Day of the Tentacle Quotations

Day of the Tentacle is a 1993 computer game about a maniacal, mutated tentacle's attempt at taking over the world. A group of three students (Bernard, Hoagie and Larverne) with the aid of a time machine made by Dr Fred Edison, aim to travel back in time to reverse the mutation and save Humanity

Dr Fred

"Soon we'll all be speaking... Well, English I guess."

"Get me out of here! I feel like I'm pupating!"

(After his Chron-O-John's first attempt) " Cheap-Mail-Ordered Jewel! I'd knew I should've bought a real diamond.

"Step one. Find plans. Step two. Save world. Step three. Get out of my house! Let's get cracking."

Hoagie

"We may not live to see yesterday... "

"Bernard, float over here so I can punch you. "

"Dude! You're, like, George Washington, man!"

Bernard

"You know what they say: "To save the world, you have to push a few old ladies down the stairs."
(Bernard is talking to Dead Cousin Ted, a mummy.)
"Boy, I haven't seen you since I was here five years ago. You know, I bet you'd really like my friend Hoagie. He's a roadie for a heavy metal band. You could hit him over the head with a bowling ball and it wouldn't faze him. He can pass out standing up and not drop anything." (pause) "The two of you have a lot in common."
(Still talking to Dead Cousin Ted.)
"Boy, I wish I had as little on my mind as you do. No offense intended, of course."

Laverne

"This must be that Woodstock place Mom and Dad always talk about."
"Gosh, I hope this isn't like the primitive, dangerous microwave ovens of my century. Those things could really pop a hamster good."

Dialogue

Bernard: "How's Dr. Fred?"

Nurse Edna Edison: "He's doing much better now that he's stopped sleepwalking."

Bernard: "How did he stop sleepwalking?"

Nurse Edna Edison: "He stopped sleeping."

Laverne: "Are you going to use a scalpel?"

Tentacle Doctor: "Of course not!."

Laverne: "Darn... do you want to use mine?"

Tentacle Doctor: "Err...no"

Bernard: "I'm sure Dr. Fred wouldn't do this if it weren't safe!"

Laverne: "After all, he IS a doctor."

(Back at his lab)

Dr. Fred: It WORKED! I can't believe it! And they said an imitation diamond wasn't good enough!

(The imitation diamond inside the Chron-O-John promptly cracks into pieces.)

Dr. Fred: Uh-oh.

(Bernard, Hoagie, and Laverne are trapped inside Dr. Fred's time travel device.)

Laverne: "This is all your fault, Bernard."

Dr. Fred: "Behold, children! The Chron-O-John!"

Hoagie: "Doc, can't you just send Bernard?"

Dr. Fred: "No, you must all go to increase the odds that one of you will make it there alive."

Bernard: "Has anyone ever been hurt in this thing?"

Dr. Fred: "Of course not!"

(Bernard, Hoagie, and Laverne smile.)

Dr. Fred: "This is the first time I've ever tried it on people."

(Their expressions turn to horror.)

Dr. Fred: "Leaping labrats!"

Bernard: "Dr. Fred!"

Dr. Fred: "What have you done this time, you meddling milquetoast? Now Purple Tentacle is free to use his evil mutant powers to take over the world, and ENSLAVE ALL HUMANITY!"

Bernard: "Whoops."

IRS Agent #1: "Is that a W-390/B Frivolous Spending Report?"

IRS Agent #2: "No, it's another 561-AB Negative Attention Statement."

IRS Agent #2: "Say, what's the filing date for a BFD-206/ZZ Insufficient Credit Applications Form?"

IRS Agent #1: "You have until midnight on the twelfth working day past the first full moon after the end of your fiscal year. However, you can extend the date by filing an RPM-78 Waning Interest Extension anytime before the close of business on the second Tuesday after the first Friday in March. And of course, if you're married, you'd also have to file the K-7209 Statement of Joint Intentions and declare any mutual gift expenditures."

IRS Agent #2: "Oh yeah, that's right."

IRS Agent #1: "How do you suppose the Dodgers are doing?"

IRS Agent #2: "Well, their win/loss ratio is 28 percent below normal... however, the successful slide margin is actually up 3 points since May. I've noticed that they seem to do well with a man on first after a fly ball when the opposing pitcher is left-handed and wearing a green hat."

IRS Agent #1: "Fascinating."

(Bernard, Hoagie, and Laverne have been fused into a single body by the Chron-O-John.)

Bernard: "Look behind you, a three-headed monkey!"

Purple Tentacle: "The only three-headed monkey here is in FRONT of us."