Carey Mahoney

• Thank you sir. I make everybody sick.
• I'm on a diet.
• It depends. Sir? I hope this isn't going to be too personal? I heard what you said about my little butt and I don't know how to break this to you, sir, but I'm straight
• Never fool with a fuzz ball.
• Did anyone tell you what a great tailor you have, Sir?
• It fits. The damned thing fits, and I thought there were no more spaces. Am I an idiot or what?

Captain Harris

• Citizens On Patrol. What a joke. You know what C.O.P. really stands for, Proctor?
• Hey! Why didn't you guys call me this weekend?
• Move out, maggots!
• Not funny, you idiot!
• This is not a spawning pool!
• Not exactly a four star hotel, is it?
• Don't touch those! Don't you ever touch my balls without asking!
• What in the hell are you doing!?!
• It was your government that brought us here!
• You'll never get away with this, you two-bit scum!
• Please don't let me! I'm so young, I'm so young! Please, God! Oh, I'll help the homeless, I'll feed the poor! I'll be so good! I mean it! I really, really mean it!

Eugene Tackleberry

• Excuse me sir, this is a non-smoking area. I'm gonna' have to ask you to distinguish that cigar.
• Drop that stereo before I blow your goddamn nuts off, asshole.
• You want to become one with the gun. Feel the gun, caress the gun until it's a living, breathing, vibrating extension of yourself.
• Come with me!
• You'll put it out now mister!!

Mauser

• Hey, wait a minute! My hands are stuck with my head! What the fuck?
• Yo, sir... You must be from the south! That's "Yes, sir." You got foot patrol.
• Mauser, sir. M as in man A-U, S as in Sam.

Moses Hightower

• Yeah, you know, flowers and shit.
• Yo, sir!
• Yamma, yamma, yamma, yamma, yahhhhma.
• FOOLS! To think they can kill the brother, of Badula!
• If I could rip out the belly of a yak.
• And that will bring him back?
• NO Mon, I'm hungry!
• We believe you guys, so we wont dispute you. But if you're lying to us, we'll come back and shoot you. Word.
• Fighting is one thing, but bad jokes is where I draw the line!

Zed

• Gene, Gene made a machine, and Joe, Joe made it go. Art, Art blew a fart and blew the whole damn thing apart.
• I...I, use to be a real JERK! But now I'm a people guy.
• Cadets, I'd now like to discuss something that'll be vital for you to know when you, like, out there, on the job, as a police officer. And, that's the correct way on how to eat a doughnut.
• HE'S DEAD! He killed him! He killed Mickey!
• DON'T MAKE ME FLARE MY NOSTRILS!

Laverne Hooks

• Asshole!!!
• Oops, I've got the wrong keys. I'll be right back.
• What about me, sir? Don't I get a car?
• Don't move dirt bag!

Larvell Jones

• Good evening, gentlemen. I just came by to see that you were comfortable. Now, as we vampires say, "lights out, suckers!"
• Where are we, man?
• Must be the drugs