My son-in-law is dysfunctional.....(immature, poor father figure, is controlling substance abuse now (alcohol, smoking), his idea of discipline is not through discussion or concern...only bully type behavior (overpowering). My question is....we love our daughter (age 30...very organized, hard working,authority...

EGADS

My son-in-law is dysfunctional.....(immature, poor father figure, is controlling substance abuse now (alcohol, smoking), his idea of discipline is not through discussion or concern...only bully type behavior (overpowering). My question is....we love our daughter (age 30...very organized, hard working,authority figure) and our wonderful grandchildren ages 4 and 7 who we feel are getting hurt by this poor behavior on the husbands part......my question is.....as a grandparent, how much 'interference' do I give in order to help the children. They get out of bed at 5:30a.m. to be at the babysitters by 6:00a.m, go to school and get picked up from babysitters at 5:00 or 6:00 p.m. The only parenting that goes on is bully type parenting. As a grandparent, it is hurting me to see these kids treated without any compassion for what they are experiencing. The son in law's idea of getting homework done with the kids is
'get your homework done' while he's partially listening or talks on the phone. It's getting so that I hate my son in law.....he's been a thorn in my side from the very day I met him as a teenager when we came home from work and he was asleep on our couch while he was visiting our daughter. It's getting hard for me to control my anger and hatred for him because he's such a lousy father to his children... and I adore the children and my daughter. Please help. Is it better for me to 'enable' his lousy behavior by helping out with the picking up from school, helping with homework, etc., or let the family live as is because it gets me so frustrated to be involved with it.

Save

Cancel

replied to: EGADS

windstorm

Replied to: My son-in-law is dysfunctional.....(immature, poor father figure, is controlling substance abuse...

When I read your post I really thought I had written it..
I have the exact same situation and it is very hard to stay out of it, isn't it?
On the one hand it's their life, their marriage, their children but on the other hand it is about abusive behavior which should never be tolerated when it is happening to children or animals who cannot defend themselves.
I believe when you reach your breakpoint of suppressing your anger at this situation you will find a way to address it with your son-in-law.
For the past three days I have listened to mine verbally scream, holler, bully, inimidate and insult his nine year old son by a previous marriage.
I have grown very close to this bright, charming, young boy over the past year and tonight I reached my own breakpoint.
I told him to take his temper out on an adult and that my husband was right in the next room if he wanted to go a round or two with him. I said to stop terrorizing his son and I swear if it gets much worse I will be calling the police into the situation. He retreated into his room like the coward he is. I agree with you it is very frustrating but those are your direct grandchildren and you have every right to loudly state your disapproval of his attitude and actions. If you see it continuing to degrade into something more harmful to those beautiful children then do what you have to and damn the consequences.You will probably be removed from the situation but at least if your daughter wants to see you again she will have to do a little work on her own end and stop allowing him to do this!
Take your daughter out for lunch and discuss it with her let her know how upset you are with all of this.If she loves you she will do something about it. I see you mentioned she is an authority figure and so is my daughter
I believe my son-in-law will not confront her so he takes it out on his son. Try not to stress too much and show your grandchildren the "difference" between genuine love and dysfunctional love..Kids are so sensitive they can "feel" it coming from you and it feels so much better than what they experience with their father. Give both grandchildren your phone number and let them know you are there if they would ever like to just talk so they can alleviate the stress by at least talking to you. All I can tell you is I know just what you are going through and how mad you must be..Best of luck to you..

Save

Cancel