Strips 1-50

Slither: I bet if you spit on Mick Jagger you'd get on MTV news.

"Fame"

Boy: What if fish had external genitalia. Visualize that. I bet there'd be a lot more aquariums.

"The Fishes"

Boy: What do you think is the biggest problem facing snakes today?

Slither: Eating our young, probably.

Boy: Oh? What do they taste like?

Slither: They're delicious.

"Problems"

Boy: Things work out for the best, don't they?

Slither: No.

Boy: What goes around comes around. Right?

Slither: Depends.

Boy: People never change, do they?

Slither: I've known people who've changed.

Boy: Cuts like a knife but feels so right?

Slither: Oh, yeah.

"True-ism"

Boy: What to know the number one complaint of Mr. T's housekeeper?

Slither: All the gold.

Boy: Nope. All the pity.

"Mr T."

Boy: Make it unboring.

Slither: I can't.

"Ennui"

Boy: What kind of guards do they have at hermaphrodite prison?

Slither: Understanding.

"Prison"

Boy: You know the worst part of war?

Slither: What?

Boy: Cleaning up after the bombs.

"War"

Slither: Why don't you comb your hair?

Boy: I don't oppress any part of my body.

"Hair"

Boy: I don't like flap-jacks because I imagine they taste like skin.

"Flap-Jacks"

Boy: Pickles are rotted cucumbers.

"Colloquialism"

Strips 51-100

Boy: It's a simple fact.

Slither: If your home stinks it's less valuable.

Boy: Protect your investment.

Slither: Dispose of dead bodies.

"Home-Owner's Forum"

Boy: Listen to logic and reason like a scientist does and take advantage of this sale.

"Savings"

Boy: There's wisdome in the eye of a puppy, but the tooth of a cat has a point.

"Old-Timey Sayings"

Boy: Food in the mouth is different in the belly.

"Old-Timey Sayings"

Boy: Smell.//How doth you, smell?//I liken thee to an angel//Only my nose can see.//Smell.

"Ode To Smell"

Boy: We're here to help...

Slither: ...you.

Boy: Don't spill poison on a baby.

Slither: A baby's skin is sensitive.

Boy: Don't feed the baby alligator meat.

Slither: It's a medical fact.

Boy: Don't let the baby play with spears.

Slither: Spears are never a good idea.

"Your Baby's Health"

Boy: The older they get, the more Tina Turner and Rod Stewart look like each other.

"Coincidene"

Slither: Avoid all germs.

Boy: Just drink some orange juice.

Slither: And hope for the best.

"Germs"

Boy: You mean you're a realist.

Slither: I just say what I think...you can call it what you want.

Boy: I'm going to call it Donny.

"Genuine Article"

Boy: You're not old until you're a 76 year old Hawaiian woman. Statistically speaking.

"Oldie"

Boy: The mints of today are far superior to the mints of yesteryear.

Slither: It's amazing. Our children's breath will be fresher than we can imagine...and more powerful than our ancestors could have dreamed.

"Minty Fresh"

Strips 101-150

Cobra: (Sitting next to a garden hose) I married beneath me.

"Evolution"

Take heed: After the Apocalypse TICKETS will be our currency!

"Arcade Rules"

Boy: I'm gonna get a tatoo that says, "If found, return to God."

Slither: Why?

Boy: Free ticket to Heaven, brother!

"Tatoo You"

Slither: I think if old people used candy canes instead of real canes, people would like them more.

"The Elderly"

Boy: The perfect person would share. The perfect person can dance.

Slither: The perfect person doesn't make racist jokes.

Boy: Nope. The perfect person is undeniably classy.

Slither: The perfect person is pleasantly mediocre.

"The Perfect Person"

Slither: I hate it when celebrities who aren't famous anymore try to advertise for charities.

"Celebrity"

Slither: If you're a vet, the best thing that could happen to you is that you'd get to recommend a pet food on TV. I mean, for, like, that one time...their opinion really matters.

"Veterinarians"

Boy: Mix tapes are the currency of nerds.

"Hickey Chick"

Slither: God is dead.

Boy: Nietzsche is dead.

Slither: Touche.

Slither: But seriously, God is dead.

"Philosophy"

Slither: You will die, die, die//In a very heinous way.//I'm gladdened by death.

"Things That Cheer You Up"

Slither's Tooth: Kid, if I wasn't low on venom, you'd be so full of poison right now.

"Nancy Come Home"

Boy: It's easy to over-do it with the mummy wrap.

Slither: At a certain point, it's just not scary anymore.

"Kid's Tip"

Strips 151-200

Boy: Here are some bands we'd like to see...

Slither: "Vibrating Bread"...for an indie-rock band.

Boy: "3rd World Gum Tree"...punk, maybe...and "Vodkatronick; The Ultimate Mixer". I'm thinking D.J.

Slither: No, duh.

"Bands"

Boy: The 1940's were characterized by people's love of ice-cream and fascination with owls!

"Time War"

Boy: Do you want to play, "Find the Septic Tank"?

"Shtick"

Boy: You know if the American flag was prettier everybody wouldn't burn it as much. I mean, nobody burns the Gay flag. It's a pretty rainbow. Who would burn a rainbow? Nobody.

"Patriotism"

Boy: All memories form in the brain, and we all remember the big events in our lives.

Slither: Like a parent's berating.

Boy: But it's also important to remember some mundane moments.

Slither: Right now, for instance.

Boy: Round out your memory.

Slither: It's all you got.

"Kid's Tip"

Slither: What does Australia have to offer us besides men who evasively taunt crocodiles? I mean, we got THAT in Florida.

"Australia"

Boy: Would you like to borrow my "Paul's Boutique" CD?

Snake: No. I have a copy.

Boy: Crap! I'm training for the Sharing World Championship.

"Sharing"

Boy: May 1970. I found this signed Joe Montana 49'ers jersey in the jungles of Vietnam.

Slither: Joe wasn't drafted until 1979, making this item the rarest of all gems.

"Antique Fortunes"

Boy: Want to hear about my dream?

Slither: No.

Boy: Like, I was in this white room with no exits. Just this switch that didn't do anything, and I just kept flicking it...until it broke. The dream got boring after that.

"Impossible Dream"

Slither: Turns out he was allergic to my venom.

Boy: HAHAHA! Really?!

Slither: I was like, DOCTOR, HEAL THYSELF!

"The Dentist"

Boy: It's probably okay to kill mosquitos.

Slither: Probably.

"Home Remedies"

Mr. Money: I'm arbitrary.

"New Characters"

Strips 201-250

Boy: Do you think God should be taught in schools?

Slither: No way. Why would God want to be associated with school? School sucks, man.

"Play It Cool"

Boy: Everyone should be unique.

Slither: Everyone IS unique.

Boy: Well, they should be.

Slither: They have no choice in the matter.

Boy: Nor should they.

"To Thine Own Self"

Boy: Cavemen didn't wear pants. Therefore they couldn't crap themselves. Technically.

Slither: Such is the sacrifice of our modern existence.

"Cavement"

Boy: Who's more valuable? Rich people or poor people?

Slither: Poor people are more valuable alive. Rich people are more valuable dead.

"Value"

Slither: I lost my job. I lost my house. I lost my family. And I lost my dog.

Boy: In all fairness, you ate your dog.

"Loss"

Slither: You know what love gets you? Old people kissing.

"The Science"

Boy: You're green.

Slither: Greens are balanced, harmonious and peaceful personalities.

"Top Colors"

Boy:I don't fit in.

Slither: Me neither.

Boy: Wow! We're the same!

Slither: No. You're a freak. I just don't like people.

"The Difference"

Slither: I've invented this device. It will replay your life in its entirety. It was dubbed the world's second most depressing invention of all time.

"Invention"

Boy: It's important to know and understand clown markings.

Slither: Your safety depends on it.

"Clown Markings"

Slither: If you throw something at somebody and they catch it, you gain a certain amount of respect for them. If they drop it, some respect is lost. It's subtle. But it happens.

"The Cool Rules"

Slither: People don't stop pretending. They just start pretending really boring stuff.

"Let's Pretend"

Strips 251-300

Boy: What was your best idea, ever?

Slither: I dreamed of creating a race of solid gold babies.

"Solid Gold Baby"

Slither: If I was ever a Drill Sergeant, I would treat each of my recruits with the utmost courtesy and respect. They would think I was a pretty cool Drill Sergeant. Then I'd snub them at the big graduation dance! "I thought we were friends!" they'd say. No. We were never friends.

"Basic Training"

Boy: I read that people only absorb the information that supports their world view.

Slither: Where did you read that?

Boy: Priviledged White Male Quarterly.

"World View"