky ring city.
- Suzanne: I've never known anyone like Trevor. I mean, do you all know anything about him?
- Julia: No. Only that his name is stupid.
- [Trevor makes a pass at Mary Jo while Suzanne is not around.]
- Mary Jo: Excuse me, but I don't like to have the back of my neck kissed before breakfast. Especially by somebody who is too dumb to appreciate a woman like Suzanne Sugarbaker. Just who do you think that you're talking about? This is no two-bit singles cruise barnacle. This is the Rolls Royce of females who happens to have more beauty titles than you have teeth. And let me tell you something else, I consider it an honor just to guard her brassiere and I am not even a man.
I'll Be Seeing You [2.09]
- Suzanne: Well, all I have to say is, the next time Olivia May gets sick, you all can just invite somebody else to play cards. I don't like this game. I like simple games. You know, like the kind you play when you're little.
- Julia: Suzanne, we've been all over that. Charlene doesn't have a picture of a donkey.
- [Charlene thinks that Colonel Bill Stillfield is at Sugarbaker's as a present from the girls.]
- Charlene: Happy Birthday to Me!
Stranded [2.10]
- [Charlene, Julia, and Mary Jo head to Design Expo but end up stuck in their hotel room together with the flu.]
- Charlene: I haven't felt this bad since I was in high school and I developed this temporary allergy to domestic meat. My poor parents had to mail order hippopotamus steaks. I'm not kidding, y'know. Until they finally figured out I could have stuff like squirrel and rabbit and 'coon, y'know. Sometimes they even fed me 'coon for breakfast...
- [After being trapped in the hotel room all night:]
- Julia: I think this illness has affected your brain. Or, I've just never before noticed the extent of your unequalled ability to be fascinated at absolutely nothing.
- Charlene: Y'know, Julia, I used to think that if I were a man I'd be interested in you, but not anymore!!
I'll Be Home For Christmas [2.12]
- Mary Jo: Charlene? You're awful quiet. What're you thinking about?
- Charlene: Oh, I was thinking this is the first Christmas ever I haven't gone home. Then I was thinking how many men there are in my family named Virgil. I mean, I don't think we've ever gotten together on a holiday where there weren't at least two or three Virgils — sometimes even a baby named Virgil. What were you thinking?
- Mary Jo: Same thing.
- [Suzanne enters with a pig on a leash. The pig is wearing a puffy pink "shirt" and a silver bow on its head... .. Everyone just gawks...]
- Suzanne: Hi. What's going on?
- Julia: Suzanne... ...where did you get that pig?
- Suzanne: What pig? Oh, you mean this pig. Well, y'see... Consuela's entire family has just arrived from San Salvador for the holidays... and uh... this is their gift to me. Y'know, they're very big in meat packing. Well, anyway... I tried to board her with a private kennel — they won't take her, and I'm sure not about to have her slaughtered. By the way, do you all have any idea how difficult it is to find a 26-inch rhinestone collar?
- Julia: I cannot believe that you are walking around with this big pig on a leash.
- Suzanne: Why not? It just fits my mood. This is the worst Christmas I ever had. All my vacation plans fell through, and I haven't heard a thing from any of my ex-husbands — not even a Christmas card.
- Mary Jo: Well, what about Hugh? Aren't you still dating him?
- Suzanne: No, not anymore. He's in intensive care again. He's always in intensive care and I'm just sick of it.
- Julia: Suzanne, after all, he is 80 years old.
- Suzanne: Oh, he's just a big hypochondriac. Anyway, I was sitting there last night feeling sorry for myself, y'know, and Noel came over and nudged me with her little snout. She is ugly isn't she? (giggling) I am genuinely fond of this pig. I guess you could say she was there for me when I was lonely and needed a friend.
- Julia: As your sister I have to tell you one thing.
- Suzanne: What's that?
- Julia: :leaning in We're not taking that pig shopping.
- Mary Jo: I'm just a little upset because Quint doesn't believe in Santa Claus anymore. As a matter of fact he says he's gonna prove it once and for all — he's been up in his room working on all these traps.
- Charlene: How come he doesn't think there is one?
- Mary Jo: He says reindeers couldn't have the staying power, y'know, to go all the way around the world in one night. He wanted to know if Santa had some kinda deal with Federal Express.
- Julia: Boy, he's awful young to be so cynical.
- Anthony: Hey, that's not so young. I was only three when I quit believing.
- Charlene: Oh, somebody told you?
- Anthony: Yeah. My Uncle Willie. There wasn't enough money for presents, so he just came to me and told me that Santa Claus had been stabbed.
- Charlene: Oh my gosh!!
- Anthony: Yeah, Uncle Willie didn't have a lot of couth. Anyway, I was pretty upset. The next year I wrote a letter to the elves. All I asked for was a baseball glove because, y'know, I figured they had there hands full with Santa gone and everything. But I guess Uncle Willie couldn't get it together that year either, because Christmas Eve he came into my room and told me that the elves had been killed in a sledding accident.
- Julia: We've been acting a little childish about things that didn't measure up to Christmas's past. Have we forgotten how lucky we are to have had those Christmas's in the first place?
- Charlene: You're right. No matter how old I get, nothing's ever gonna measure up to my entire family sitting in front of a fire on Christmas Eve singing Silent Night. Daddy reading from the Bible — Harold Thomas sitting on his lap — me on one side, Mama on the other. Y'know, I've just gotta be grateful I had that. Nothing is ever gonna be greater than that... except maybe heaven. Anthony... you're crying.
- Anthony: I know. I thought you were gonna tell another one of those stories about your daddy needing a bank loan, and it got to me before I realized you were on another track.
- Julia: I know I'm especially grateful to have my son here on Christmas Day — whose eyes I can look into and still see his father. And I'm grateful to Charlene for making that possible... and to Suzanne, for turning down a vacation in Switzerland just to hear me play the piano. And I'm grateful that I have a friend like Mary Jo who cries because her little boy doesn't believe in Santa Claus. And I'm also grateful that I know someone like Anthony, who is such a good sport about breaking a leg!
- Charlene: Julia, you're starting to sound like the piano lady at the Holiday Inn Tap Room.
- Julia: I know! It's Christmas... and I can't help myself!
- Suzanne: "Now play The First Noel for my pig."
How Great Thou Art [2.20]
- [After much soul-searching, Charlene pays a visit to her minister, Reverend Nunn.]
- Charlene: For the past nine years I've come to you with whatever problems, worries or grief I've had in my life, and I really appreciate the way you've looked after me. But, I don't think I can do that anymore.
- Reverend Nunn: Charlene, you don't mean that.
- Charlene: I've been up all night, and I just can't figure out how I can belong to a church that doesn't think I am fit to preach God's word.
- Reverend Nunn: You want to be a minister?
- Charlene: Well, I've never told anyone this before, but as a matter of fact I did. When I was about six or seven, I got my first Bible. It had my name embossed in gold across the front. My parents gave it to me the night I was baptised. I'll never forget it came with this beautiful cardboard bookmark that had Jesus with a pink halo painted on it. I don't know — there was something about the way the light shown in that picture — I couldn't take my eyes off of it. I thought, "Boy, that's for me." I was gonna travel the world preaching and teaching — maybe even become a saint.
- Reverend Nunn: What happened?
- Charlene: I don't know. I guess I figured I couldn't make saint. Anyway, my point is, I had that dream because no one told me I couldn't. But what about all those other little girls out there, hundreds of them, just waiting to become ministers and spend their lives preaching God's word — except for the fact that you and a bunch of other people got together and decided that God doesn't want that. That just doesn't make any sense, Reverend Nunn. I mean, for what possible reason would God not want that?
- Reverend Nunn: That's not for us to say, Charlene. I don't think we should question his wisdom.
- Charlene: I'm not. I'm questioning yours. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for everything you've done for me. I'll never forget you.
- Reverend Nunn: Charlene, I wish you'd give this some more thought. Let me put you in touch with another minister. Maybe he can counsel you.
- Charlene: No. Thanks anyway. I'll be talking to someone, but I think I'll keep this one just between me and God. Don't look so surprised, after all, we have his number too.
- [Charlene drops back by Sugarbaker's to pick up her purse and finds Julia still there.]
- Charlene: Aren't you supposed to be at the church?
- Julia: I'm not going.
- Charlene: Why?
- Julia: I just can't do it, that's all. I know you're disappointed in me. I'm disappointed in myself.
- Charlene: Why don't you think you can do it? Are you still afraid you can't hit that high note?
- Julia: That, among other things.
- Charlene: What other things?
- Julia: Oh, I don't know — laryngitis, forgetting the words, getting my choir robe trapped up in my pantyhose — you name it, I've thought of it.
- Charlene: (sad and teary) I just resigned from my church.
- Julia: Oh, Charlene. I'm so sorry.
- Charlene: Yeah, me too.
- Julia: Is there anything I can do?
- Charlene: Yes, as a matter of fact there is. My minister, Reverend Nunn, is gonna be at the closing ceremony tonight, and for some reason I need to be proud of women tonight. I wanna hear you hit that high note.
- Julia: No, Charlene. No, I can't.
- Charlene: Yes you can. Julia, I know you can. Now what I just did took more courage than I ever thought I had, and it would be impossible for me to have more courage than you.
- Julia: What makes you so sure?
- Charlene: Well... 'cause you're my hero.
- Julia:touched... heroine.
- Charlene: Even better.
- Julia: Charlene, that's a nice idea, but just because you have faith in me doesn't mean I'll be able to do it.
- Charlene: Well, who said anything about having faith in you? I'm just asking you to have the guts to step up to the microphone and open your mouth. I think I can get him to supply the notes.
- Julia: Exactly how sure are you?
- Charlene: Just a feeling. Oh please, Julia. Do it for me. Do it for all us girls.
- Julia: You mean you, Mary Jo and Suzanne?
- Charlene: I mean all us girls... everywhere.
Reservations for Eight [2.22]
- [Reese sees the excessive amount of bags going into the car.]
- Reese: What are all these little bags for?
- Suzanne: Oh, those are my cosmetics.
- Reese: My word.... nobody's that ugly.
- Julia: Reese Watson, you gotten so full of yourself up here, we're gonna have to rent a flat-bed truck to get you home!
Reservations for 12, Plus Ursula [3.01]
- Suzanne: I think you're one of these people who are too much.
- Ursula: Too much?
- Suzanne: Yes. Julia and Charlene and Mary Jo would never tell you so, they're too nice. But I can tell you because... I'm too much too.
- Ursula: I'm sorry, I just don't know what you mean.
- Suzanne: I mean your smile is too big, your heart is too big, and quite frankly — your breasts are too big.
- Ursula: What are you saying?
- Suzanne: I'm saying I want you to take your big knockers and hit the road.
The Candidate [3.02]
- Mary Jo:(to Julia) When you kick somebody's teeth in, we like to feel like we're a part of it.
- [The ladies gather around Mary Jo's television to watch Julia's one-minute speech on the news against Commissioner Brickett.]
- Suzanne: I know someone who's not going to think Julia's too wonderful.
- Charlene: Who?
- Suzanne: Wilson Pickett.
- Charlene: Wilson Pickett?
- Suzanne: You know, that black guy with the bow tie. Where have you been, Charlene? I mean that's what we're doing here.
- Charlene: Suzanne, his name is not Wilson Pickett, it's Wilson Brickett. Wilson Pickett's a black singer.
- Suzanne: Okay, so I was close.
- Charlene: How do you figure you were close, because they're both black? You might as well have said Don King.
- Suzanne: Who's Don King?
- Charlene: Who's Don King?! You don't know who he is either?
- Suzanne: Oh yeah, I know who he is. He's that guy who sings "Tiny Bubbles."
- Charlene: "Tiny Bubbles"?! Suzanne, Don King does not sing "Tiny Bubbles," that's Don Ho! (to Julia) She just does this to drive me insane. It's like we're the Smothers brothers, and she's Tommy and I'm Dick.
- Mary Jo:(walks in with a tray) What is the matter?
- Suzanne: Oh, I don't know, Mary Jo, it's just Charlene. She's in here raving about "Tiny Bubbles" and calling herself Dick.
- [Julia and Commissioner Brickett square off on television, while Anthony and the ladies sit on the sidelines, worried that "Terminator" Julia won't be able to hold her temper....as it begins, and it turns out, she is getting impatient already!]
- Caller: I'm a member of the National Rifle Association, and I support Commissioner Brickett's stand on every American's inalienable right to bear arms. And I'm not any red-necked deer hunter. I'm a professional man who's simply interested in protecting his family.
- Brickett: Amen.
- Newscaster: Mrs. Sugarbaker?
- Julia: Facts are: number 1: a seven day waiting period does not prohibit anyone from obtaining a gun, unless he or she happens to have a criminal record.
- Brickett: Mrs. Sugarbaker, you're a smart gal and a pretty one too. When you go out at night alone, I bet you carry some kind of little handgun in your purse. How would you feel if you were robbed and raped during that seven day period while you waited for approval for that handgun?
- Julia: Well, Commissioner, I'd probably feel as badly as you would feel if you were molested and shot by someone who'd just gotten out of prison and bought a gun on that very same day.
- Caller: My children attend school here in Atlanta, and I do not appreciate Commissioner Brickett's lack of support for our extra curricular fine arts programs like dance and ballet.
- Brickett: Listen. When the petticoat sports can attract a gate that pays for itself like basketball and football, then I'll get excited. Anyway, I think we should spend less time worrying about the screwball curriculums and get back to the basic three R's.
- Julia: Screwball curriculums?! Petticoat sports?! I bet you think Refrigerator Perry is a better athlete than Mikhail Baryshnikov! I mean, I don't know what kind of an ignoramus...
- Anthony: (clears his throat)... ahem!!
- Julia: (immediately turning to the camera and smiling) I strongly support a more expanded program of liberal arts in the public schools and would do my best to encourage funding.
- Brickett: And all I can say is Amen to this wonderful caller, because I too would like to hear the Pledge of Allegiance recited in our classrooms again. By the way, you may be interested to know that flag sales in this country are at an all-time high.
- Julia: I think the Pledge of Allegiance is wonderful, and so is the flag. You know, it's not an official American document. It was taken from a children's magazine.
- Newscaster: Yes, but should reciting it be mandatory?
- Julia: No, it should be a privilege.
- [As the debate continues, Julia's impatience begins to show, and she shows signs that she is about to blow!]
- Caller: ... and I just don't think I could vote for someone like Mrs. Sugarbaker who is so obviously against school prayer.
- Julia: Let me say once again, that I am not against prayer.
- Brickett: These people are never against prayer, per say. They're what I call 14% Christian. They go to church one day and week and spend the next six trying to keep morals and decent values out of our schools and government ---- the very two institutions who should be instilling these things into our young people to begin with. Well, I say there's a reason we call it "One nation under God, indivisible" ... maybe Mrs. Sugarbaker has just forgotten what that phrase was all about.
- Julia: (irritated) No, Mr. Brickett. I have not forgotten. I was just thinking that you seem to have forgotten the phrase "Separation of church and state", but the one thing I did forget was just how divisive, dishonest, and distasteful someone like you can be. I've sat here today and listened to you pander to these people, but you don't actually care about them, or you wouldn't be sitting here reinforcing their ignorance and prejudices.
- Brickett: You heard that, Caller. She just called you ignorant and prejudiced!
- Julia: (angrily) I do not think everyone in America is ignorant! Far from it!! But we are today, probably, the most uneducated, under read, and illiterate nation in the western hemisphere. Which makes it all the more puzzling to me why the biggest question on your small mind is whether or not little Johnny is gonna recite the Pledge of Allegiance every morning! I'll tell you something else, Mr. Brickett. I have had it up to here with you and your phony issues and your Yanky Doodle yakking! If you like reciting the Pledge of Allegiance everyday then I think you should do it! In the car! In the shower! Wherever the mood strikes you! But don't try to tell me when or where I have to say or do or salute anything, because I am an American too, and that is what being an American is all about! And another thing... I am sick and tired of being made to feel that if I am not a member of a little family with 2.4 children who goes just to Jerry Falwell's church and puts their hands over their hearts every morning that I am unreligious, unpatriotic, and un-American!! Because I've got news for you, Mr. Brickett... all liberals are not kooks, anymore than all conservatives are fascists!! and the last time I checked, God was neither a Democrat nor a Republican! And just for your information, yes I am a liberal, but I am also a Christian. And I get down on my knees and pray everyday ---- on my own turf — on my own time. One of the things that I pray for, Mr. Brickett, is that people with power will get good sense, and that people with good sense will get power... and that the rest of us will be blessed with the patience and the strength to survive the people like you in the meantime!!
E.P. Phone Home [3.03]
- Julia: Mary Jo, I have never seen one person eat so much in all my life. I mean, the inside of this car looks like we're on some kind of a pig tour.
- Mary Jo: Can you believe it? I mean, who would have thought — homemade food in a gas station? I mean, is that just in the South or what? I mean, now you can go in get your tires checked, buy some birth control in the bathroom and have a little turkey and dressing on the way out.
- [Asked their names by a reporter making fun of the Elvis fans:]
- Suzanne: My name is Helen Van Patterson-Patton.
- Julia: And I'm her sister, Debbie.
- Suzanne: Well, the room's not going to be ready for another half hour. And Charlene, you can just forget about that tour. Now I am telling you all, I cannot take anymore of this. I'm tired, I'm dirty, I've got that beef jerky she gave me stuck in my teeth. Now, I'm just going to march right into that bathroom in the coffee shop and brush my teeth and take a sponge bath in the sink and then I'm going to blow dry myself on the wall dryer... ... or maybe not.
"Big Haas & Little Falsie" [3.05]
- [The ladies discuss breast size, making reference to Suzanne.]
- Julia: Suzanne's had those as long as I can remember. She was born with them. Mother and Daddy and I used to sit around and just stare at them. It's just the spin of the ole' genetic wheel. I think I've been amply compensated.
- Charlene: What's that mean?
- Mary Jo: It means Suzanne got the boobs, and she (pointing to Julia) got the brains.
- Suzanne: I don't think I like the turn this conversation has taken.
- Mary Jo: Oh, c'mon... big boobs/tiny brains... it's a story as old as the hills — I didn't write it.
- Charlene: Mary Jo!!! I cannot believe you would even repeat that!!
- Mary Jo: Oh, I'm just kidding. It's just the Littlest Angel's way of kind of evening the score.
- Suzanne: What's this "Littlest Angel" stuff anyway?
- Mary Jo: It's the name of a training bra, Suzanne. I'm sure you wouldn't know anything about that.
- Suzanne: A training bra... you little people have to train yours, and you call us dumb.....
- Mary Jo:(about her larger fake breasts) These things are power!
- Julia: I hate to brag, but I've turned a few heads in my time.
- Mary Jo: Well ya didn't do it with those(gestures toward Julia's chest).
Hard Hats and Lovers [3.06]
- Charlene: Julia, what did he say to you?
- Julia: Charlene, why do you always want to know these things?
- Charlene: Oh I'm just curious. Come on, we all told.
- Julia: All right Charlene, if you must know he said, "Mmm-mmm. Lookin' good. I want it. I need it. Got to-got to-have it-now."
- [Charlene tells Suzanne how Bill never had any women in his life except her and his childhood sweetheart. She responds:]
- Suzanne: My third husband, J. Benton Stonecipher never dated anyone but me. Of course in my case he never wondered if anyone could possibly be any better because of course that would be absurd. But now for me it was just no fun... I mean... I like to hear about how other women fall short.
- [Suzanne tries to get a date for Charlene to make Bill jealous.]
- Suzanne: Hello Randy? Suzanne Sugarbaker. Listen, Randy.....Good news.... I found ya a date. Yes I know everyone's tried to help. I bet ya had given up. Well anyway I have somebody. I'll call you later tonight with details. Oh Randy, what movie star are you going as? Mickey Rooney..... uh-huh, very good choice.
- Julia: Suzanne and I once had a mutual friend named Robert. He was having marital difficulties. Suzanne became his coach. After a few months he became....Roberta.
But They're Really Great Curtains [3.07]
- Anthony: Excuse me, ladies. I know it's none of my business, but there are two little old vietnamese ladies laying in your driveway.
- Suzanne: Oh, they been there all morning. Y'know, they look frail, but when I pulled my Mercedes in at 30 miles an hour, they hopped up right quick.
- Julia: I myself have been distinctly pro-labor all my life . . . except for a brief period this morning when a cabbage hit my windshield.
The Wilderness Experience [3.08]
- Suzanne: Well, did you all hear what she said about that flushing? I mean they don't even have port-a-potties. Now I'm serious you all, I think we should just rethink this.
- Wilderness Leader Connie: Five minutes, busses are rolling.
- Julia: Suzanne!! Bernice has put out twelve hundred, non-refundable dollars. We have all just sat through a four-hour lecture. Now I don't want to go any more than you do, but I'm telling you, I have rolled my sleeping bag, I have backed my pack and I have filled my canteen.
- Suzanne: So what are you saying?
- Julia: I'm saying, "Get on the bus, Gus."
- [Anthony gets caught helping the ladies and pretends to be a woman camper.]
- Connie: What's this camper's name?
- Anthony:(in a high-pitched voice) Cindy.
- Connie: Cindy what?
- Anthony: Cindy Birdsong.
- Connie: Birdsong — I don't remember that name.(to other leader) Check your list.
- Anthony: I was late. I got on the bus at the last minute.
- Connie: Who let you on?
- Anthony: I don't know. Some white girl.
- Connie: Where's your application?
- Anthony: I turned it in.
- Connie: To who?
- Anthony: Some white girl.
Tyrone [3.09]
- [Suzanne enters, obviously distraught.]
- Suzanne:[(whimpers)]
- Julia: Something wrong, Suzanne?
- Suzanne: Yes, something is wrong. I'm driving down the street this morning, the sun is shining, I'm young, I'm beautiful. I look in the rearview mirror and what do I see? There is a hair growing out of my chin. I mean, have you ever in all your life? I simply could not believe my eyes. Here I am, hardly 30 years old, and there's this hair sticking out right here. It's unbelievable. Obviously, I'm being punished for some heinous sin, like telling Kyle Westheimer's parents that he is, in fact, a bisexual. But all I know is, whatever it is, I did not merit this.
- Mary Jo: You told some guy's parents that he's a bisexual?
- Suzanne: That's right. I always tell the parents. And I'm not sorry either. I don't believe in bisexuals. I figure the rest of us have to choose, so why shouldn't they?
- Suzanne:(leaning her chin in toward Julia) Julia, do you see anything else there?
- Julia: No, Suzanne, I don't.
- Suzanne: Good. Cause if I get another one, I'm just gonna have to get a gun and shoot myself through the head.
- Mary Jo: Why don't you shoot yourself in the chin? Maybe that way you'll hit the root.
- Suzanne: I'm glad you all find this so amusing.
- Charlene: Oh c'mon, Suzanne. Don't you think you're being just a little bit shallow?
- Suzanne: No, I do not Charlene. I don't think it is shallow not to want to go through life wearing a goatee.
- [Anthony is going over spelling words with Tyone.]
- Anthony: Cantaloupe.
- Suzanne: C-A-N-T-A-L-O-U-P-E
- Anthony: That's very good, Suzanne.
- Suzanne:(beaming) I eat it all the time.
- [Julia accompanies Anthony to juvenile hall to give Tyrone some tough love after his "little brother" gets arrested]
- Anthony: I want to know what you're gonna do to compensate Julia and all the others to whom you've brought pain and sorrow.
- Tyrone: I guess I don't know yet.
- Anthony: Well, you're gonna have plenty of time to think about it. This is your third offense, and they're gonna throw the book at you this time.
- Tyrone: I know. I don't even know why I did it.
- Anthony: You just wanted to screw up because that's what everybody expects of you. Well I'm gonna surprise you, Tyrone. I'm gonna wait around here for you to get out. I'm gonna come to visit you every week. I'm gonna check on you. I'm gonna hound you like a dog. And when you do get out of here, I'm gonna expect to see something a whole lot better than what I'm looking at now.
- Tyrone: You are?
- Anthony: Oh, you're damn right.
- Tyrone: I can't believe you came. My own sister didn't even come.
- Anthony: So what, Tyrone. You think that you're the only kid in the world whose family doesn't care about him? Well let me tell you something. I grew up in a neighborhood where people put cigarettes out on your head. I never met my father, and my mother was an addict who left me behind when I was two weeks old — I didn't see her again 'til I was nine. Then she wrote and said she was coming. One day she showed up at school after I had told everybody how beautiful my mama was and how she was coming just to see me. You know what she did, Tyrone? She got out of her car. She walked across the playground and picked up some other kid and hugged him and starting crying and calling him by my name. She did that right in front of everybody. I was her son and she didn't even know me. So you see... I've been where you are right now. And if it hadn't been for that one person, my grandmama, loving me and kicking my butt everyday I'd still be there.
- Tyrone: I'm sorry I let you down.
- Anthony: I'm gonna be here every week. You can count on that Tyrone.
- GUARD: I'm sorry, but your time is up.
- Anthony: One more thing, man. You know that birthday wish that you asked me about? I wished you were my son.
- Tyrone: I love you. :[hugs Anthony]
- Anthony: I love you too, man.
- [The guard escorts Tyrone out. Julia comes up to Anthony]
- Julia: Anthony, I want you to know that I've never been prouder of anyone in my life.....than I am of you at this moment. :she hugs him Let's go home.
The Naked Truth [3.11]
- [Suzanne is forced to drag the luggage in for her spoiled niece, Jennifer — who is just like her.]
- Suzanne: Well, I'll go out to the car and get the rest later.
- Jennifer: Thanks, Aunt Suzanne... You know I'm sorry I can't help, but this pinched nerve is just giving me fits.
- Suzanne: Oh, that's alright. I usually have a pinched nerve myself, I just forgot to mention it before you did.
- [Anthony returns from measuring for carpet at a nudist colony.]
- Anthony: Let me tell y'all. If you thought it was tough going standing up, you should try it at knee level — talk about trying to keep your eyes on one place. By the way, they want you to replace those burlap bar stools — it seems a couple of people got rope burn.
- [Anthony prepares to take Julia and Suzanne's nieces — who are just like them — to the airport.]
- Jennifer: Anthony, do you suppose we could stop at a drug store on the way? I need to get some blush-on with some little sparkly stuff in it.
- Camilla: We are NOT stopping. If you want red cheeks, why don't I just slap them for you?
The Junies [3.12]
- Julia: They've got a hold of Charlene and they're not letting go. This is not a business organization, it's some kind of cult. Some kind of perky cult. Let's face it. Charlene's been kidnapped by the Junies.
- Suzanne: No offense, Julia, but if this Libby person is as bad as you say, you are way out of your league. I know these kind of women. They'll kiss you and call you honey and slop sugar all over you while all the time they're just thinking about themselves. I mean, that terminator stuff doesn't work with them. You gotta fight sugar with sugar. They'll find that's a job for professionals.
- Mary Jo: We've been here 15 minutes and they've given out about 50 awards — I've got a spooky feeling I might win one.
- Julia: No, Suzanne, we do not think that is silly. The idea of a nice college homecoming queen ceremony, where you yourself would be rooting for a 30 year old black man, seems not only logical, but very dignified.
One Sees, the Other Doesn't [3.13]
- [Suzanne says she doesn't want to date a blind man.]
- Charlene: We're talkin' about a millionaire who spends his weekends with under-privileged kids. I mean, we're talkin' about a Phi Beta Kappa from Vanderbilt who still knows why Hee-Haw is funny. I mean, men like that are just not walking the streets.
- Suzanne: Well, that's good. Because men like that would be bumping into each other.
Odell [3.14]
- Suzanne: Oh, it was just one of Charlene's brothers again. What's his name there? Odell. He's probably just wanting to catch her up on the hillbilly news, like they got 'em a new scarecrow or something like that.
- Julia: You know, Suzanne, I don't like that word "hillbilly." Just because Charlene comes from a big family and they live on a farm, doesn't mean they sit around like Mammy and Pappy Yokum, smokin' corn cob pipes and drinkin' moonshine.
- Suzanne: Well, I'm sorry Julia, but I don't think it's in good taste to have that many children. Unless of course, you're Mormon.
- Julia: What does that have to do with it?
- Suzanne: I don't know, they just seem to handle it better. They form those singin' groups, stuff like that.
- Suzanne: Oh, for Pete's sake. Every time you two get a little cranky, you start going on these man bashing jags, you know? "Men are the cause of all trouble in the world. Men invented high heels and cheap panty hose." I bet you next thing you know, you'll be accusing them of that whatchamacallit, that PMS envy.
- Mary Jo: PMS envy? I swear, somebody from the Geraldo Rivera show ought to follow you around with a tape recorder.
- [Discussing Charlene's little brother:]
- Suzanne: Let me get this straight. He's never had a girlfriend, he knits sweaters and he works at the beauty shop?
- Charlene: Well, he goes to Three Rivers Junior College, too. What are you gettin' at?
- Suzanne: Well, I don't mean to get personal Charlene, but has it ever occurred to you that maybe Odell is involved in some homosexual activity?
- Charlene: Suzanne! I mean, just because a person is sensitive and artistic doesn't mean he's gay. Not that that would matter to me anyway.
- Julia: Well I think he sounds like an interesting and talented young man.
- Suzanne: I think he sounds like a woman.
- Mary Jo: Bear in mind that this comes from the lips of a woman who thought there was a patron saint for homosexuals named, "Saint Francis of a Sissy."
Full Moon [3.15]
- [After Julia returns from a fashion show where her dress got caught up in her pantyhose:]
- Julia: I can't believe that all my life, I've tried to create some semblance of grace and style. Now I'm going to be remembered as that woman...
- Suzanne: ... who mooned Atlanta.
- [Charlene and Mary Jo relate an embarrassing story to try to cheer Julia up.]
- Charlene: Suzanne, don't you have a most humiliating story to tell?
- Suzanne: Yes, I do. My most humiliating moment... was when Julia mooned 1200 people.
Ms. Meal Ticket [3.16]
- Suzanne: Women are always getting a bad rap for wanting men to make money. But there is an absolute, bona-fide scientific reason for it. Haven't you all heard of Darwin?
- Julia: You mean Darwin Sanders who used to take care of our yard?
- Suzanne: No, silly, Charles Darwin. Don't you read?
- Julia: Yes, Suzanne. Yes, I do. But you don't, so I thought — well — go on.
The Engagement [3.17]
- [Charlene shows up for work with big news — so excited that she can barely speak.]
- Julia: Good morning, Charlene. Mary Jo says you have some news for us.
- [Charlene screams with elation under her breath.]
- Julia: Must be good news!
- Suzanne: Charlene, if this is something stupid like Pam Ewing's coming back to Dallas, I don't want to hear it.
- Charlene: I'm getting married!!
- Julia: You're getting married?!!
- Mary Jo: I didn't tell them! It just about killed me, but I didn't.
- Julia: When did this happen?
- Charlene: Friday night. I told Mary Jo already, but I couldn't get ahold of you, and I wanted to tell you all in one big swoop....I'm getting married!!
- Julia: I'm so happy for you!
- [Meanwhile, Suzanne has been inspecting Charlene's engagement ring with her jewelers loupe.]
- Suzanne: Oh, nice job, Charlene! Now....who're you marrying?
- Charlene:annoyed Bill!!
- Mary Jo: Suzanne....
- Suzanne: Well, I thought so, but y'know it never hurts to ask.
- [Mary Jo drags Julia to a keg party for moral support as she breaks off with her younger boyfriend, Kenny. As Julia returns from the powder room she runs into Kenny.]
- Kenny: Mrs. Sugarbaker! How 'bout you and I going out sometime? I bet I could pick up a thing or two from you.
- Julia: Well, I doubt that, Kenny. But I might be able to offer you one piece of wisdom.
- Kenny: Oh yeah? What's that?
- Julia: I believe that you will find as years go by, and you get older and wiser, traversing life's little ups and downs, that underwear probably really doesn't make all that good of a hat.(turning to Mary Jo and speaking loudly to be heard over the music) The powder room isn't really functional now. The keg is in the bathtub and it seems the tap is slow. This is a source of some concern for all the young men in there because they are trying to fill Craig's funnel. Craig, it seems, drinks his beer out of a funnel.
- [Charlene tracks Julia down by phone for advice on handling her fiance's snooty family, who thinks she has no class . . . Julia continues in her loud voice in order to hear herself.]
- Charlene: Where the heck are you?
- Julia: If you must know, Charlene, I'm at a keg party.
- Charlene: Julia! I can't imagine you at a keg party! I mean . . . y'know, you have so much class.
- Julia: That's just the point, Charlene. If you have class, you have it. It doesn't matter where you are or who you're with . . . and I have to go now because Craig is getting ready to drink out of the funnel.
- [Charlene has a heart-to-heart with Bill's mother.]
- Charlene: I love your son with all my heart, and I'll do anything to make him happy. But as much as I want to fit into his family, I'm just as proud of the one I come from.
The Women of Atlanta [3.19]
- Anthony: Suzanne, if you want one of my cookies, why don't you just ask?
- Suzanne: Why should I do that for? I've been getting as many as I want without asking.
- Julia: Don't try to reason with her, Anthony. Suzanne does not understand the concept of fairness. She only understands punishment and reward. If you don't want her to eat anymore of your cookies, I suggest you put a little mousetrap in there. Let it snap on her hand once, I guarantee she'll get the point.
- Suzanne: Well all I'm saying is this better not turn out to be any kind of cheesecake, cause I just don't do cheesecake. I eat it, but I don't do it.
- [A sleazy photographer, DeWitt Chiles, goes one step too far when he asks Julia to pose for a photo shoot while sucking pearls.]
- Julia:THAT'S IT!!!!
- CHILES: What? What are you saying?
- Julia: I'm saying I want you and your equipment out of here now. If you are looking for somebody to suck pearls, then I suggest you try finding yourself an oyster. Because I am not a woman who does that, as a matter of fact, I don't know any woman who does that, because it's stupid. And it doesn't have any more to do with decorating than having cleavage and looking sexy has to do with working in a bank. These are not pictures about the women of Atlanta. These are about just the same thing they're always about. And it doesn't matter whether the clothes are on or off... it's just the same ol' message. And I don't care how many pictures you've taken of movie stars — when you start snapping photos of serious, successful businessmen like Donald Trump and Lee Iacocca in unzipped jumpsuits with wet lips, straddling chairs, then we'll talk.
Stand and Fight [3.20]
- Anthony: What would you do if somebody was coming after you?
- Charlene: Scream for help.
- Anthony: Uh, uh. You can't depend on anybody helping you.
- Charlene: Then I'd run away.
- Anthony: You can't always get away.
- Charlene: Well, then, I'd kill them with a rolled up magazine. I saw this thing on TV where spies learn how to kill somebody with a rolled up magazine.
- [Suzanne wants to practice her self-defense course lessons:]
- Charlene: Suzanne, why are you so interested in this course now? I mean, you didn't even want to go the first time. Now every time I see you it's, "Charlene threaten me, Charlene come at me with a knife, Charlene mug me at the Ready Teller."
- Suzanne: Okay, Julia, come on. Come at me with a knife. I dare you.
- Julia: Suzanne, I appreciate your enthusiasm for our anti-mugging course, and I must admit that occasionally this week I have enjoyed choking you, but this is a place of business.
- Julia: You know, I think that women are just about ready to say, if you come up to us with a gun or a knife, you better be prepared to use it right then and there, because we are not going anywhere with you. And we are not going to be dug up, raped and mutilated months later on some rural road. We are going to be prepared to stand and fight with dignity in the parking lots and the shopping centers and the driveways of America. But buddy, you better be prepared to do the same, because even at the very least, one of us is going to be walking funny.
- Mary Jo: You know what gets me even more is that twisted ankle business. That is so annoying.
- Suzanne: What twisted ankle business?
- Mary Jo: Oh, you know how they always show some young blonde thing in high heels with her bosom popping out of the dress, you know, running away from some monster or killer or something, and she's doing pretty good, she's making pretty good time until *snap* she twists that ankle. And then she just lies there til the monster polishes her off. I mean, I guess that's what you get for having big breasts and running around on three inch stilts.
- Suzanne: Well what do you want her to do, Mary Jo? Stand up and beat the tar out of Frankenstein?
- Mary Jo: I want a movie where a woman with a gun knows how to use it, and doesn't let some man wrench it out of her wimpy little wrist. I want a movie where the hero is Charlene, not Charles Bronson.
- [Mary Jo finds herself being followed through a parking garage.]
- Mary Jo: NO!!! Back off, buddy. Lay a finger on me and I'll kick you so hard your whole family will feel it. 9 - 1 - 1 !!!
The Last Humorously-Dressed Bellboy in America [3.21]
- Suzanne: I just cannot believe I got this stupid traffic ticket.
- Anthony: What'd you get a ticket for?
- Suzanne: Driving in a reckless manner by having all the mirrors on my vehicle turned towards myself.
- Suzanne: It's been my experience, Julia, that no matter where you go...there you are.
- [Suzanne finds her ex-accountant, Reggie Mac Dawson, who absconded with her life savings and is now singing and playing piano in a hotel.]
- Reggie Mac: I've gotta go to Mr. Fladbeau's office and ask if I can take my break now.
- Julia: Can't you just take it?
- Reggie Mac: Well, I only get one a week.
- Suzanne: Don't worry about Mr. Fladbeau, I'll take care of that. You're not leaving this room.
- [(Suzanne grags the microphone on the piano)]
- Suzanne: Mr. Fladbeau! This is Suzanne Sugarbaker! Reggie Mac is taking his break now, thank you!!
Julia Drives Over the First Amendment [3.22]
- Suzanne: A little crying, a little begging, it touches me and I never let it go unrewarded.
- [Anthony is on caffeine pills to cram in all his studies.]
- Suzanne: Well, I'm sorry, but I went all the way through college myself and never once did I have to use stimulants. I managed to keep up with my courses and a very active social life. And let me tell you, those were 6 ½ of the best years of my life.
- Mary Jo: Oh, Anthony. I'm sure glad I'm not in your shoes. When I used to take exams I used to get soooo nervous the night before. I would have the most incredible dreams . . . y'know. Like that I would show up in the classroom just as everyone was finishing their test, and the professor would say "You're two hours late . . . sorry" — or — I would have this dream where — y'know-- I get there on time and everything, but I'd look at the test and I wouldn't know any of the answers. I mean I had studied completely the wrong thing . . . and then I would look down and I had forgotten to dress — I was completely naked!! Here, have some juice.
- Anthony: That does it. I'm not taking any more of these pills. Working with her is stimulating enough.
- Julia: I think that I am a member of the majority of the American public who knows this kind of filthy enterprise exists, but doesn't care to have it pushed in my own face, on my own street, thank you very much.
- [Suzanne and Charlene meet with the female editor of a men's magazine.]
- Publisher: Actually, I'm a feminist, and I and my magazine make large contributions to feminist charities.
- Suzanne: Yeah, well I donate to the ASPCA, but that doesn't make me a cat!
- Charlene: Good one!
The Proxy Pig and Great Pretenders [4.01]
- [An injured Anthony is trapped at Suzanne's and calls Julia begging for help.]
- Anthony: I heard her talking to her facialist on the phone. And tonight, if you don't do something, they gonnaexfoliate me!
One Night With You [4.02]
- Suzanne: Well, I don't care what anyone says about the New South, it's just like that time we went to Memphis. I mean, anytime you put one black man and three well-heeled white women together, it's just gonna look strange and that's all there is to it.
- [Julia agrees to spend the evening with a terminally ill man who has a crush on her.]
- Suzanne: Julia, this is your sister. Anthony and Charlene and Mary Jo and I are right outside. We're tired, we're stuffed, our feet hurt, we want to go home. Now if you're in there being either bored to death or held prisoner by this nerd maniac. Then I suggest you turn on all the lights right now. Otherwise we're just gonna be on our way and assume that you are a cheap little one night tart available to every Tom, Dick and Harry with a head cold. Okay now, we're watching the window, we'll be waiting for your signal. Good-bye.
There She Is [4.03]
- [Anthony is running errands for the ladies to help them prepare for Charlene's baby shower.]
- Charlene: I'm sorry you can't stay for the shower, it's just one of those all girl times.
- Anthony: Believe me, Charlene, I understand perfectly. It's absolutely alright. I go to all-boy parties sometimes, and we have those little tiny sandwiches with the crusts cut off, and then we play word games where the prize is a biscuit cutter, so I've had my fill.
- [At the Baby Shower for Charlene, Suzanne had been whimpering all during the ceremony, until...]
- Suzanne: They can have that crown when they tear it from my cold dead scalp!!!! Oh!
- Julia: All right, we will all go in together, because Suzanne NEEDS all of us. And also, there is no way she can cover all four of us with one gun!
- Charlene: You do know that we're here to take you down to the hotel for the ceremony...
- Suzanne: Yes, of course. I'm almost ready. Just let me touch up my makeup.
- Julia: (suspicious) Ok, Suzanne. What's going on?
- Suzanne: You know, Julia. We're going down to the Marriott to see those pageant people.
- Charlene: (relieved) Oh, Suzanne, this is great. Yesterday, when you said that stuff about your cold, dead scalp, y'know, and then you ran out to the parking lot and threw yourself on the ground kicking and screaming, and then you crawled to your car with dirt and saliva all over your face, and then you drove away peeling rubber... we thought you were upset.
- Mary Jo: Silly us.
- Suzanne: Yes, well I talked to Consuela, and I'm better now.
- Anthony: Uh oh. I don't like the sound of that.
- Julia: I'd like to think that this means you and Consuela had a soul-searching chat, and you re-evaluated your priorities and realized crown, or no crown, you are who you are — but I have a feeling I'd be disappointed.
- Anthony: I have a feeling it's more like little dolls, straight pins and chicken parts.
- Charlene: Did Consuela make a Donna Jo Carnes doll?
- Suzanne: Yes, and she also put a curse on that Audrey woman too, and I wrote down on this piece of paper a hundred times It will not happen, so you all can just go ahead and laugh, but I know in my heart it's just not going to happen.
- Julia: Suzanne, you're just making this harder on yourself. Now I've talked to Reese, and apparently there's no statute of limitations on this thing, and there's nothing we can do here.
- Suzanne: When I was a little girl, you told me, "Suzanne, if there's anything in this life you want to be, you can be it. All you have to do it want it enough." That's how I won that contest in the first place — I wanted it more. All those other girls were running around saying, "I don't care who wins. I just enjoy the camaraderie and meeting all the other girls from all over the state of Georgia." I didn't give a flip about meeting other girls. I can meet other girls any ole time. And maybe they didn't mean it, but they said it, so a little tiny bit of them did mean it. I never said it. Basically, I just said, "I want that crown to be on my head." So I'll just go down and talk to these people and eplain it all to them, and they won't take my crown. They can't because... because you told me I could be whatever I want to be if I just want it bad enough. And I want to be Miss Georgia... for the rest of my life.
- [The group is waiting on the ceremony for Suzanne to relinquish her Miss Georgia crown to Donna Jo Carnes when Bernice comes into the room dragging a portly woman behind her.]
- Bernice: Look what I found in the ladies room...
- Charlene: Oh Bernice, put her back!
Nightmare From Hee Haw [4.04]
- Charlene: Those trees were gorgeous. It reminded me of the Ozarks and home. For some reason the baby was just kicking like crazy.
- Suzanne: Well of course. What'd you expect? It's a little hick.
- [Everyone is on a camping trip and eating in a hillbilly joint.]
- Suzanne: Well, Julia? How're you enjoying the culture so far?
- Julia: Suzanne, it just so happens I'm enjoying it fine. It's different, it's interesting. Does anybody notice we're the only people in here having dinner?
- Mary Jo: No, I did notice we're the only people in here who know who Leonard Bernstein is. Not that that's particularly a plus.
- JD: Mary Jo, will you please keep it down.
- Mary Jo: Why, what's wrong?
- JD: What's wrong? Well, uh, if it's all right with you, I'd just as soon not offend anybody over there.
- Mary Jo: Over where?
- Julia: I think he's referring to the Charles Darwin Hall of Fame.
- Suzanne: Charles Darwin . . . used to be our yard man.
- Reese: You all, Let's not be so loud.
- Mary Jo: Oh, for Pete's sake. They're just a bunch of big ol' good hearted country boys. Anyway, I don't think they're exactly gonna get the Charles Darwin joke.
- Suzanne: Well I don't even know why you all are makin' fun of him anyway. I mean, he was an excellent yard man. He used to rinse out all my nylon stockings for a nickel.
- Mary Jo: I tell you something, I think after dinner we girls oughta get ourselves some big ol' toothpicks and just sit back and pick our teeth. What do you men folk think of that? Huh?
- JD: Mary Jo, I'm telling you. You are talking too loud and it's not funny. Now no more beer for you.
- Mary Jo: You better watch your step boy. Don't you be back-talking me in front of my friends. I hate it when my man sasses me, don't you?
- Suzanne: Oh my gosh. I don't believe it.
- Julia: What?
- Suzanne: See that man over there with the hunting cap? You know, with the ear flaps?
- Mary Jo: What'd he do to you? Blow you a hayseed?
- JD: Mary Jo!
- Mary Jo: That's just his way of sayin' hi-dee!
- Suzanne: I don't like the way he's lookin' at me with his eyes.
- Charlene: How's he looking?
- Suzanne: You know . . . Like he's lickin' the back of my neck.
- BILL: I say we pay the bill, leave an incredibly large tip, and get the hell out of here.
- Mary Jo: Oh don't be ridiculous. She thinks everybody is trying to lick the back of her neck.
- [A hillbilly family adamantly asks the ladies to dance.]
- Suzanne: Excuse me, I may as well tell you that like Charlene here, I'm a little under the weather myself. You know, PMS.
- Daddy Jones: PM what?
- Suzanne: Female trouble!
- Daddy Jones: Oh, well then maybe you better have a consultation with Nub.
- Suzanne: On second thought, let's boogie.
- Julia: All right. That's it. Now you listen to me, and you listen good. We have had just about as much of you people as we gonna take. I don't know what glacier you stepped out of, but my advice to you is to take yourself and your three slack-jawed sons down to the nearest mental health clinic.
The Rowdy Girls [4.06]
- [After meeting cousin Mavis' husband:]
- Suzanne: Boy, was he cute! How come you never brought him by before?
- Charlene: Suzanne, they haven't even lived here a year yet.
- Julia: Anyway, what do you care? You sound like you're coveting him.
- Suzanne: "Coveting" — what kind of talk is that? Is that like Shakespeare or something?
- [The ladies are set to play the Supremes in a talent show, so in an effort to be more authentic, Suzanne buys everyone dark facial and body makeup.]
- Mary Jo: Suzanne, we can't go around in black face, that's racist!
- Suzanne: Why? If Dustin Hoffman was gonna play Martin Luther King, you don't think he'd wear black makeup?
- Julia: Suzanne, Dustin Hoffman would never play Martin Luther King — that part would go to a black actor.
- Suzanne: Well I think that's racist! I mean, I think it should go to whoever the best person is — and that could be Dustin Hoffman.
- [Charlene goes to see her cousin Mavis, who she recently found out is a victim of spousal abuse.]
- Charlene: Mavis, I've been so upset since the other night. I just can't stop thinking about you.
- Mavis: Yeah, I've been thinking about our whole family — how much I miss Mama and Daddy.
- Charlene: They wouldn't want you to live this way.
- Mavis: Y'know it's funny, but I haven't really felt alive in a long time. And I've forgotten what I used to be like. Every once in a while there's this little voice inside that says, "Hey. It's me. It's Mavis. I'm still in here." But basically I've been dead. And then two things happened — this baby and seeing you again.
- Charlene: Then all you have to do it get Ginny, Julie and Kate and come with me now. After the show we'll go back to my house. You can all stay with Bill and me until we can find you an apartment.
- Mavis: I can't afford that.
- Charlene: Mavis, you can't afford not to. There are places you can go for help, but first we have to get you out of here.
- Mavis: I get an allowance! I don't have any money to move into an apartment.
- Charlene: You do now (handing Mavis an envelope). This is from Bill and me, and the other check is from the rest of us for helping us rehearse.
- Mavis: Oh, Charlene. This is too much. I mean, how could they do this? They don't even know me.
- Charlene: That's just the way they are. That's why they're my friends. The fifty dollars is from Anthony.
- Mavis: (starting to cry) I don't know what to say.
- Charlene: Just say you'll do it! Now, Mavis, I have to go. If you won't come with me right now, I'll be at the Arts Center until 11:00. Just get your girls and come. Just take this first step. I will be by your side the whole way.
- Mavis: I'm so ashamed. I don't know how I ever let it get to this point.
- Charlene: It's ok. Just remember, you don't have to take this, cuz we're the rowdy girls, remember?
- Mavis: Yes, I remember.
Bernice's Sanity Hearing [4.07]
- Charlene:(reading a tabloid) I can't believe this. Did you see this? Droves of vicious killer bees are headed toward the United States. They're from South America, expected to arrive in three to four years. That is terrible. Can you imagine? I'll bet our bees are scared to death.
- [Bernice questions as to why Suzanne is in Greece.]
- Mary Jo: We think she's gone to pay her respects to the sacred ground where Jackie O. got her twenty million dollar settlement. And on her way home she'll probably wisk off to New York to have a little meet and greet with Joanna Carson, culminating the international rich bitch alimony tour.
- [The ladies try to convince Bernice's niece not to have her committed.]
- Mary Jo: "It seems to me you've built your case around two Dicks and a hat."
- Julia: And just for the record, I think you should know, even if Bernice were crazy, that doesn't necessarily mean she should be put away.
- Phyllis: What are you saying?
- Julia: I'm saying this is the South. And we're proud of our crazy people. We don't hide them up in the attic. We bring 'em right down to the living room and show 'em off. See, Phyllis, no one in the South ever asks if you have crazy people in your family. They just ask what side they're on.
- Phyllis: Oh? And which side are yours on Mrs. Sugarbaker?
- Julia: Both.
- [To the judge in chambers...]
- Phyllis: Basically, it isn't just one thing, it's a bunch of odd things that Aunt Bernice does. She puts sheep placenta on her face before going to bed, and she keeps these small dolls in her closet with pins stuck through the necks. And the only picture in her bedroom is not of my sons, instead it's of some big dumb pig and says "May all your dreams come true. Love, Neal."
- Suzanne: Excuse me, that is "Noel", not Neal. I know that pig. I gave her the sheep placenta. My housekeeper gave her the voodoo dolls. I don't see what's weird about that. I have some myself — it's a little hobby, y'know. Some people like golf. Some people like revenge.
- Bernice: And whenever we go to McDonald's, she always wants to know what the fish is like. And I always have to say, "It's square fish, Phyllis. Okay?"
Julia Gets Her Head Stuck in a Fence [4.08]
- [Julia gets her head stuck in the banister of the Governor's Mansion before the ball and gets bawled out by the mansion manager.]
- Suzanne: You know, I'm sorry but I don't think we like your tone of voice. Who do you think you're talkin' to? For your information, we are the Sugarbaker sisters of Atlanta. We had people living here long before it burned. Our great-great grandfather was Robert E. Lee's roommate in college. Our other grandfather helped write the Georgia Constitution. I myself have stood in the rose garden with Jimmy Carter. So even if we do, on this particular day, happen to have our head temporarily stuck in a fence, we are not going to take any crap off some two-bit, low-level bureaucratic usherette.
- Mary Jo: "Yo, Governor!. Got our head stuck in the fence. Can't get it out. And Miss Betts won't give us a saw!" What's hard to understand?
- Suzanne: I think these pantyhose are too dark for this dress.
- Julia: Oh, my goodness. Suzanne, do something. That could be embarrassing. I mean, in 45 minutes when the finest people in Georgia are gathered here before me, I wouldn't want anyone to say, "Did you see that woman with her head stuck in the staircase? Yes. That woman the Governor just stepped over? Don't you think her pantyhose are a little dark for her dress?"
- Suzanne: Now, listen, I have a lighter pair right here.
- Julia: Suzanne, of all the experiences I would like to avoid, I believe having my pantyhose changed in the front hallway of the Governor's Mansion would rank right up there.
- Suzanne: Well, just excuse me for livin'. It wasn't something I was going to particularly enjoy myself, anyway.
Julia and Suzanne's Big Adventure [4.09]
- [The ladies head to Japan by plane to visit their mother and pick up Suzanne's new car.]
- Suzanne: I can’t believe first class is full up. We’re back here traveling in coach, we might as well be on a subway.
- Suzanne: And I'll tell you something else. I am not eating octopus, walking around in my stocking feet or takin a bath with my neighbors no matter what those little people say.
- Julia: It's always stimulating to travel with the international voice of racism.
- Suzanne: Where are our seats?
- Julia: I don't know. If history teaches us anything, mine will be next to a baby who smokes.
- Julia: You should sit here. I should sit in the middle.
- Suzanne: It's too late Julia, I called dibs.(to Japanese looking man sitting by the window) Didn't I? Ah, you don't understand. They probably don't have dibs in your country. I just hate traveling to underdeveloped lands.(to Julia) By the way, just what is he doing sitting by the window? Everybody knows I always have to sit by the window. He's sittin' in my seat.(to man by the window) Excuse me! Excuse me! Julia, give me that phrase book. Does it tell you how to say "you just get your little butt out of my window seat right this minute"?
- Julia:[when a flight attendant refuses to tell her the age of the plane they're flying in] What exactly are they supposed to do, wait for a wing to fall off and count the rings?
- Julia: I guess I’m excited about seeing mother again, visiting a totally new country. Of course, seeing Japan with mother will be seeing the "Real Japan".
- Suzanne: Julia, I am just here to visit mother and pick up a car. I do not want to have any cultural experiences. As for seeing the "Real Japan", I’ve noticed that whenever people start talking about seeing the "real" anything, what they’re talking about basically, is hanging around with poor people. Now I say, I don’t hang around with poor people at home, why should I do it on vacation?
- [They are stranded in the airport with their money and luggage stolen. Julia makes a phone call:]
- Julia: You are the American Consulate, aren't you? I mean, I thought you were supposed to give us shelter or something. No! I don't want the number of the Holiday Inn. Okay. That's it. I want your name right now. Carl Lonias. Okay, Carl. I just want you to know, that when I get back to the United States, I will find you again, and you are going to be punished. You can count on it.
- [Sam, the guy from the plane, lets the ladies sleep with him in his hotel cubicle.]
- Suzanne: Will you please take your hand off my breast.
- SAM: Hey, I'm sorry.
- Suzanne: Not you. Julia.
- Julia: Suzanne, I'm tired. I've had it. Now I need some place to rest my hand and if you've got something to rest it on, I'm gonna use it. Just be quiet and go to sleep.
- Suzanne: My car fell into the ocean? I can't believe this. It's gone? Everything's gone? Three days of eating garbage out of vending machines and sleeping with a man we don't even know and for what? A car at the bottom of the ocean!
- Julia:(to the car dealer) I'm very sorry. I'm going to need the spelling of your name.
Manhunt [4.10]
- Suzanne: Well, I left her a note on the windshield.
- Julia: Saying what?
- Suzanne: What I always say in a note when I ding a parked car. "Hi there, I dinged your car. The people watching me write this probably think I'm leaving you my name and address. Signed, Guess Who."
- [At the bookstore:]
- Mary Jo: I don't see it.
- Suzanne: Well, why don't you ask somebody?
- Mary Jo: Like I'm gonna go over to the clerk and yell, "Hey! I'm a desperate, single woman lookin' for a copy of 'How to Trap Myself a Man'."
- [Suzanne and Mary Jo cruise the grocery store:]
- Suzanne: Well, all this stuff's got to go. And may I remind you, Mary Jo, we are not lookin' for men. I'm helping you.
- Mary Jo: Now Suzanne, I need this stuff.
- Suzanne: Mary Jo, men do not come up and talk to a woman who is wheelin' around a 25 pound sack of dog food and a big box of Kotex. I mean, you might as well just top it off with that giant bottle of Milk of Magnesia. What we need to get ya are some seductive groceries, okay? Like a little pate, some chilled wine, flowers.
- Mary Jo: Hey, why don't we just go all the way and fill up the baby seat with beer and contraceptives.
- [Suzanne and Mary Jo walk into a class filled with women.]
- Suzanne: Is this the Advanced Auto Mechanics class?
- WOMAN: Yes.
- Suzanne: Oh great.
- Mary Jo: Suzanne.
- Suzanne: I think you must have a curse on you or something, Mary Jo. I could sit in a convent for two minutes and meet a man, but you, you're just poison.
They Shoot Fat Women, Don't They? [4.11]
- Julia: Suzanne, it's just human nature. People love to see beautiful women get old or fat.
- Suzanne: All my life I've had to fight my weight, and I admit, food has been my security blanket. But also, I just gain weight more easily than some people, like you... you've always had that tiny waist and those skinny little legs. But I can't be that, and people have always tried to make me be that.
- Julia: Suzanne, you're not alone. I'd be willing to bet most of the people in this country are overweight.
- Suzanne: The point is it's different for women, especially beautiful women. Just look at Elizabeth Taylor. I bet I've seen National Velvet maybe twenty times, and if she never did anything else in her life, what a contribution that was. But all of a sudden because she got fat, it was like she no longer had the right to live in this country. That's how I feel right now. Drugs, alcohol, cancer... whatever your problems, people are sympathetic.....unless you're fat, and then you're supposed to be ashamed. I mean, everything is set up to tell you that; magazine covers, clothes. 'If you're not thin, you're not neat, and that's it.' And if looks are all you've ever had...
- Julia: What do you mean 'If looks are all you ever had'? Suzanne, first of all don't be a dummy. Your looks will never be in the past tense. That face speaks for itself, and it's here to stay. And secondly, even if that weren't so... who cares!
- Suzanne: What do you mean?
- Julia: I mean, you and I are getting pretty far along in life, and I have been able to figure out a couple of things.
- Suzanne: Are you gonna give me the key?
- Julia: Yes, as a matter-of-fact I am. In the end it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about you. You have to be exactly who and what you want to be. Most everyone is floating along on phony public relations. People who say being beautiful, or rich or thin makes them happy — people who are trying to make their marriages and their children seem better than they actually are.... and for what?! Appearances. Appearances don't count for diddly! In the end, all the really matter is what was true, and truly said, and how we treated one another. And that's it.
- [A shocked Suzanne gets up at her high school reunion to accept the award for 'Person-Most-Changed'.]
- Suzanne: Well, this is quite a surprise. I guess maybe I deserve this award for the Person-Most-Changed, but.... not for the reason you think. Last night I got my feelings hurt because I came to this reunion thinking I was beautiful... and what I find out was that I'm fat... at least you think I am. But that isn't the biggest change in me. The biggest change is that the old Suzanne wouldn't have shown up here tonight. She would've just gotten thin before the next reunion, and then she would have gotten even. But I'm a little older, and I hope a little wiser than that person used to be.
A lot of things have happened to me. A lot of things have happened to all of us. Sandy Smothers was killed the night before we graduated. Diane Mitchell's got two sets of twins, and Gayland Chadwick's working in the White House. We had a lot of dreams together, and there's no point in pretending... some of mine came true, and... some didn't.
I met a little boy from Africa tonight whose family died of starvation, and I realized that I spent the whole day at home worrying about the fact that I had too much to eat. I'm not sure the old Suzanne would have appreciated the absurdity of that, but this one does.
Some of you men wanted to know about my bra size, but I'd rather talk about my heart because... it's a little bigger than it used to be. The old Suzanne wouldn't have forgiven you for the things that you said, but this one will... because when I look around this room tonight, I don't see receding hairlines and the beginnings of pot-bellies and crow's feet... I just see all the beautiful faces of old girlfriends and sweet young boys who used to stand on my front porch and try to kiss me goodnight. And you can remember me any way you'd like, but that's how I'll always remember you.
And so I thank you for giving me this award for the Person-Most-Changed, however you intended it. I'm gonna treasure it because... #1.... I love trophies... and #2... I earned it. Thank you.
You Got to Have Friends [4.12]
- [Julia works the cash register at the Burger Guy.]
- Julia: Anyone can see I don't belong here. I'm just doing the best I can.(calls back the order)
- 2 Bigs
- 1 Chick, hold the mayo
- 2 Large Fry
- 1 Ring
- Pie, Pie
- Cookie, 2 Orange and a Java
- And one steak,burn it.
The First Day of the Last Decade of the Entire Twentieth Century [4.13]
- Mary Jo: What have you got in that envelope?
- Suzanne: Charlene's jewelry. Julia just gave it to me. Did you see this dinky little diamond chip[bracelet] he gave her?
- Mary Jo: Suzanne, they're saving for a house.
- Suzanne: Well, I don't care. In a few minutes she's gonna be lying in that delivery room like a big ole zeppelin tied to stirrups, and he gives her a chip... can you believe it?(shortly later on the phone with Bill) Listen, Colonel? Next time you go buying jewelry we gotta talk. I mean, this little diamond chip business isn't gonna get it. That's something you give a six-year-old when she joins the church.
- [Suzanne, Mary Jo and Anthony are in the hospital waiting room, where Anthony's Tina Turner-looking date Vanessa is dancing with headphones on.]
- Suzanne: Hey, Anthony, congratulations on your date. She's very classy, very sort of Radcliffey.
- Anthony: I know she isn't exactly what I had in mind, but she does have her good points.
- Mary Jo: She's a good dancer.
- Anthony: Uh-huh, that's right. Anyway, I was probably just gonna take her on home, but now the streets are so bad I don't think we can make it.
- Suzanne: Oh, I wouldn't worry about it, she strikes me as the kind of girl who's equally at ease at home, or in a social setting.
- [The roads are snowed over, so Bernice calls an ambulance to take her to the hospital when she hears that Charlene is in labor.]
- Ambulance Driver: Did you know that it's a criminal offense to solicit an emergency vehicle under false pretenses?
- Bernice: Do you know that if the Avon lady falls down on your property you have to pay for it?
- [It's now Suzanne's turn to dream, and she is dreaming that she, Charlene, Julia, Mary Jo, and Anthony are all infants in the hospital nursery in a giant crib or playpen....]
- Baby Mary Jo: Whaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh
- Baby Charlene: Don't cry, Mary Jo. What's wrong?
- Baby Suzanne: Nothing's wrong. She's just jealous because I was the first baby born after midnite — January One, 1990.
- Baby Mary Jo: I'm not jealous, I'm hungry!! I only weighed in at five pounds.sucks her thumb
- Baby Suzanne: Yeah, like that's a problem. You know you're little and tiny and cute. Of course you're not as cute as some people. Hey where's that mirror-mobile? I like that thing.
- Baby Julia: Suzanne, suck your pacifier.
- Baby Suzanne: Ohh!! A little fussy today aren't we? Well, you're all just jealous because I won the new car. I was the first baby. I won, I won, I won!
- Baby Julia: Suzanne, I am not fussy today. I just don't particularly care for the head nurse. She is so superior! I'm especially tired of her coming in here every five minutes with that thermometer. I'd like to tell her where to stick it.....but apparently she already knows.
- Baby Charlene: Well I think this whole place is great. It's twenty-four hour room service, and lookholding up her hospital ID bracelet free jewelry!
- Baby Suzanne: Are you serious?
- Baby Charlene: Yeah, I think it's pretty.
- Baby Suzanne: Well, I'm glad you're developing a taste for cheap bracelets. You're gonna need that later on in life. And by the way, would someone kindly tell me what is he doing here?
- Baby Anthony: Excuse me, but to whom are you referring?
- Baby Suzanne: Oh, well like I'm the only one here who noticed! Hasn't anyone else asked themselves what is wrong with this picture?
- Baby Mary Jo: He's different!
- Baby Charlene: Oh, I know. I especially noticed during the diaper change. He's definitely different.
- Baby Anthony: That's right, very very different. And I'll tell you something else. For some reason, I do not particularly appreciate being put behind these bars. Whaaaaahhhh!! I don't want to be incarcerated anymore! Let me out! I'm busting out of here now!!
- Baby Suzanne: Oh keep your diapers on!! You wouldn't even make it to the hallway.
- Baby Anthony: Well maybe not on my own... but I'm gonna be driving that little car right there.
- Baby Suzanne: Whaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!
- Baby Anthony: I was just gonna borrow it. I'll bring it back.
- Baby Suzanne: You can't take that!! It's my car, I won it. I'm the New Years baby!
Baby Bernice enters and runs off with the pint size car... .
- Baby Bernice: Not anymore!! Not anymore!!
- Baby Suzanne: That's my car!! That's my car!!!
- [The scene switches back to the waiting room with Suzanne wailing like a baby in her sleep...]
- Suzanne: That's my car!!! Whaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!Slowly she wakes up with everyone staring at her What's going on? What's happening?
- Bernice: First you fell asleep. Then you made a fool of yourself.
The Mistress [4.14]
- Mary Jo: What the heck is that stuff?
- Suzanne: It's rice cakes. I started my diet last night.
- Mary Jo: You put jelly on them?
- Suzanne: Yes. Do you have a problem with that?
- Mary Jo: You've been on a diet for 12 hours and already you're this cranky?
- Suzanne: Yes. As a matter of fact, after work I'll probably be crashing my car into a Taco Bell. What's it to you?
- Mary Jo: Nothing. I just hate it when you're on a diet.
- Suzanne: Yeah, that's because you're little and tiny and cute. You never have to eat stuff like rice cakes. I oughta just cram this down your throat.
- Suzanne: I know the name of every man in this city who has money. I know the names of the men who are thinking about having money. As a matter of fact, I even know the names of little boys who are good at playing Monopoly. So don't be telling me about the men who have money in Atlanta, okay?
- Suzanne: Oh, Charlene, that reminds me. I saw two things on TV I gotta tell you about. Now first one is, there was a segment on the news about that league of breast feeding people you like so much, you know, La Leaky.
- Charlene: Suzanne, it's La Leche.
- Suzanne: Oh, well. Whatever.
- [The ladies debate whether or not to take a job decorating for their client's mistress.]
- Suzanne: I just hate men who think they can have their cake and eat it too. As a matter of fact, I just hate anyone who eats cake.
- Suzanne: . . . Julia are you kiddin'? If Reese Watson even thought of having a mistress, the very least you would do is blow up his car and burn his apartment to the ground.
- Suzanne: Well I just can't believe she's keeping us waiting so long. I mean, I have better things to do with my time than sitting around waiting for some concubine to fall outta bed. I mean, I could be home watching Green Acres.
- Mary Jo: Suzanne --
- Suzanne: WHAT?
- Mary Jo: I think it's time for you to suck on some more sugarless candy.
- [The mistress asks "big, black, beautiful buck" Anthony if she can sculpt him.]
- Julia: All right, that's it. Look, Ms. Langford.
- Gaby: Please, call me Gaby.
- Julia: No, I won't call you Gaby. You haven't taken the time to learn any of our names.
- Gaby: Well, that's not so. I know Anthony.
- Julia: That's right, you do. First you kept us waiting for 35 minutes. And then when you decided you were bored enough to come downstairs, the only thing you've acted the least bit interested in is seducing our delivery man.
- Gaby: Seducing? If that's what you think I was doing, then obviously you don't have the artistic sensibility required to work with me.
- Julia: No, Ms. Langford. What I don't have that's required to work with you is patience.
- Charlene: Julia --
- Julia: Because quite frankly, I find you rude, horny, lazy and dumb.
- Suzanne: Big, black beautiful buck. Hmph. I'm just gonna call the NAACP and turn her name in. I mean, that's a racial slur if I ever heard one.
- Mary Jo: And you oughta know.
- Mary Jo:Suzanne?
- Suzanne: What?
- Mary Jo: Suck candy.
The Fur Flies [4.15]
- Suzanne: I'm serious, Julia. I do not want you to get up on your soap box about this one. Otherwise, I might have to point out to everyone that you own a fur coat yourself. You know what I'm referring to.
- Julia: Mother's mink? Suzanne, you know I never wear that. It's a family heirloom. It was grandmother's, for heaven's sake. It's just a souvenir of someone we loved.
- Suzanne: Maybe. All I'm saying is . . . you own a mink. So, speaking of big steel-jawed traps . . . you can just keep yours shut.
- [Suzanne walks down the runway in the fur pullover jacket.]
- Protestor: Fifty living creatures died for that coat!
- Suzanne: Wanna make it fifty-one?
- Protestor: How does it feel to have a corpse on your back?
- Suzanne: Oh shut up!
- Mary Jo: Queen of the snappy comebacks strikes again.
- [Suzanne's arm is sprained and she is trapped in the fur coat.]
- Suzanne: Oh really? Well let me tell you something, Miss P.A.A.A. . . . I am wearing this fur coat to sleep in. I have been wearing this fur coat 24 hours a day for a week. And you know why? Because my arm is sprained, and I can't lift it over my head! The doctors wanted to cut it off of me. But naturally, I couldn't let 'em. I mean after all, they're doctors, not tailors. Doctors should stick to cutting up things like hearts and livers, not important things like fur coats. So I have been stuck inside this thing. Do you know what it means to wear a fur coat 24 hours a day for a week? It's hot. It's bulky, and it's starting to smell. I can't go outside because dogs follow me around, and I'm not happy. I don't want to see a fur coat for the rest of my life. I don't want to see fur, I don't want to hear fur, I don't even want to open the refrigerator and see some old food with fur on it.
Oh, What a Feeling [4.16]
- Julia: Hanging up the phone Well, that's it. There are two million people in this city, and apparently we are the first ones to ever come up with the notion of renting a van after 5 o'clock in the evening.
- Charlene: Why don't you try this one — Krazy Joe's Junkers. He's crazy, so maybe he stays open later.
- Julia: That's who I was just talking to.
- Charlene: Really? Julia, you called a guy named Krazy Joe?
- Julia: Yes, Charlene. That is how desperate I am. I telephoned a man who not only calls himself Krazy Joe, but he spells crazy with a 'K' and prints the 'Z' backwards — a man who's based his entire business career on the theme of illiteracy.
- Charlene: What are we going to do? Anthony is stuck out there on the 285 in the pouring rain with that awful Mrs. Fricke and all her furniture.
- Suzanne: Well I know what to do. It's real simple too. We call the police and tell them that Anthony is an escape convict who's stolen a load of antiques and taken a white woman hostage. They'll just rush right down here with one of those big ol' paddywagons and pick Anthony up — probably even deliver the furniture.
- [Anthony calls from a waffle house, as Charlene relays the conversation to the ladies]
- Julia: Where is Mrs. Fricke?
- Charlene: She's in the van still stuck on the highway. (to Anthony) I bet she's mad. I mean, I hate to criticize, but even on a good day she's kind of cranky. (to the ladies) He says she's in a good mood.
- Mary Jo: Gee. Maybe we should have stuck her out on the freeway in a leaky van a long time ago.
- Charlene: What? He says she's happy because this is her last furniture shipment and if it's not delivered by midnight tonight her entire job is free.
- Julia: Where would she get a bizarre idea like that?
- Suzanne: I saw it on a pizza ad.
- Mary Jo: Great, Suzanne. Why don't you just give away free pepperoni on the sofas?!
- Suzanne: There! You see? That shows how good you'd be at sales because that wouldn't work at all. You people act like it's just so easy for me to hustle up business for this place, like I've just got to stand on the corner and go "Hey! Drapes and coffee tables!" and people just come running. Well you're wrong. I have to flirt, I have to deal, I have to lie, and sometimes I even have to threaten. THAT is called SALES. It's not pretty. I am, but it's not.
- Charlene: Suzanne, I can't believe you did that. That is thousands and thousands of dollars. We can't afford to pay for all that stuff.
- Suzanne: Hey, I sell stuff — I'm the front-end person. You're supposed to deliver it — you're the rear-end people.
- Julia: (to the car dealer after Charlene admits they're desperate)
Well, I'm glad that came out, yes I am. You know how badly we need the van, and that's fine, because I like to deal honestly and fairly. Now. . . we're a group of nuns and we need the van to transport blind orphans. . . .
- Julia: Ok, we're about to run out of time, so I'm going to be blunt. Suzanne, it does not further negotiations to have you popping your cleavage on that man's desk.
- Suzanne: I think it furthers things just fine. I had him confused.
- Julia: You certainly did. Everytime he looked at your chest, we had to listen to that story again about the summer he worked on the dairy farm.
- Suzanne: Well excuse me for taking charge of the situation. You all weren't doing very well, and I am the expert in this area. When it comes to taking something from a man, I know what I'm doing. I wish you two would stop undermining my plans.
- Julia: Suzanne, we have already seem Plan A and Plan B — you can just put them away now.
Payne Grows Up [4.18]
- Julia: Good morning, Suzanne. Did you speak to Tika Ford?
- Suzanne: Yes I did — had breakfast with her at the club, and she marked the tear sheet she wanted. Oh, and Julia, she wants to know how you liked the birthday present she sent you.
- Julia: Oh, please. Nancy Reagan's book.
- Suzanne: Well she said it was a gag gift.
- Julia: Well it certainly made me gag.
- [The ladies are discussing motherhood while Suzanne is busy writing a letter.]
- Charlene: You know, it's interesting. I always thought of the four of us as being pretty much the same, but in terms of kids we couldn't be more different. I mean, I've got a brand new baby, and Mary Jo's daughter is about to finish high school, and(gesturing to Suzanne) you haven't even started yet.
- Suzanne: I beg your pardon. What exactly is it that I haven't "started"?
- Charlene: You want to have kids someday, don't ya?
- Suzanne: Charlene, I don't know! It's not the kind of question I ask myself — not like those women who hang around expensive restaurants whining about my "biological clock". I assure you if I ever decide I did want a baby, I would do it instantly with a minimum of fuss and muss.
Tough Enough [4.20]
- [Suzanne meets the girls at the bowling shoe rental counter...]
- Clerk: What size are you?
- Suzanne: What business is it of yours?! I'm eating rice cakes already, what do you people want from me?! Just lay off!
- Charlene: Suzanne, she meant your shoe size.
- Suzanne:(embarrassed) Oh! Hehe. Six and a half.
- Clerk: Great. There you go. Just leave yourshoes with me.
- Suzanne: I beg your pardon?
- Clerk: We keep your shoes so you don't walk out with the rented ones.
- Suzanne: Do you really think that I'm going to give up my brand new Maude Frizons so that I can walk out of here wearing these multi-colored clown shoes stained with the sweat of sixty-thousand poor people? Because if that's what you're worried about, let me just say, don't worry about it.
It's A Wonderful Life [4.21]
- Suzanne: Well, I don't know why Charlene insists on nursing this baby. It's like some kind of epidemic. Everywhere I go, anytime of the day or night, I see all these women whipping themselves out and acting like public fillin' stations. I mean, they act like just cause there's a baby attached, it's not a breast anymore. Could you see me unleashing one of these outdoors? All hell would break loose.
- [Having recently had a baby and feeling like nothing but a big exhausted mother blob, Charlene takes a meeting with a client...]
- Mary Jo: So how'd it go?
- Charlene: I fell asleep.
- Mary Jo: When?
- Charlene: I'm not sure. I think it was right after we said hello and shook hands.
- Julia: How long did you sleep?
- Charlene: I think about 15 minutes. We were sitting on his sofa in his office talking about putting levalors on the windows, and I just sort of nodded off. Sometime after that he woke me up... apparently I was snoring.
- Mary Jo: ... and then what happened?
- Charlene: I started crying.
- Suzanne: You started crying?
- Charlene: Well, yeah... cuz I looked down and while I'd been asleep I'd gotten these great big wet milk spots on the front of my blouse.
- Suzanne: Oh my lord!!
- Charlene: It was just so humiliating.
- Suzanne: Oh my lord!!
- Julia:(angrily) Suzanne.
- Charlene: And then I just jumped up real quick and put on my coat.
- Suzanne: The one with the baby spit on it?
- Charlene: That's right. And thank you for telling me, Suzanne. I didn't notice 'til I'd gotten there.
- Mary Jo: And then you left?
- Charlene: ... and that's when I fell flat on my face in the reception area.
- Julia: I don't think I want to hear anymore.
- Charlene: I probably wouldn't have fallen except that I'd put my pantyhose on so twisted this morning I've been walking like John Wayne all day. Then my purse came open... and y'know I had that box of baby suppositories in there. They just flew everywhere. There I was, on my hands and knees, wet, sobbing, mascara running down my face, my pantyhose twisted, trying to gather up all these little white firecrackers... ...y'know. Two of the secretaries had to lift me off the floor and help me to my car. Or maybe they were throwing me out... I don't know. I never looked back.
Foreign Affairs [4.22]
- Mary Jo: I guess we have been sorta tacky today.
- Charlene: Which I don't understand because basically, we're very nice girls.
- Mary Jo: Yeah. But we don't talk half as bad as men do. Men say things like, "Yeah, I'm gonna go out and get me some tonight."
- Julia: Mary Jo. I don't know any men who say that.
- Charlene: Oh yeah. Reese talks like that all the time.
- [Suzanne convinces Anthony to pretend to be her maid Consuela to fool immigration.]
- Charlene: I wonder what's keeping Anthony and Suzanne.
- Julia: Charlene, are you serious? A six foot black man dressed like Hazel just left here with Suzanne, his co-conspirator to defraud and deceive the United States government, and you're wondering what's keeping them? Well, it's been three and a half hours. I don't think you have to wonder anymore. I think it's pretty obvious. They are in prison.
La Place sans Souci [4.27]
- [Suzanne tells everyone that she's planning on taking them to an elegant spa, La Place san Souci]
- Suzanne: I'm taking y'all to la place san sucky.
- [Everyone is driving home from a spa from which the ladies were asked to leave after getting into a hellacious cat fight in the mudbath, and Anthony is still wounded from getting shot by Suzanne during the previous episode.]
- Julia: But then again, I suppose in my heart I always knew that someday we would end up like this. I mean, well, it's kind of fitting isn't it? Here we are going down the highway into the dark Georgia night. Four aging Southern belles — war-torn hair, dirty faces — a nanny, a baby, and a crippled black man.
A Blast From the Past [5.01]
- Suzanne: I never use catalogs. I'd rather go in the store and see all the salespeople people groveling and sucking up to you.
- Julia: Pardon me, I never knew they were so solicitous at the K- Mart.
- [The snooty director from the Tour of Homes arrives at Julia's home with the tourists.]
- Karen: Where is Julia please?
- Mary Jo: She's upstairs.
- Karen: Are you the one who's going to help her give the tour?
- Mary Jo: Yes, that would be me.
- Karen: Well, c'mon. Let's get started. Skidaddle. Hippity hop!
- Mary Jo:(putting on Southern airs and yelling upstairs to Julia in a snooty immitation of Karen) Julia! The tour is here! Karen wants us to "skidaddle and hippity hop!"
- [Julia's house is placed on a Tour of Homes and she is enforced to open her home to inconsiderate tourists.]
- Tourist: Y'know, the other houses were much nicer than this one. This is boring.
- Tour Guide Karen: Well, this isn't one of our better ones. In fact, the only reason it's on the tour is because this was the home of Lucifer T. Stonewall Sugarbaker. He was a very famous horse thief and Yankee spy. Who's seen Gone With the Wind? Do you remember Belle Watling's house? Well this was the original that it was based on.
- Tourist: This used to be a whore house?
- Julia: Alright!! That's it. This is not a whore house, this is my house. And I've had all I'm gonna take of you. You don't care about history, you just want to sell it. You don't even sell it honestly. You just want to sell the myth... the myth of the Old South. You all know that myth, don't ya? Happy darkies singing in the field while Miss Scarlett primps around throwing hissy fits. Well that's an insult. It isn't the South. It's an insult to all the people who lived and died here not so very long ago. We Southerners have had to endure many things. But one thing we Southerners don't have to endure is a bunch of bored housewives turning historical homes into theme parks, not to mention ill-mannered tourists with their Big Gulps, Mysties, Slurpees, and Frosties, their dirty feet overflowing rubber thongs, and babies who sneeze fudgecicle juice! Out!! Out of my house!! As God is my witness... I will burn it down myself before I let you in again!!
- [The tourists applaud...]
- Tourist: Wow! Just like the movie!
- Tourist: This is the best house on the tour!
- Karen:[nervously trying to hurry them out Well... we aim to please. And wasn't that a wonderful piece of theater.As she leaves, she shoots Julia a vicious look!]
- Mary Jo: Well... ..
- Julia: Well...
- Mary Jo: Julia, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but I don't think you're gonna be invited to be on the tour of homes next year.
- Julia: ' Frankly my dear... .I don't give a damn.
Miss Trial [5.04]
- [After Charlene turns juror Julia in for hearing about her case outside of court.]
- Julia: (on phone) Hello, Charlene. I just wanted to thank you again for turning me into the judge. Now, the whole jury is sequestered till Lord only knows when, and I am here in Motel Hell, sharing a room with a women with no lips.
- Charlene: Julia, I had to do it. We violated that law. By the way, I don't think your supposed to be making telephone calls. I'd hate to have to report this, too.
- Julia: If you are so all fire, heaped up about turning people in, I believe you'll find some overdue library books in my upstairs den. Why don't you just report that too, and maybe you'll get your merit badge, you big 'ole donkey girl scout!
- Charlene: Now, Julia, you sound overwrought.
- Julia: Yeah, well, you're gonna think overwrought. If I miss my dinner with Jimmy and Rosalind Carter because of this, you're going to pay and pay big. I'm going to find you and hunt you down like a dog! I'm talking about you running through the woods in the snow with blood hounds ripping your clothes off! And remember, Charlene, I have your address. You'd be wise to ask yourself "Do I know where my baby is?"!
- Charlene: Julia? Julia!? (hangs up) Oh my gosh, she threatened Olivia.
- Mary Jo: What'd she say?
- Charlene: She said she was going to hunt me down like a dog and hire blood hounds to rip my clothes off! Now, I thought the judge was just going to give her a warning. I didn't know she was going to be shut up in a motel room. Now, Suzanne, you know Julia. I mean, when this is all over she'll realize I had to do it and forgive me, don't you think?
- Suzanne: I think you and your baby should get some black wigs on and get the hell out of town.
- Mary Jo: Maybe Bill can put in for a transfer. I here there's a big base up in Greenland. On second thought, Julia'd probably just strap some snow shoes to her pumps and track you down like caribou.
- Charlene: I didn't know Julia had this in her.
- Mary Jo: Well, we all have things about ourselves that even we don't know.
- [Julia is trying to push the votes through.]
- Julia: Alright, that's 7 to 4; who didn't vote? (woman raises hand) Well, Janice, what is the problem? Did you intend to mime your vote?
- Janice: I'm just not comfortable making a decision yet.
- Julia: I see. And yet you are perfectly comfortable smearing your face with white grease paint and annoying pedestrians all over Atlanta. Interesting. No really, Janice, I think it's time you came to a decision. As a matter of fact, I think it's time you all came to a decision. We've been here almost three days, and apparently you people have nothing better to do then to sit around here hogging up the taxpayers' money, eating baskets of fried cheese and staying at the Fair Price Motel. Which I understand some of you think is the nicest place you've stayed in a while. (The "no-lip woman" fumes) Well, let me tell you something, it is not the nicest place I've been in a while. And for your further information, I'm having dinner with a former president and first lady of the United States tonight, because we are all going to be out of here. And the reason we're all going to be out of here is that this case is very simple. Did any of you listen to the judge's instructions? He practically told us to acquit. The case is frivolous! The defendant was not negligent. Case closed! Q.E.D.! Over and out! Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more, no more! Go up to the table and mark your ballots, and if you don't mark them right, I'm going rip that fire extinguisher off the wall and blow your overfed, under-read, simple-minded butts out onto the Fair Price Motel parking lot!
- No-Lip Woman: I don't think jury members are supposed to threaten each other. I don't appreciate that.
- Julia: Oh, really? Well, I don't appreciate you leaving you big ol' box of June Allyson bladder pads on my night stand for all the maids and bellboys to see! Of course, you don't care if you never get out of here; you don't even have to get up to go to the bathroom! Now, I am passing these slips for the final ballot, and I want to tell you right now, read my lips: Mark your slip wrong, and I will wrap it around a fried cheese ball and shove it down your throat!
Charlene Buys a House [5.06]
- [The Sugarbakers team wakes up in Charlene's haunted house after a night of telling ghost stories, and find Rusty the electrician bent over exposing part of his backside.]
- Mary Jo: Well, that's a fine thing to see first thing in the morning; "The Return of Rusty...or Nightmare on Crack Street, part two!"
Nowhere To Run To [5.08]
- [Mary Jo asks the ladies if they'd like to take up jogging with her...]
- Suzanne: Mary Jo, I had my period 5 years straight in high school to avoid P.E., okay? Why do you think I have a mercedes for?
And Now, Here's Bernice [5.12]
- Julia: Why don't you want to talk to Bernice?
- Anthony: Because that hooker she had booked on her show cancelled out.
- Charlene: I know. I told her to call my friend Monette for help.
- Anthony: We tried that, but Monette and Atlanta's better class of prostitutes have gone to Las Vegas for a convention. Consequently, in Bernice's hour of need, Atlanta is suffering a severe shortage. Now we were out until three in the morning driving around in her cadillac looking for — as she put it — "fresh meat". I nearly wrapped the car around a post when she leaned out the window and yelled, "Work it, girl! How'd you like to strut your stuff on public access?!"
Pearls of Wisdom [5.13]
- Suzanne: My life has not been easy ever since Reggie Mac Dawson stole all my money. I mean I haven't been able to buy any new jewelry or furs in just . . . months, and I had to wear the same ball gown to two different parties this past season . . . and well lately . . . I can only afford to get my legs waxed up to the knees...(sobs).
- Mary Jo: Well, I had no idea. This poor girl has been through hell. I guess it's just rough going all around these days.
Maybe, Baby [5.17]
- [Suzanne takes up smoking to lose weight]
- Suzanne: Well, I am sick and tired of all you self-righteous non-smokers always lecturing everybody else. I mean, if we're trying to outlaw unattractive habits, why don't we outlaw nose-pickin' in your car at 60 miles an hour?
Blame it on New Orleans [5.19]
- [The ladies are in New Orleans for Design Expo, and Charlene and Suzanne meet the ladies at a bar after spending the day on the town.]
- Charlene: We're having so much fun. We followed this jazz band down the street to this big ol' party. We partied for two hours until I realized it was somebody's funeral.
Friends and Husbands [5.22]
- [Bernice is making a home video to send to America's Funniest Bloopers and finds out she shot the whole video without a tape in the camcorder.]
- Bernice: They didn't say anything about a tape at the store! I thought you just sent the whole camera in. Oh, darn! Another beautiful Kodak moment down the toilet. Y'know, I think I'll just go back to that store and give them a piece of my mind. Or maybe not . . . it just may be the piece that's working.
The Pride of Sugarbakers [5.24]
- [Suzanne takes over the announcer's booth at a little league game...]
- Suzanne: Excuse me, excuse me! Will the parents of the juvenile delinquent who broke my windshield please come the the announcer's booth. And bring your checkbook. Thank you!
The Big Desk (Part 1) [6.01]
- Allison: Oh Julia, just so you know..... the next time you see your lawyer on company time, it's going on your record.
- Julia: Just so you know... the next time you speak to me in that tone of voice, you're going to the moon.
- [Allison describes when she was fired as a seeing-eye-person for a blind lady.]
- Allison: Do you have any idea... what it's like to be let go from a position formerly held by a dog?
- [The war between Allison and Anthony over Suzanne's house continues:]
- Anthony: Just so you know, Allison. I did not appreciate waking up this morning and finding my wardrobe on the front lawn.
- Allison: I did not appreciate the "Die, fascist pig" note in my pajamas pocket either.
- Anthony: I didn't put any note in your pajamas.
- Allison: Oh... I guess it was somebody else.
- [Here is some fun banter regarding Suzanne that is often cut out of the syndicated version...]
- Carlene: Why'd she (Suzanne) move to Japan anyway?
- Julia: Well, Suzanne was very attracted to the Japanese economy. They have a very large elderly population there, and she had dated most of the men in this country.
- Carlene: Well that was something about her dating that Emperor Hirohito wouldn't it?
- Charlene: Oh no, Carlene. That was the nephew of Emperor Hirohito. I mean, Emperor Hirohito is dead.
- Mary Jo: ... never stopped Suzanne in the past.
- Mary Jo: For someone who's not gonna even be working here, Tinkerbell sure has a big desk.
- Allison: Just to make sure that we get off on the right foot, let's talk about how we can be more professional and well presented. On the personal side, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but someone's wearing a very offensive cologne. Incidentally, I do think it's inappropriate to bring visiting relatives to work. (To Carlene) Is there any particular reason you're lying on the sofa?
- Charlene: Yes, she has premenstrual cramps.
- Allison: You suffer from P.M.S.?
- Carlene: Um... actually back home we call it F.T.S... Fixin' To Start. And then when it finally arrives, you say your cousin's visiting. And that's why it was so funny this morning when Anthony said Julia's cousin was visiting, I thought that Julia was... Fixin' To Start.... then you showed up
- Allison: (to Mary Jo) Incidentally, I assume you meant for your lips to be that color this morning.
- Mary Jo: Yes.....I did.
- Allison: Ok. I'm just a person who believes if someone has a bird on their head you should tell them.
- Charlene: Mary Jo, guess what I found in the mall last night. Carlene and I went shopping, and I had this picture of my whole family put on this button....see? Here's my mama and my daddy, all my brothers and all my sisters. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna wear it when I meet the Queen....see that way she gets to see my whole family.
- Mary Jo: Uh-huh. That will certainly set you apart from the crowd.
- Allison: Let me get this straight. You're gonna wear that when you meet the Queen?
- Charlene: Yeah, why?
- Allison: Well, as I was just saying to Mary Jo, I believe that if someone has a bird on their head you have to tell them, and I am here to tell you that you do not impress the Queen of England by showing up with a big ol' soup plate on your breast with 49 hicks emblazoned on it!
A Toe in the Water [6.03]
- [Allison starts to enter the storeroom/bathroom... ]
- Carlene: Oh no... (chuckling)... you can't go in there.
- Allison: Why not?
- Carlene: My cat's using it.
- Allison: Your cat is using our bathroom?
- Carlene: Yeah, I bought this book that says how you can forever eliminate litter boxes with their offensive odors, and what you do is: you take the litter box and put it on a stack of magazines right by the toilet, and every day you just add more and more magazines to the pile until it's right level with that toilet. And then you take that litter box and put it right on top of the toilet, so the cat gets used to (snap) jumping up there. And finally, you just remove the litter box entirely and just leave the lid up on the toilet, and you know what happens (smiling with her brilliance) ?
- Allison: Yes. The cat jumps into the toilet. I admit that it's a great gag, and I certainly enjoy playing elaborate practical jokes on household pets as much as anyone but, Carlene, why are you doing this here?
- Carlene: Well, I've got to supervise her progress.
- Mary Jo: Y'know, I think it's just amazing that you can get a cat to understand the concept of a commode. My dog Brownie, I mean, he just thinks of ours as just a giant punch bowl.
- Carlene: (laughing hysterically) Mary Jo, I can't believe you said that!
(to Allison about Mary Jo) I swear, every time we get together she makes me laugh.
- Allison: Yes I know. Every time I come in here she's a pickin' and you're a grinnin'.
(Anthony walks in... )
- Mary Jo: Anthony, where have you been all morning?
- Anthony: Mary Jo, the proper question to ask is 'where have I been all night.' And the answer is... I was locked in the basement of Suzanne's house.
- Allison: Oh! Were you in the basement? I thought I heard something down there last night.
- Anthony: Oh really? Did it sound something like someone screaming "let me out of here, Bitch!!"?
- [After Julia's friend Mark stops by the store]
- Allison: So... that's Mark Bayswell.
- Julia: Uh huh.
- Allison: That's the man who's going to take you back into the world of dating.
- Julia: That's right.
- Allison: Uh HUH.
- Julia: What exactly do you mean by 'uh huh?'
- Allison: Nothing. You just proved my point, that's all.
- Julia: What's your point?
- Allison: Julia!! That is the gayest human being I've ever seen in my life!
- Julia: He is Not!
- Allison: Julia!! He was wearing a Lacoste. He knows what a peplum is. In a twenty second conversation he managed to work in 'Ida Lupino.' And he has never laid a finger on you, am I right?
- Julia: I'm not going to answer that.
- Allison: You just did.
- Allison: There are many, many sufferers of [Obnoxious Personality Disorder]. It's such a sad story. Literally thousands of people have lost their friends, their jobs, even their husbands and wives--- simply because they're obnoxious. And there is also a very high rate of alcoholism.
- Mary Jo: Among obnoxious people...
- Allison: No, among their friends and relations.
- [each set of quotation marks signifies quotation mark hand gestures]
- Allison: Julia, wait! I just wanted to hear how your "date" went last night.
- Julia: Y'know, Allison, you're very clever with those quotation marks, but just for the record, I prefer my conversations straight forward and unencumbered by little rabbit gestures. Do you "get it?"
- Allison: But I was right wasn't I? Your "boyfriend" didn't lay a hand on you, did he?
- Julia: Not that it is remotely even any of your business, but just to wipe that smirk off your face, I will tell you. You were not right. He is positively not gay.
- Allison: How do you know?
- Julia: I picked up subtle signals while he had his tongue down my throat. Now what do you say to that?
- Allison: (dumbfounded.....) He must be bi.
- Julia: Allison, he is NOT!! You were wrong! You're always wrong, and you never want to admit it. He is straight! There is no question about it. He made that fact uncomfortably clear!
- Allison: "Uncomfortably?" (as Allison makes her quotation mark gestures, Julia grabs her hands... ) Oh, I'm sorry! It's a habit.....it's going to take some getting used to. I'm just so interested in this word "uncomfortably." I mean, it seems there's something you're not admitting, Little Miss Cards-on-the-table.
- Julia: Oh, alright. I'll give you that. I guess subconsciously I did think Mark was gay and therefore I was safe.
- Anthony: Julia, excuse me for overhearing, but I just want to add my two cents.
- Julia: Oh please!! I do so want to hear from everyone on this subject! Call your friends!
- Anthony: I was just going to say; you can't force yourself to start dating if it isn't time. I know because there came a day in my life when I wasn't interested in any romantic involvement at all. The whole idea didn't appeal to me, period, and no matter who approached me, I just wasn't interested.
- Julia: Really, Anthony? When was that?
- Anthony: That was the day I entered prison.
Dwayne's World [6.04]
- Carlene: Oh, Mary Jo. You are just the best girlfriend I've ever had! I mean it! If you were a man I'd marry you. I would!(pondering) But Julia, you know what . . . I would find you very attractive too. It would be a tough decision . . . Mary Jo or Julia. I can't decide! Allison, what do you think?
- Allison: I think you need a date — bad!!
- Carlene: You think so?
- Mary Jo: Oh, don't pay any attention to her. She's just mad because none of us want to marry her.
- [Allison walks in while Anthony is pretending to be Carlene's boyfriend to help her impress her ex-husband and gets frustrated because she feels like she never knows what is going on.]
- Allison: I cannot believe that this woman blows into town five minutes ago and already she's got a best friend and a boyfriend — not the ones I would choose, but still! I mean, I think I'm attractive, but I don't have a best friend. I don't have a boyfriend. And for some reason none of the women at work wanna marry me.
- [After finding out everyone has been lying all along and she wasn't in on the deception:]
- Allison: Y'know, you people are all just messing with me. And I would like to tell you something . . . I wouldn't marry any of you girls if you begged me to!
- Allison: Wh- What's wrong with your voice? It sounds low.
- Anthony: (deep voice) I have a code. Allison Sugarbaker, Dwayne Dobber.
Marriage Most Foul [6.05]
- Mary Jo: (to Allison, who is concerned that Barry is out to get revenge on her) If he tries anything, you can just unleash your secret weapon — and sleep with him.
- [Julia gets a hold of Donald Trump's private number and gives "The Donald" a call]
- Julia: Hello? Mr. Trump? I hope I'm not disturbing you. I'm just calling you to say — on behalf of the American public — Mr. Trump, we no longer care who you date, we really don't. You are no longer obligated to alert the news media everytime your pants are on fire because we don't care. So please feel free to fire all your hacks, flacks and publicists employed for this purpose because — and I repeat — we...don't...care! Who am I? Well, you've never met me, but you can just call me....The Julia.
Last Tango in Atlanta [6.07]
- [T. Tommy Reed makes Allison dance with him when the crew is all locked in the prison rec. room with him.]
- Mary Jo: This is very strange... kinda like watching a combination of American Bandstand and America's Most Wanted.
The Strange Case of Clarence and Anita [6.08]
- Carlene: Hey Mary Jo, listen, I hate to make you madder, but the polls are showing that the majority of American women believe Clarence Thomas.
- Mary Jo: Oh, Carlene. The polls show too that most women aren't feminists. But if you ask most women about individual feminist issues, the majority of them are for them, they just don't want to call themselves feminists because George Bush and Phyllis Shaffley want to make everyone believe that feminists are all these big mouth, bleeding heart, man-hating women who don't shave their legs.
- Bernice: Well I don't know what all of the fuss is about anyway, even if these things did happen. Now, I've eaten at Long John Silvers many times. . . and I've never found a hair in my coke. And if I had, I wouldn't hesitate to send it back — and it wouldn't be ten years later either.
- Mary Jo: Thank you, Bernice.
- Bernice: And I'll tell you another thing; That Anita Bryant has caused trouble before. . . when she went out against the homosexuals. And here she is, trying to ruin this man.
- Anthony: Bernice, that was Anita Bryant, this is Anita Hill.
- Bernice: Oh. Well I thought Anita Bryant was white, but they both have the same hair-do.
- [Mary Jo goes berzerk as Bette Davis about women's rights in front of the news cameras...]
- Mary Jo: All we want is to be treated with equality and respect. Is that asking too much? I'm sorry, I don't mean to be strident and overbearing, but you know nice just doesn't cut it anymore. I'm mad because we're 51 percent of the population and only two percent of the United States Senate. I'm mad because 406 men in the House of Representatives have a pool, a sauna and a gym, and we have six hairdryers and a ping pong table. I'm mad because in a Seminole, Oklahoma police station, there's a poster of a naked woman that says "Women make bad cops." I'm mad because in spite of the fact that we scrub the nations' floors, wash the dishes, have all the babies and commit very little of the crime, still we only make 58 cents on the dollar. And I don't know about the rest of you women out there, but I don't give a damn if people think I'm a feminist or a fruitcake! What I'm going to do is get in my car and drive to the centermost part of the United States of America and climb the tallest tower and yell, "Hey, don't get me wrong, we love ya, but who the hell do you men think you are?!!"
Just Say Doe [6.09]
- [Mary Jo's brother plans to take young Quint hunting and fill her freezer...]
- Carlene: You know, you can lease a freezer for that. Before Dwayne, I went out with this guy named Lyle — but everybody called him Booger — and he used to keep his game in one of those rented lockers. I remember for dinner he'd take me down there and let me pick out my meat myself . . . I felt just like a princess.
- Julia: Y'know Carlene. You've told two stories involving this man already this week. I kinda hope this concludes the Booger Trilogy.
- Bernice:(singing) Black man!! Black Man, where have you gone to? Black Man!! Black Man . . . where did you go? . . .
- Anthony: Bernice, what the hell are you singing about?
- Bernice: Oh, Anthony I don't know. It just comes to me, I can't explain it. It's a gift.
Julia and Rusty, Sittin' in a Tree [6.10]
- Julia: My father used to propose toasts all the time, so here it goes: Here's to the ones that wish us well and those who don't can go to hell!
- Mary Jo:(talkin about her blind date) If this guy turns out to be a jerk I'm in the nearest cab.
- Anthony: That'll be a little hard in a drive-in theater.
- Mary Jo: Yeah you just watch me, I'm gonna take my porta-phone. I'm past 30 — I don't have to put up with any crap anymore.
Julia and Mary Jo Get Stuck Under a Bed [6.11]
- [Bernice talks about almost getting the ladies Thigh Masters for Christmas. Carlene has one....]
- Carlene: That Suzanne Sommers says you can do it anywhere, right? So I did. I went to the laundramat and I was doing it, you know, and I was waiting for my clothes to dry... and they asked me to leave
- [They just find out another design firm has stolen their yuletide house design.]
- Bernice: I think we should get some bricks and some baseball bats and go over there and teach them the true meaning of Christmas.
Real, Scary Men [6.12]
- [After the Shaming Ceromony of Anthony...]
- Allison: That's it? That's the Shaming Ceremony You should call that the Boring Ceremony. I've shamed him better myself. If you really want to shame somebody, you gotta go for their underwear.
- [The Wild Men confess that their father's didn't teach them how to cry, so they felt betrayed.]
- Julia: Please, if you wanna feel like crying, try being one of those women who hold down a job, raise a family on the side, watch their legal rights erode year after year, and are still being told that women's liberation has gone too far, that outta make you feel like crying. Hoooo!
Driving My Mama Back Home [6.14]
- [Carlene shares her newly written song.]
- Carlene:[(singing)]
- Remember the good old days.
- Remember the good old days.
- They were good...
- They were old...
- They were days...
- [Julia is forced to endure a bus trip with Mary Jo and her mother, and Mary Jo has just finished telling her mother that she's been visiting a sperm bank trying to get pregnant.]
- Ms. Jackson: Julia, would you excuse us please.
- Julia: Well, of course Ms. Jackson, but I don't know exactly where I would go.
- [(Mary Jo nods toward the bus restroom)]
- Julia: Mary Jo, I hope that was just a nervous tick brought on by some dread neurological disease, and not a suggestion that I return to that bathroom!
- [(Mary Jo looks at the bathroom)]
- Julia:(groaning . . . ) What I do for my friends . . .
- [(Julia gets up and goes to the bathroom — taking a deep breath before entering)]
- Ms. Jackson: Mary Jo, when I mentioned Miss Pixie(her cat) getting in trouble, that didn't mean I didn't love those kittens. I mean, you know I loved them!
- Julia:[(opens the bathroom door and desperately exhales) BLUHHHHHHHHHHH... Just getting some air(sucks in air and closes the door)]
- Mary Jo: So what are you saying Mama?
- Ms. Jackson: I'm saying, that I love you, and that I would love to have another grandchild!
- Mary Jo: You would?
- Ms. Jackson: And if you have to do it with some sperm club, then I can understand that.
- Mary Jo: So what you're telling me is that it's ok with you if I just wanna stand by the dryer vent and see what comes in?
- Ms. Jackson: Well I wish you wouldn't put it just that way, but umm...
- Mary Jo: Well I'm going to take that as your unqualified approval.
- Ms. Jackson: Thank you
- Julia: BLUHHHHHHHHH(violently exhaling) . . . I'm sorry, but I cannot stand it in there one more minute! I can put a pillow over my head, I can put my finers in my ears, and hum Meliconi, but I CANNOT and WILL NOT go back in that bathroom!!!!
Carlene's Apartment [6.16]
Bernice: Hi everybody! I'm sorry I'm late, but I couldn't resist finding out what 'Live, Totally, Nude' was all about!!Mary Jo: Well what is it all about?
Bernice: Listen sister, I'm not telling. If you want to know, you go pay $17.50 for a bad Mai Tai, and then we'll talk. Dear me — what is that awful smell? Has somebody been spraying for bugs?
Mary Jo: No, that's some of Carlene's home-made potpourri, we all won some as a door prize.
Bernice: Well, you need to take that and get the hell outta here...it stinks!!
Shades of Vanessa [6.23]
- [Anthony has just announced his engagement to Vanessa Chamberlain, a woman he barely knows from whom the ladies thought he was just soliciting decorating business.]
- Carlene: I cannot tell y'all what a shock it was when you said those words "I'm engaged." I mean, I will never get over it for as long as I live. It reminded me of one of those cartoons where somebody's hair just stands right on end. I swear . . . I wanted to grab my own hair and just go . . . boiiing!!
Of Human Bondage [7.01]
- Anthony: "Steadman, I want you to stop giving these women refills."
- Steadman: "That little on pinched me... in front."
- Mary Jo: (Riding on a mechanical bull) "Hey Anthony, wadda ya say we try out this bondage wheel? go on, get up there on it!"
- Anthony: "I don't think so Mary Jo. Black people aren't too fund of bondage. We think that is reluncdant"
- Mary Jo: "Dial 1-800 EAT MY SHORTS!"
Sex and the Single Woman [7.02]
- Anthony: (Walking in his bedroom.) "Dwayne, what are you doing in here?"
- Carlene: "Oh, Anthony! this is not what it looks like."
- Anthony: "Well, whatever it is, you are doing it in my room."
- Dwayne: "Your room, I thought this was the guess room."
- Anthony: "Unh, Unh, this is not the guess room. This is my room, and those are my sheets, and you are NAKED on my SHEETS!"
Mary Jo vs. the Terminator [7.03]
- Mary Jo: "Because I have had it up to hear with your I's and one's and everything that comes from Mount Julia!"
- Julia: "Well, FAR be it!"
- Mary Jo: "I said, PROOFREAD IT! That means, SPELL CHECK. And AS for YOUR OPINION, sometimes we don't want to hear your opinion, and sometimes we don't care if you have an opinion, and sometimes, maybe someday that you will write this down Julia.....SOMETIMES, YOUR OPINION IS WROOOOOOOOOOONNNG!!!!!!!!!!!!"
On the Road Again [7.04]
- Bernice:(to a man in a truck-stop diner) I'll be your long-haul momma, if you'll be my hard-driving man.
- [Carlene, as she hangs upside down on some exercise equipment, to Julia:]
- Carlene: Hey, Julia . . . I can see up your nose from here.
- Anthony: "Everytime I spend the evening with you BJ, I always end up on a contraption upside down."
Viva Las Vegas [7.06]
- [B.J. plans to take everyone to Las Vegas to cheer Anthony up after his broken engagement.]
- Anthony: B.J., you have no way of knowing this, but every adventure I've ever gone on with these women — from going to Graceland when it was closed to spending the night wearing pantyhose in a ten degree motel room with Suzanne Sugarbaker — has just ended up as a total disaster. Y'know, this just may be the adventure that I've been waiting for... the one that just finishes me off.
- B.J.: Is that a yes?
- Anthony: I'll get my bags.
- [The ladies rush into Anthony's hotel room to tell him about their winnings and find him asleep with a showgirl.]
- Carlene: I just can't believe you! I thought you were up here nursing a broken heart... but here you are hokey-pokeying with some showgirl!
- Anthony: (looking over at the sleeping girl) Who the hell is that?
- Mary Jo: Oh c'mon, Anthony! It's your little friend from the Follies Bergere!
- Anthony: But how the hell did she get in my bed?!
- B.J.: Boy... if you can pull that one off you're my first choice for this year's Academy Award.
- Anthony: Look... I'm not kidding!! I don't have any idea how she got here! Oooh... my head.....
- Bernice: You know, this girl is really a snoozer. I think that we should get her up and slap her around and make her tell us what happened.
- Julia: Bernice. Please, You're not gonna slap anybody's face."
- Bernice: Well, Excuse me again, Miss Warbond. But I don't think you single handedly lead this wagon train to Las Vegas.
- Anthony: This is like some kind of a nightmare!
- B.J.: Oh yeah, that's horrible. A beautiful, voluptuous showgirl comes into your hotel room, takes her clothes off, sleeps with you... I imagine you'll block it out, just like Vietnam.
Sex, Lies and Bad Hair Days [7.16]
- [B.J. shows up for work depressed and with her head covered in a scarf.]
- B.J.: In an impulsive moment of stupidity I've just made myself the victim of public humiliation and ruined my entire life.
- Carlene: B.J., what did you do?!
- Mary Jo: She's changed her hairdo.
- B.J.: How'd you know?
- Mary Jo: Because that's just the kind of thing that women do when they come up against a milestone event. They either sell their house or decide to become a therapist . . . or go completely crazy and change their hair. The scarf was a dead giveaway.
- B.J.: Well, thank you, Mary Jo. I came in here feeling like I was stupid. Now I know it's worse . . . I'm a stupid cliche.
The Woman Who Came to Sugarbakers [7.19]
- Bernice: "Do you know what I really enjoy?"
- Mrs. Beecham: "As if we'd care."
- Bernice: "Stop right there sister, you can peck at the chickens, but don't mess with the mother hen."
- Mrs. Beecham: "Do I have to listen to this barnyard babble from this silly-old goose?!"
- Bernice: (Jumps up out of the sofa, and demands a challenge to Mrs. Beecham.) "That doe's it! Let's take this outside! Hold me back, I'm gonna knock her block off!"
- Julia: (Restrains and calms Bernice down.) "Bernice, Bernice!"
- B.J: (In a seance trance.) "OOOOh OOOOh OOOOh. Somethin is happenin Mrs. Beecham! I can feel his presence. He's with us HMM! The next voice you hear, will be none other than your dead, dearly, deported Irwiiiinnn!
- Mrs. Beecham: "Irwin, tell me what to do?
(Electricity crackles and lights go off.)
- Anthony: "Don't move, Stay right where you are!
- Mrs. Beecham: "Yes Irwin! I will! I'll stay here forever!"
Gone With a Whim (Part 2) [7.22]
- Mr. Kearney: "Well, Thank you so much for sharing that with me BJ. Ladies as of right now, You are all fired. Pleasure doing business with you."
- Mary Jo: "Well I think he took that well".
- Anthony: "Fired? did-di-did he said "Fired"? No, wait a minute, he said Ladies, You are fired. Ladies!... Oh, I'm sorry y'all I didn't know what came over me. War is hell!"