The Problem with Louis

Belize: You know what your problem is, Louis? Your problem is that you are so full of piping hot crap that the mention of your name draws flies.

I'm a Mormon.

Harper: I'm a Mormon.

Prior: I'm a homosexual.

Harper: Oh. In my church we don't believe in homosexuals.

Prior: In my church we don't believe in Mormons.

I Can't Believe You're a Mormon

Louis: I can't believe you're a Mormon. I can't believe I spent three weeks in bed with a Mormon.

Joe Pitt: Good morning *ruffles Louis's hair and gets up*

Louis: I can't believe you didn't tell me.

Joe: I did.

Louis: Yeah, after I asked. I thought you were a Protestant or something.

Joe: Well, I'm not.

Louis: But you're a lawyer! A serious lawyer!

Joe: The chief clerk of the chief justice of the Supreme Court is a Mormon, Louis.

Am I a nice man?

Roy Cohn: Am I a nice man? Fuck nice! They say terrible things about me in The Nation? Fuck The Nation! You want to be nice or you want to be effective?! You want to make the law, or subject to it? Choose!

When Your Heart Breaks, You Should Die

Harper Pitt: I don't understand why I'm not dead. When your heart breaks, you should die. But there's still the rest of you. There's your breasts and your genitals... They're amazingly stupid, like babies or faithful dogs. They don't get it, they just want him. Want him.

Was It Legal?

Roy Cohn: Yeah, you heard of Ethel Rosenberg. Maybe even read about her in the history books. Well, if it wasn't for me, Joe, Ethel Rosenberg would be alive today, writing some personal-advice column for Ms. Magazine. She isn't. Because, during the trial, Joe, I was on the phone every day talking with the judge. Every day, doing what I do best—talking on the telephone. Making sure that that timid Yid nebbish on the bench did his duty to America, to history. That sweet, unprepossessing woman, two kids, boo-hoo-hoo, reminded us all of our little Jewish mamas. She came this close to getting life. I pleaded till I wept to put her in the chair. Me, I did that. I'd have fucking pulled the switch if they let me. Why? Because I fucking hate traitors. Because I fucking hate communists. Was it legal? Fuck legal!

There are no Angels in America

Louis: There are no gods here, no ghosts and spirits in America, there are no angels in America, no spiritual past, no racial past, there's only the political, and the decoys and the ploys to maneuver around the inescapable battle of politics.

I'm no Good at Tests, Martin. I'd Rather Cheat

Roy Cohn: Yea, AZT. I want my own private stash, Martin. Of serious, honest-Abe medicine that I control here in the room with me. No placebos. No, I'm no good at tests, Martin. I'd rather cheat. So, send me my pills with a get-well bouquet, pronto, or I'm gonna ring up CBS and sing Mike Wallace a song. You know the ballad of adorable Ollie North and his secret Contra slush fund. You only think you know all I know. I don't even know what all I know. Half the time I just make it up and it still turns out to be true! We learned that trick in the fifties.

The Polestar of Human Evil

Louis: I don't believe you! Not Roy Cohn! He's like...the polestar of human evil. He's the worst human being who ever lived. He's not human, even.

Hung up on words

Roy Cohn:Your problem, Henry, is that you are hung up on words. On labels. "Gay", "homosexual", "lesbian"; you think they tell you what a person is, but they don't tell you that. Like all labels, they refer to one thing and one thing only: Clout. Where does a person so identified fit in the food chain? To someone who doesn't understand this, homosexual is what I am because I sleep with men, but this is wrong. A homosexual is someone who, in 15 years of trying, can't get a pissant anti-discrimination bill through City Council. They are men who know nobody, and who nobody knows. Now, Henry, does that sound like me? No. I have clout. Lots. I have sex with men; but, unlike nearly every other man of which this is true, I bring the guy I'm screwing to Washington, and President Reagan smiles at us and shakes his hand.

I Hate America

Belize: I hate America, Louis. I hate this country. It’s just big ideas, and stories, and people dying, and people like you. The white cracker who wrote the national anthem knew what he was doing. He set the word 'free' to a note so high nobody can reach it. That was deliberate. Nothing on earth sounds less like freedom to me. You come to room 1013 over at the hospital, I'll show you America. Terminal, crazy and mean. I live in America, Louis, that’s hard enough, I don’t have to love it. You do that. Everybody’s got to love something.

My New Deal Pinko Parents Would Never Forgive Me

Louis: I'm not saying Kaddish for him. The drugs, okay, fine, sure. But no fucking way am I praying for him. My New Deal pinko parents in Schenectady would never forgive me. They're already so disappointed. He's a fag, he's an office temp. Now look, he's praying for Roy Cohn.

What Kind of a Homosexual are You Anyway?

Belize: Look at that heavy sky out there.

Louis: Purple.

Belize: Purple? What kind of a homosexual are you anyway? That's not purple, Mary, that color out there... is mauve.

Beyond Nelly

Prior: Out of my way, I wanna meet my replacement *pushes past Belize into Joe Pitt's office* Oh, God.

Joe: Yes, can I help you?

Prior: *stares* I'm a prophet.

Joe: What?

Prior: Prophet! Prophet! I prophecy, I have sight, I see! What do you do?

Joe: *slightly stunned* I'm a clerk.

Prior: Oh, big deal, a clerk? You, what, you file things? You better be keeping a file on the hearts you break. That's all that counts in the end. You'll be having bills to pay in the world to come. You and your friend, the Whore of Babylon. Sorry, wrong room.

Prior: *back outside with Belize* He's the Marlboro Man!

After Belize goes inside to look

Prior: Home on the range!

Belize: Chaps and spurs.

Prior: Meta-butch! He made me feel beyond nelly, like I've got wispy daisies sprouting out my ears.

Greetings Prophet

Angel: Greetings Prophet! The great work begins! The Messenger has arrived!

We Won't Die Secret Deaths

Prior: This disease will be the end of many of us, but not nearly all, and the dead will be commemorated and will struggle on with the living, and we are not going away. We won't die secret deaths anymore. The world only spins forward. We will be citizens. The time has come.