Directed by Tom Shadyac and written by Jack Bernstein, Tom Shadyac, and Jim Carrey.

Ace Ventura

• We're going downtown.

• [as Captain Kirk from Star Trek] Captain's Log, stardate 23.9, rounded to the... nearest decimal point. We've... traveled back in time to save an ancient species from... total annihilation. SO FAR... no... signs of aquatic life, but I'm GOING to find it. If I have to tear this universe another black hole, I'm going to find it. I've... GOT TO, MISTER!

• [as Montgomery Scott] Ajuss can't do it, Captain! I DON'T... HAVE... the POWER!

• [as Leonard McCoy] For God's sakes, Jim, I'm a DOCTOR, not a POOL-MAN!

• This is double-paned sound-proof glass! There is no way that neighbor could've heard Roger Podacter scream on the way down with that door shut! The scream she heard came from inside the apartment before his body was thrown over the balcony, and the murderer closed the door before they left! Yes! Yes! Oh, yeah! Can ya feel that, buddy?! Huh?! Huh?! Huh?! [as Tangina Barrons ] I have exorcised the demons. This house is clear. [to Einhorn and the news crew, who denied his theories earlier] Losers? LOSERS! Leh-hoo. Zeh-hers!

• Ahoy, Captain Stubing. How are Gopher and Doc? Permission to come aboard sir?

• If I'm not back in five minutes... just wait longer.

• [after getting attacked by an shark in the restrooms] Do NOT go in there! WOOOO!

• I'm in Psychoville, and Finkle's the mayor.

• [to Lt. Einhorn] Whew... now I feel better. 'Course, that might not do any good; you see nobody's missing a porpoise. It's a dolphin that's been taken. The common harbor porpoise has an abrupt snout, pointed teeth and a triangular thoracic fin, while the bottlenose dolphin, or Tursiops truncatus, has an elongated beak, round cone shaped teeth and a serrated dorsal appendage. But I'm sure you already knew that. That's what turns me on about 'cha, your attention to detail.

• Warning: Assholes are closer than they appear.

• Einhorn is Finkle. Finkle is Einhorn. Einhorn is a man! Oh, my god! Einhorn is a man?! [after discovering Einhorn's true identity and remembering being kissed by "her"]

• Ho, ho, fiction can be fun! But I find the reference section much more enlightening. (in a Clarence Darrow-like manner) For instance, if you were to look up "Professional Football's All-Time Bonehead Plays", you might read about a Miami Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle, who missed a twenty-six yard field goal in the closing seconds of Superbowl 17. [takes deep breath, then goes rapidfire] What you WOULDN'T read about is how Finkle lost his mind and was committed to a mental institution, only to escape and join the police force under the assumed identity of a missing hiker, seducing his way to the top in a diabolical plan to get even with Dan Marino whom he blamed for the ENTIRE THING!!! [gasps]

• If the lieutenant is indeed a woman, as she claims to be, then, my friends, she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids I HAVE EVER SEEN!!! [turns Einhorn around so her rear, which has a very huge lump (in fact, Finkle's tucked-in penis and scrotum) over it, is facing the other present ones] THAT'S why Roger Podacter is dead!!! He found Captain Winky!!!

• [to Dr. Handly] I'm ready to go in, Coach, just give me a chance. I know there's a lot riding on it, but it's all psychological. Just gotta stay in a positive frame of mind. [stands up] I'm going to execute a button-hook pattern, Super Slow-Mo. [Runs forward and collides with Dr. Handy in slow-motion] Lets see the instant replay! [repeats running in reverse]

• Three fifty-one! Three fifty-one! Rover, SIT! HUT! HUT! [mimics being handed a football and dive bombs over some bushes]

• [pointing his rear at Emilio, motioning his butt-cheeks in and out] Excuse me! I'd like to ass you a few questions!

• I saw the guy's room. Its cozy if you're HANNIBAL LECTER!

Dialogue

Ace Ventura: HDS, sir! And how are you this afternoon- al-righty then. I have a package for you.

Man: [shakes the box, which Ventura had been mangling and kicking all the way] Sounds broken.

Ace Ventura: Most likely sir. I bet it was something nice, though. Now, this is an insurance form; if you'll just sign here, here and here and print your name here and initial here, we'll get the rest of the forms out to you as soon as we can.

Ace Ventura: Warning! Assholes are closer than they appear!

[Aguado stomps on a cockroach.]

Aguado: Homicide, Ventura. Now how ya gonna solve that one?

Ace Ventura: Good question, Aguado. First, I'd establish a motive. In this case the killer saw the size of the bug's DICK and became insanely jealous. Then I'd lose 30 pounds... PORKIN' his wife.

Aguado: Why, you-

[He takes a swing at Ace and misses; Ace takes him down and holds his face near the dead bug]

Ace: Now, kiss and make up!

Mr. Shickadance: [has a creepy voice; speaks from behind Ace] Ventura!

Ace Ventura: Yes, Satan? [turns around to face Mr. Shickadance] Oh, I'm sorry, sir! You sounded like someone else.

Mr. Shickadance: Never mind the wisecracks, Ventura. [coughs in Ace's face] You owe me rent.

Ace Ventura: Mr. Shickadance, I told you - you're my first priority. I'm on a very big case right now. Check this out. [shows him a flyer] That's a true Albino pigeon! Some rich guy lost it; he's offering a $25,000 reward. As soon as I find this bird, you're paid!

Mr. Shickadance: [darkly] I heard animals in there, Ventura. I heard 'em again this mornin', scratchin' around.

Ace Ventura: I never bring my work home with me, sir.

Mr. Shickadance: Oh yeah? Then what's all this pet food for?

[Long pause]

Ace Ventura: Fiber.

Lois Einhorn: Listen, pet dick. How would you like for me to make your life a living hell?

Ace Ventura: Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number's still 9-1-1? Aaal-righty then.

Ace Ventura: [speaking through his rear] Assholimio... Osodomia...

[Einhorn walks over to Emilio and Ace]

Ace Ventura: HOLY...Testicle Tuesday!

Lois Einhorn: What the hell is he doing here?

Ace Ventura: I came to confess. I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.

Ace Ventura: [speaking through his rear] Excuse me! I'd like to ass you a few questions!

Emilio: This is not the time, Ace. If Einhorn comes down here and sees me talking to you or your ass, I'm history.

Ronald Camp: Who is he, a friend?

Melissa Robinson: No, this is...this is my date. He's a lawyer.

Ronald Camp: Well, does he have a name, or should I call him "lawyer"?

Melissa Robinson: No, this is Ace... um, Tom Ace.

Ace Ventura: Tom Ace. Pleasure to meet you Mr. Camp, and congratulations on all your success. You smell terrific! I was just telling Melissa that one of the first things we learned back at... Stanford Law... was the modern proliferation of food poisoning claims against wealthy private homeowners. In fact, if one were so inclined, one could make quite a lucrative law practice with little else. How is everyone feeling tonight?

Ronald Camp: [nervously] Very very well, thank you.

Ace Ventura: [to Melissa] Oh! Look, honey, there's the hors d'oeuvres. [looks suspiciously at Camp]

Ronald Camp: I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Ace. I'll have the plumbing checked immediately.

Ace Ventura: Be sure that you do! If I'd been drinking out of the toilet, I might've been killed!

Ace Ventura: Good to see someone who doesn't buckle under the pressure.

[Lois points gun at Ace.]

Lois Einhorn: And what would you know about pressure?

Ace Ventura: Well I have... kissed a man.

Ace Ventura: Hi, I'm looking for Ray Finkle.

[Shotgun comes out of door, pointing at Ace.]

Ace Ventura: ...and a clean pair of shorts!

Mr. Finkle: What do you know about Ray Finkle?

[Ace sucks in a huge breath of air.]

Ace Ventura: Soccer style kicker, graduated from Collier High June 1976, Stetson University honors graduate class of 1980, holds 2 NCAA Division One records, one for most points in a season, one for distance, former nickname "The Mule", the first and only pro-athlete to come out of Collier County, and one HELL of a model American. [takes deep breath]

Mr. Finkle: Are you another one of them Hard Copy guys?

Ace Ventura: No, sir, I'm just a very big Finkle fan. This is my Graceland, sir!

Dan Marino: Hey Ace, got anymore of that gum?

Ace Ventura: That's none of your damn business and I'll thank you to stay out of my personal affairs.

Dan Marino: You're a weird guy, Ace. Weird guy.

Lois Einhorn: The laces were in! They were IN!

[Lois then shoots one of the TV sets.]

Mrs. Finkle: It was all that Dan Marino's fault, everyone knows that. If he had held the ball, laces out, like he was supposed to, Ray would never have missed that kick. Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell. Would you like a cookie, son?

Ace Ventura: Hmm, what do you know. They're little footballs.

Mrs. Finkle: Laces out!

[Lt. Einhorn is pointing a gun at Ace's head]

Ace Ventura: [begging] Please don't kill me! I'll never tell anyone! [indicates Marino] Kill him, he's the one you want!

Dan Marino: No, kill him!

Ace Ventura: No kill him! He held the ball wrong, remember? Come on, look at the guy!

[Lt. Einhorne shoots into the air]

Dan Marino: [to Ace] Cry-baby.

Ace Ventura: [to Dan] Jock.

Dan Marino: Whimp.

Ace Ventura: Muscle-head.

Lois Einhorn: SHUT UP!!!

Roger Podactor: Who's he?

Melissa Robinson: Roger Podactor, meet Ace Ventura. He's our pet detective.

[Roger shakes Ace's hand.]

Roger Podactor: Nice to meet you, you were highly recommened by Martha Mertz.

Ace Ventura: Martha Mertz? ...Oh, yeah, the bitch.

Roger Podactor: What?!

Ace Ventura: Pekingnese, hyperactive, lost in Highland Park area. She was half-dead when I found her. [looks at the tank area] Is that the tank? Excuse me. [walks off with Melissa and Roger standing in disbelief]

Cast

• Jim Carrey - Ace Ventura
• Courteney Cox - Melissa Robinson
• Sean Young - Lt. Lois Einhorn / Ray Finkle
• Tone Loc - Emilio
• Dan Marino - Himself
• Noble Willingham - Riddle
• Troy Evans - Roger Podacter
• John Capodice - Aguado